Spoiler-Sport: A Rant and a Modest Proposal

Due to a mailing issue, I won't be reviewing poetry this week as I had suggested at the end of last week's column. Instead I'm going into rant mode on the subject of SPOILERS.

Be warned.

This piece may contain spoilers, but not recent spoilers, and certainly not any spoilers in regards to the TV show House MD.



In fact it was a a rampant amount of spoilers hitting the interweb regarding that very show that spawned this rant. Apparently the most recent episode included a major event involving one of the major characters. There were some revelations regarding this character that turned out to be of interest to the science fiction writing community, so it spilled into one of my arenas of interest on various social networking and news sites.

And then it was a story on NPR. Frikkin' NPR!

So essentially the surprise is ruined for me. I'll still get around to watching the episode, but its impact has been greatly lessened. Thanks, spoilers. If I cared enough about Battlestar Galactica I'd be pissed about the spoilers that hit the interweb minutes after the finale ended as well. Maybe you already are--so now we have some common ground.



Which brings me to discuss the nature of spoilers and some New Rules.

First of all, recognize that television viewing has changed. Once upon a time, if an episode aired, that was the only chance to view that episode until repeat season kicked in. Sure, there were VCRs that some people used to record certian TV shows, but most VCR users didn't use this feature. It was complicated, one was prone to forget to set the timer. Cheaper VCRs didn't even have the record option which was okay because it was primarily a device for playing pre-recorded tapes.

Then the digital revolution came thundering in, Now we have DVR, Tivo, On-Demand, Netflix, Hulu.com, iTunes, and a host of other sources for current television programming. We can watch an episode whenever we want and are no longer beholden to network schedules. This is big. This is a good thing. This opens up our lives to more options. For example...this week I'm up to my eyeballs in either work or social obligations and plans. I had one relatively free night--Wednesday--when my wife and I usually watch Lost together. That's probably the only show we watch when it's scheduled, but at one point it looked like my Wednesday night might have become booked as well. No worries, I said. I can catch Lost the next day on On Demand.

Other shows like The United States of Tara, Big Love, and House, MD we watch at times of our own choosing.

So what does this mean?

This means we must all agree on an extension of the spoiler-free window. Rather than a few days for TV shows, we should come to an agreement whereby we don't discuss spoilers (without appropriate warnings and space) for a week at the very minimum. Two weeks would be better. Maybe longer. Offenders should be forced to watch nothing but repeats of All In the Family for a year.

I don't see this as unreasonable. Sorry, haters. I have a full, rich life. While I enjoy many fine television programs, I want to watch them on my terms, not the networks'. I can do that now. So can you. I think we're all happier because of it. But this also means that just because you saw the episode before we did that it gives you some bizarre right to ruin it for the rest of us. No. All it means is that you have nothing better to do. Try stamp collecting. Go down to the zoo and tease the lions. Play with matches.

On a related note, let's talk movie spoilers.

For the most part, people tend to respect movie spoilers more. Despite the rampant illegal and poorly-justified practices of downloading current movies off the internet, people, even the dirtbags who engage in illegal movie downloads, tend not to inundate folks with spoilers. It happens, sure, but not as much as with television.

Generally, movies have longer spoiler-free windows. They tend not to extend to the inevitable DVD release, but that's okay. If you cared enough about the movie to worry about spoilers, you'd have seen it in the theater.

In the old days, before the internet was everywhere, it was fairly easy to avoid spoilers. I think maybe one newspaper critic gave away the twist in The Crying Game and he was lambasted for it. The twist in The Sixth Sense didn't get plastered all over the place. Nor did the surprise cameo at the end of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. That sort of world doesn't exist now where it seems like a race to reveal all on the internet, but for the most part, movie spoilers are still somewhat respected.


Good.

Spoiler space regarding the original Stars Wars trilogy, King Kong, The Sixth Sense, and The Crying Game...
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..see? This is what spoiler space looks like
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. It's not rocket science
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.Just a few more blank lines
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I mentioned that it's forgiveable to spoil movies after they get their DVD release, but it's still not really cool. At the same time, I think it's okay to lift the spoiler window--entirely guilt-free--on movies older than ten or fifteen years.

It shouldn't be a crime to reveal that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and Leia is his sister. Vader kills the emporer and turns away from the Dark Side. It's okay to let slip that King Kong dies at the end. Yes, you guessed it...Bruce Willis is a ghost, but doesn't realize it. It's still a crime to give away the ending to Million Dollar Baby without first checking to make sure no one cares, But the chick in The Crying Game? A dude.

Let's use some common sense and some common consideration, folks. I'll be good if you be good.

In closing..."Rosebud" was the name of his sled.



Cheers!

For information on how to get your book, comic, movie, whatever reviewed on Falling Off the Shelf, or to send hate mail, feel free to contact me at john (at) johnteehan (dot) com.