The 81st Annual Academy Awards – February 22nd, 2009

Ahhh yes, the mother of all award shows. Let’s start with E! because they started their pre-show coverage at TWO O’CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON TODAY! That’s right, six full hours of complete nonsense. Stupid trivia about Hugh Jackman’s tuxedo. Some strange woman talking about the proper snack food to eat during the show. Wolfgang Puck setting fire to some poor kid in his kitchen. James Franco was forced to “Milk” a gay cow. That’s right, I don’t know what that means either, but it was on the crawl at the bottom of the screen while Ryan Seacrest blabbed on and on about the Kardashian’s matching black gowns. In case you didn’t know, Ryan is the executive producer of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a horrid “reality” show on E! Anyway, my eyes are crossed and it’s only 2:45. I’ve got work to do and will tune in again around 7:30

Well, it’s 7:55 and I got a brief glimpse of Tilda Swinton in her very interesting gown on E!. I love her because she frightens me. Mostly because she could kill David Bowie and turn into him without missing a step. I didn’t bother to watch BaBa Wawa’s pre-Oscar special because I saw 500 promos for it on The View last week. I was off from school and succumbed to the temptation. I love/hate that show so much. Am I the only one who thinks Barbara has turned into Aunt Clara from Bewitched?
Okay, I just turned on ABC and there’s Tim Gunn and Robin Roberts doing a last minute fashion wrap up. Wait a minute, it’s 8:03 and the show hasn’t started yet? Shit, that means I’ll be up until 1 in the morning. Tim is gushing over Amy Adams (in Carolina Herrera) and Diane Lane (both look great) - Sarah Jessica Parker is there with her grandfather – uh I mean Matthew Broderick. Damn, his hair! Wow, Taraji P. Henson looks stunning in her Roberto Cavalli strapless mummy/mermaid gown.

Okay, now it’s 8:10 and Tim Gunn is gushing over Valentino (the man, not a dress) on the red carpet. You mean to tell me this show isn’t starting until 8:30? Miley Cyrus is wearing a gown that is…I don’t know, you gotta look for yourself. It was designed by Zuhair Murad. Anne Hathaway looks amazing in her Armani Prive gown.

Why was Jessica Biel there? Why was she wrapped in a bolt of dull fabric like a fancy napkin? Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Just look at him. WTF? Alright, enough of that, it’s 8:30 and the show is FINALLY starting.

Hugh comes out and is looking hot, as usual. He’s a great song and dance man who won a TONY for playing Liza Minelli’s husband Peter Allen on Broadway in 2004. Anyway his opening number is not that funny. It’s supposed to be a “I made it in my garage” version of a “big” opening number. He’s so charming. He’s laughing at himself right now because he knows how shitty this is. I’m so in love with him. He got a standing ovation. Mickey Rourke’s mouth is incredible. He’s got new veneers AND a silver cap on one of them, like a high class pimp.

Finally, the first award, which was presented by 5 previous winners (Goldie Hawn, what is going on with your dress? And your face?) It was a cool idea, but took 5 minutes!– BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Penelope Cruz. PENELOPE CRUZ! What? Shit, Viola was robbed. This woman is talking and all I can hear is chickens clucking. Sheesh.

Steve Martin and Tina Fey do a funny bit to introduce the BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Dustin Lance Black for “MILK” – hooray! Uh oh, he’s going political/religious about Gay marriage. It was fabulous but I hope it doesn’t come back to bite him.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – Simon Beaufoy for “Slumdog Millionaire.” That’s one.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE – Wall – E! If you didn’t see it last year, you’d better rent it a.s.a.p.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT - La Maison En Petits Cubes. Which was made by a Japanese guy who ended his speech by saying, “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.” I was totally hoping that Oktapodi would win. It was really cool.
BEST ART DIRECTION - The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Really? The Dark Knight didn’t win this?
BEST COSTUME DESIGN - The Dutchess. Did anybody see that movie?
BEST MAKEUP DESIGN – The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Yea yea, make Brad Pitt look really old. How can “Hellboy 2 The Golden Army” be ignored?

It’s 9:30 and I’m a little bored. I think they’re spending way too much time on clip packages that are wasting time.
But look, there’s Ben Stiller in a wacky beard! I think he’s making fun of Joaquin Phoenix. He and some girl introduced the award for BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - Antony Dod Mantle for Slumdog Millionaire. He seemed a bit rumpled and on ludes. I mean Antony, not Ben.

Jessica Biel is introducing an award? Why is this girl famous? Would someone tell me please? Even though it was a tech award for someone who invented some kind of who-ja-whats-its in computer animation, she was still center stage and I demand to know why.
Crap, another clip package, oh wait; it was a funny short film by Judd Apatow. Then James Franco and the fat, fuzzy guy from that pot head movie introduced the award for the BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT - Jochen Alexander Freydank for his movie, Spielzeugland.

Annnnnnnnnddddddddd we’re back! There’s Hugh (live mic) in a fabulous, classic tux, top hat, and a cane, singing and dancing…wait, there’s Beyonce (lip synching) in a red beaded, number. They’re both singing and dancing. Songs from Chicago, Grease, and Moulin Rouge. This is TERRIBLE. Yikes, there are the two kids from High School Musical! Oh shit, there’s the girl from Mamma Mia with some guy I don’t recognize! WTF, there is a drum line in top hats and tuxedos? At the end of it, Hugh proclaims, “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” I think he just killed it. Oh, Baz Luhrmann was responsible for that? Eeesh.

Oh no, not another 5 previous winner thing again. It’s for the BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – At least we get to see Christopher Walken. Oh, and Cuba Gooding Jr. let Robert Downey Jr. have it for playing a guy in blackface. The award went to Heath Ledger. The second time someone was awarded posthumously. I saw all of the nominees, and Heath was the best by a mile. His Father, Mother, and Sister gave a very nice heartfelt speech.
BEST DOCUMENTARY – Man On Wire was the winner. It was great, you should see it.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT - Sorry, I kind of dozed off.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – Benjamin Button again. Wow, it beat Iron Man?
BEST SOUND EDITING – The Dark Knight!
BEST SOUND MIXING – Slumdog Millionaire.
FILM EDITING – Slumdog Millionaire. That’s 4 awards so far.

Hey, there's EDDIE MURPHY! He came out of hiding to give the humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis, who looks great for all his body has been through the past few years.

On to the awards for music categories. Alicia Keys (In what I think is Beyonce’s old weave. My friend Nicole says it looks like a helmet with extensions) I think she looks like a newscaster from Phoenix. and Zaqueshia Efron to announce the awards for;
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – A.R. Rahman for Slumdog.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG - Why is John Legend singing Peter Gabriel’s song for WALL-E when Peter is sitting in the audience? Anyway, the winner is A.R. Rahman’s song “Jai Ho” for Slumdog. Curses, Danny Elfman is foiled again!
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – Departures from Japan. Wow, I’m sure everyone thought that “Waltz With Bashir” was going to win.

Okay, now for the dead and dearly departed clip package. With the added touch of Queen Latifah singing, “I’ll Be Seeing You” along to it. Her dress is horrible. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET HER A STYLIST – STAT! Paul Newman was the last person shown and got the biggest applause.

Holy crap, it’s 11:15 already?

Reese Witherspoon comes out in a wacky black & blue number to announce the award for BEST DIRECTOR – Danny Boyle for Slumdog. Wow, I didn’t see that coming. That’s six!

Oy Vey, here are 5 women doing their thing for the BEST ACTRESS - award. They got a standing ovation – Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Shirley MacLaine, Sophia Loren, and the French woman who won this award last year. She really struggled to do her bit in English. Sophia’s body looks pretty darn good, but something has happened to her face. Did she have a stroke that I didn’t hear about? Oof, and her wig was not good. Nicole Kidman, Bjork called, she wants her dress back. Can that woman get any whiter? She’s gonna disappear pretty soon. Anyway, Kate Winslet won for The Reader! Sorry Meryl, Susan Lucci called, she’s waiting for you at the bar. I want to know what kind of schmutz Kate has in her hair. It looks like a molded plastic wig from and old DEVO video.
BEST ACTOR – The fab five this time are Robert DeNiro, Sir Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrian Brody, and Michael Douglas. Wow - it’s 11:38; will this show end before midnight? Well the Oscar went to Sean Penn for Milk! Damn I was really pulling for Mickey. Nice and funny speech. And he stumped for Gay Marriage rights too! Shout outs to Obama and courageous artists – namely Mickey Rourke. Damn!

Here’s Steven Speilberg to give the BEST PICTURE award. The Oscar went to…SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE! Wow. That’s seven major awards for this film. All of the nominees are so vastly different, It was a hard choice I think. I liked Milk and Frost/Nixon.

Wow, it’s 11:54 and the show is over! I’m glad the directors & producers of the show kept it together. Well, I’m pooped and have to wrap my brain around going back to school tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed my Rant! Please do come back every Wednesday and read about other stuff that gets on my last good nerve. Dancing With The Stars starts soon!

Love,
Crystal