WATCHMEN WEEK - And Love Said 'Hurm': My Affair With Watchmen

Mere days before the release of the Watchmen film, I find myself with this profound sense of feverishness. Yes, I know every geek on the planet is at defcon I over the flick, but for me this is a true experience, one I've dreamed of since childhood. Personally, I've never had that one movie that consumed me with anticipation for months, nay, years in advance; I'd almost lost hope that my generation would see it's equivalent to Star Wars. I pine for a film-going experience that will be remembered fondly in the years passed, a memory stored next to where they where when they heard Elvis was dead or JFK murdered. I simply haven't anticipated, nor felt this much excitement for any film before in my life. Call me over-dramatic, but to me Watchmen is the paramount of my passion, the peak of Mount Geek. And right now there's one hell of a party at base camp.

I was three years old when the first issue came out, so naturally I didn't read the book until my junior high school years, around age fourteen (I know what you're thinking, 'took ya long enough to learn how to read' har har). That was when I had a really hard time with comics. I hadn't quite gotten into DC like I have now, and Marvel books were so affected by the decade; every issue was drawn with painful cartoonishness. It was amidst that shallow pool, with gems like Marvel vs. DC, that I read Watchmen. It affected me so greatly that it ultimately lead to my comic reading haitus for many years. I'm back into the books now, have been for about four years, but I find myself working backwards through time and reading/collecting the 'classics'. They sure don't write them like they used to. But I digress. Back to the greatest piece of fictional literature ever written...

The thing that hits me so hard with Watchmen, is my ability to relate with every main character. I've questioned my relevance and felt social impotency like Nite Owl II. I've stood, perhaps unreasonably, by my principles like Rorschach. I've felt extreme disconnect from anything on this earth like Dr. Manhattan. I've battled with identity and expectation like Silk Spectre II. I've given in to the most indulgent of temptations like the Comedian. I've wanted to save the world like Ozymandias. But c'mon... who hasn't. Watchmen serves as a textbook for the human condition. The book skins you raw, makes you look at yourself through the clearest of eyes, and most importantly challenges your sense of ethics on a level that no other story has. Quite frankly, and I know I'm fellating the book an awful lot here but its my column, Watchmen is so incredibly important and relevant to the world of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But how do you explain that to someone? You hear the words "complex" and "multi-layered" thrown about quite often, but to me that doesn't mean anything. That's management speak for an executive at Hipster Inc. To quote a good friend of mine, Watchmen is a brilliantly intricate thought experiment designed to expose the nature of true hero-ship and the ethical ambiguity needed in order to make heroes exist. Add in a hint of bad-ass superheroics and I think Colin just nailed it.

So here we are, two days before the release of what has been referred to as 'unfilmable'. It's terrifying, I'll admit, but I write this with confidence for what is in store for me. As geeks we've been subject to our prized properties raped, pillaged and hung to dry in front of the masses, but just like with Iron Man and The Dark Knight, following the production of the Watchmen film has been a relatively stress-free experience. The casting, the still images, the trailers... I know things have changed and subtle liberties have been taken, but from what I've seen and heard so far, the movie has exceeded what my minds eye has produced for the film. I see that I'm straddling the line of fanboy blindness, so I won't go any further into how awesome the movie is until I see it.

Woah... stop there... "subtle liberties?!" you scream. Here we go. My eyes roll. The Squid. I knew the damn Squid was coming. It's no big secret, this business (or lack thereof) with said Squid. Firstly, lets all stop calling it that, for it isn't anywhere near a cephalopod. It's an interdimensional, biologically engineered, psychic creature that happens to have tentacles. And as for its part in the film... I'm cool with it. And you should relax. Put your pitchforks down. If there was one person, one person who should be the harshest critic on earth, its me. I am the King of scrutinizers on this one. Although I haven't seen the flick (and am still reserving judgement for when I have, contrary to how this may appear), I'm alright with what the filmmakers have done. I wrote a piece on my website a while back when the rumors first hit the web, you can read the whole thing here, and while I won't rehash my flushed out argument I will say this: if the film ends the way we've heard it has, then the film has still accomplished exactly what the book has. Everyone keeps over-analyzing the Squids importance, but really, its just a means to an end. We arrive in the exact same spot, with the exact same consequence and conditions. Now that's all I'm going to say about that. What's that? Give up my Watchmen Fan Club card? Nonsense. Mine is tattooed on me. Besides, I have other fears.

My fears lie not with the quality or legitimacy of the fim. It all falls on success. No, not how technically wondrous a film can be, or its message or performances. This is 2009, success is measured in bucks. Butts in seats. In all honesty I think the road for Watchmen will be rocky. I think that the film will suffer a degree of the 'Star Trek effect'; die hard fans will flock to theaters on Friday, and Saturday will see those numbers dropping off. In an age where Beverly Hills Chihuahua can gross $94 million, I find it hard to believe a mass audience can safely swallow a film that requires you to work your brain an extra ten percent. Lets face it, the story of Watchmen is full of subtext and complex (there's that word again) literary themes. Hell there is no 'bad guy'. And you can market it any way you want, but everyone just wants the X-Men. Boy are they in for a surprise.

Take this review of the film, for example, though Lord I wish I didn't have to link it. In it, Kurt Honeycutt of The Hollywood Reporter backs up my aforementioned fear. He just plain doesn't get it. Now I'm not sure if he's read the book, but lets assume that he hasn't. Let's also assume that the major themes of the book have been transferred to the film (I find it hard to believe that it hasn't, based on the majority of reviews from accomplished critics that are fans). In his review he drops such deuces like "and what's with the silly Halloween getups?" - news flash Kurt, that's the point. All sense of subtlety and subtext is lost these days, and without it the audience is going to see camp and cheese. Where's the action?! Where's the explosions?! Why don't they just kill that guy?! I know it sounds like I have little faith in my fellow man and woman, but who are we kidding? We still haven't mastered the art of turning our phone off and shutting our mouths up when the movie starts. And again, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I've been burned too many times.

As much as I rant on and on about the dimwittedness of the regular Joe and Jane film-goer, it really doesn't bother me. This is one exception where I don't really care. At the end of the day I will have my Watchmen movie. It may be good, it may be bad, but I will have it. And I'll have the book which I will continue to read and promote and buy for my friends. It's just such an unusual time for me, I feel like a parent watching a child grow up. Now I know in my heart that the film can't possibly top the book, but I love Watchmen, literally (and literarilly) and completely. And I hope the film is as exciting for you as I hope it is for me. And if you haven't read the book, I hope this opens the door to you discovering it.

Dear God, please make it good or I will burn this mother down.