Mathematics & Mastodon

A new Mastodon album hit the streets two weeks ago. “That's old news, butthorn”, you say, but nay. This is not a review of the record this is a science lesson. That's right. Science. Fact. I have indisputable, concrete, mathematical proof that Mastodon is the greatest, most important band working today.

Now, before I get going with the droppage of truth, I must address the state of music today. I don't want to go there, but it's all relative and I kind of have to. It may be hard for some of you to hear this.


I'm not saying it out of hate, but out of love.

Help me help you.

Let the love in.

Okay.

Breathe in. Deep breaths.

Ready? There is a good chance that the majority of the music that you are listening to is pure and utter refuse.

How good a chance?

If my calculations are correct (which they are, scientifically) then 98.976%.

Times pi.


I'm no rocket scientist, but I am a mathemusicologist.

It doesn't, however, take a mathemusicologist to see that the lion's share of popular music has zero shelf-life. Mark that down as a fact there, that is true, you can have that for free. Think about it. Really think. Can you remember ten songs from 2006? Without Wikipedia? Didn't think so. It's the same old song and dance year after year. Top 40 tracks from years past are listened to out of parody. It's a gag song when Eminem plays in the club (or in my case the Chili's lounge). We need to face it. These acts, like Lady GaGa for example, are disposable, entirely unremarkable, and will not stand the test of time.

There. Now that just happened and there's a big elephant in the room. Wait. That's not an elephant. That's a giant, majestic Mastodon. Yes, the very one – fur-covered, tusked (meaning, with tusk) and trampling holes in Lady GaGa and Soulja Boy the size of Texas. And just like the magnificent beast of yore, Mastodon is still a musical force to be reckoned with.

If you are unfamiliar with Mastodon, open up your favorite web-browser, let's say Internet Explorer 5 for some variety. Now go to wikipedia and type 'Mastodon' in the search bar. Now throw your computer in the nearest waste depository. You don't need that.

Here's a brief timeline of important events in the history of Mastodon.

1999 – Mastodon is formed in Atlanta, GA after drummer Brann Dailor and guitarist Bill Kelliher decimated an entire European Strong Man competition. The last surviving strong man wasn't a man at all but a two headed hydra named Brutolicus. Dailor and Kelliher grabbed a head each and forced to beast to make love to itself. The resulting chimera was then separated and took the identities of guitarist/vocalist Brent Hinds and bassist/vocalist Troy Sanders.

2002 – The band released their first full-length album, Remission. Hospitals nation-wide reported an increase in male pregnancies. Must listens: March of the Fire Ants, Workhorse, Mother Puncher.

2004 – Leviathan, Mastodon's second full-length album, is released. Every musician everywhere pisses themselves and crumbles into a sloppy hot mess, realizing that the album is quite literally perfection. Must listens: Blood and Thunder, Iron Tusk, Naked Burn.

2006 – The band is hired to play aboard the Titanic to a sold-out show of 1,000 undead rotting corpses and Kate Winslett. After two songs, the band grew tired of the listless audience and went to Tony Roma's for ribs. Then they battled indigestion by recording and releasing Blood Mountain. To this day, physicians prescribe Blood Mountain as a method of eradicating cramps in women. And bears. Must listens: Sleeping Giant, The Wolf is Loose, Capillarian Crest.

2009 – Mastodon, along with America's leading scientists and Barack Obama, develop a technology to turn sex into audible data. This data will then be physically and forcefully inserted into the ear-drum as a method to deter youth from pre-marital relations. When they found that this aural-sex alternative did in fact the opposite, the project was scrapped. Mastodon released the experiment anyways as Crack The Skye, their fourth full-length album. The phrase 'Crack The Skye' actually translates directly to 'f*cking masterpiece'. I myself looked up the phrase in Tobin's spirit guide however, and it read 'Lady GaGa is f*cking horrid', so there are some discrepancies there. Must listens: Oblivion, Divinations, The Czar.

But back to the lesson. I hear you, “Where's the science already? Is this not just personal opinion”. Well, here it is. Pay attention. Open your workbooks to page D and follow along.

Exhibit 1


This theorem, which we will refer to as Megalodon's Purse, clearly illustrates the physical correlation between Mastodon and Zeltamine12, the purest known pleasure protein.

Fig. B


Before Mastodon released their first album, Remission, they holed up in a dirty garage and created this mechanical beast, the Eliminatulon LX. Comprised entirely out of Earth's raddest materials, the Eliminatulon LX would serve as the technological answer to famine, pollution, arthritis, overtime, and soup skin. Ultimately the Eliminatulon LX became too dangerous for use, as it required blood samples from each band member and their 401(k) plans hadn't gone through yet. They then went to work on the album, and the Eliminatulon LX remains in hiding.

Diagram 2


This photo sequence was taken before, during and after a recent Mastodon show. Approximately one minute before and one minute after. One minute after the first chord.

And that wraps up your science lesson, kids. Please hand your blue books up to the front.

Serious Ryan, now... I challenge each and every one of you to listen to Crack The Skye, I don't care what genre you favor. It is beautiful. It is terrifying. It is challenging. It is a true and valiant display of technical mastery. It is ridiculous how accomplished four people can be with instruments, their bare hands and their voice. It is inspiring. It is crushing, knowing that you and I will probably never create something close to that calibre. It is not a metal album. It is not a prog album. It is not a rock album. It doesn't have chug-chug guitar riffs. It doesn't have cookie monster vocals. It is effing music. And it is painfully obvious from the first track that it is truly an album. Not a pop commission or an advertisement. It will stand the test of time. This is the album that Rush always tried to make. And Mastodon only uses one drum kit, ha! This isn't the album that Lady GaGa tried to make, and look where that got her.

So with that, I issue this open challenge to you, internet: I challenge you to buy Crack The Skye and listen to it, completely. If you can justly convince me that this isn't a gd masterpiece, then I will refund your money. This isn't just for metal/hardcore/rock/etc fans. This goes out to everyone.