Don't Tase Me, Bro

My twin daughters turn 13 this month, which has me thinking about buying a weapon. Nothing too outrageous, maybe just a tazer or an axe handle. I tend to be a bit accident prone so I am probably going to opt for the non-lethal variety. I figured I would share a few of my favs with you.

If I'm going to confront a Jonas-brother wannabe at my front door looking to “study” with one of my girls, you can bet I won't be sporting a run-of-the-mill stun gun. Instead, I'll be wielding a TASER™ XREP™. Basically an electrified shotgun shell, this bad boy has a range of 65 feet and can penetrate two inches of Abercrombie hoodie. Unfortunately, you have to be a member of law enforcement to own one of these, but we all know a cop or two who owe us a solid...don't we?

Crowd control may become an issue as birthday parties begin to move from the standard bowling alleys to more adult venues. Should a gaggle of seventh-graders get out of control, I may need to whip out a brandy new PHaSR (Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response), which was developed for the Pentagon by the research wing of the Department of Justice. While it may look like a prop from The Fifth Element, this rifle zaps unsuspecting rioters with microwaves bursts, causing their skin to cook like a ballpark frank in a Radarange.

Nothing says “keep you hands to yourself” like a hand-held, blunt implement of pain. A nice “Monk” McGinn shellalegh would do the trick. Carve a few notches on the handle and I'll have kids crapping themselves in the living room. The Japanese tetsubo would work as well, as I am always willing to seek out the wisdom of the Samurai when it comes to parenting. I found one for sale here for $99.

Lastly, I give you the “puke ray”. Developed by Intelligent Optical Systems Inc for the Department of Homeland Security, this flashlight-style device emits a funky light show that disorients a person to the point they vomit. Personally I'd rather be tazed than be made to throw up, but to each his own. Nothing ends a date quicker than a well placed vomit-inducing beam of light. Come to think of it, this gadget may serve a dual purpose of clearing my house of unwanted in-laws...hmmmm.

Now I am certainly not condoning the use of weapons to disrupt the social lives of your children, but you may as well be prepared in the event of an emergency. Prom night, for instance.