The Twelve...

The Twelve things that annoy the hell outta me:

1) Wait staffs who don't fix rocking tables in their restaurants. Here's the thing. If I sit down and the water glass gets catapulted over my head and out the window.

I'm not tipping you.

Not a cent.



And if I'M the one has to get down to the floor and shove the folded-up paper under the table leg, I'm probably not going to be your greatest customer.



2) Grocery store baggers who have to use ten thousand plastic bags for ten dollars worth of groceries. They're not banned yet (plastic bags, not the baggers) and I have to say, I think baggers are being paid by the bag. I've seen them try to put produce into separate bags and it just kills me. A gallon of milk doesn't need to be in a bag. It has a handle.

3) That fucking "Prayer Cross" commercial. Does it have to be shown on every commercial break? Are we so in need of the Lord's Prayer that we have to have this piece of cheap garbage reminding us every ten minutes? And what the hell IS a "Certificate of Authenticity" on something this stupid? Are you certifying that I'm an idiot? And if the Lord's Prayer is so important, why do I have to squint into a piece of cheap crystal to see it?

4) That annoying blonde woman who is IN the "Prayer Cross" commercial. This is the woman who is shrieking at her husband about the television being too loud in those "Listen Up" hearing aid/spying device commercials. How can she go from screaming at her husband to lovingly accepting the Lord's bling is beyond me.

5) Yes. Cell phones in a theater. WTF America... we STILL can't figure this shit out yet? Cell phones have been around long enough for our brains to understand that they annoy people in theaters. And texting is even WORSE. I sat behind a girl texting all the way through "Watchmen" and I wanted to go Roarschach on her skull. I just kills me how people can't hit the off button on these devices for two fucking hours! STILL!!

6) Fast food places like McDonald's who show photos on their menus and then serve you its retarded cousin. I mean, c'mon, it's a patty on a bun with some ketchup and mustard in it. Why can't they get it right? Cold bun, burger's half-off the bun, cheese gluing the patty in place, which makes you have to decide on whether to eat the all-bun side, or the all-patty side. And quit showing how lovingly it's made in the commercial, with grandma's wooden spoon to ladle the ketchup onto... then serve me something that came out of a George Romero film. I mean, yeah... I realize this is McDonald's, but can you just have SOME pride in your work? Just a LITTLE? I work as hard for my money as you do.

7) Electronics store employees. These have to be the worst employees in existence today. You want to know why places like Comp U.S.A. and Circuit City went out of business? It's because of these blue-vested slackers who had better things to do than help the customers. I once walked into one of these places to spend over two grand and damned if I wasn't treated like the Invisible Man. As usual, they were all herded together in the gaming department, seven blue vests, doing all they could to avoid eye contact with me, the customer. I was standing next to the Apple laptop I wanted to purchase, holding my credit card, ready to buy. I couldn't look more obvious if I tried.

Nothing. Nada. No thanks, we don't need your money. We're happy hanging out in our clubhouse. When I heard that Circuit City was closing its doors, I reacted the same way I did when you hear about someone being tackled at the airport because they thought it'd be hilarious to wave a box-cutter in the air. What did you THINK was going to happen? You don't help your customers, the store closes.

8) I'm tired of networks thinking that watching people being assholes to each other is a form of entertainment. Women who think they're all that. Business owners treating potential employees like garbage to get a job. Spoiled children who should've grown up by now. Ugh. Housewives who I can't believe anyone would marry in a million years. House-flippers who I'd never want in my home no matter how talented they are. And I'm TIRED of shows where they shove ten, twelve, forty strangers into a house and make them live together in order to watch them go ballistic on each other. Enough. We get it, already. Nobody likes you.

9) The idiots at FOX NEWS who act as though President Obama's mission is to destroy the world. Acknowledge the fact that YOUR guy, George (where'd he go?) Bush, put the country you claim to love so much INTO this mess, thus making Obama the "First Janitor" and maybe we could listen to you.

10) The idiot who thought you could have a jet fighter chase a low-flying Air Force One plane across the New York skyline and NOT freak the citizens out. I don't want a hearing on this. I want the person thrown out the door. He's an idiot. I mean, did ANYONE in the room not say "Ummmm remember how New Yorkers had those planes hit the towers and they fell to the ground and it traumatized the entire city..? We shouldn't try to do this. This stunt might make them, y'know... RE-LIVE it." Why not just have a group of Nazi soldiers storm into the Holocaust Museum, while you're at it?

11) Whatever numb-nut came up with the idea with messing around with the recipe for Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, I'm probably too old to eat this stuff, but I do. And I actually LIKE Cocoa Puffs. But now they taste like... like... I want to say insulation foam. It's horrible. Quit messing with my childhood already!!

12) People on television acting as though "Twitter" is some straaaange crazy doohickey the kids are using that grown adults could never figure out. And especially the morning show hosts who somehow cannot grasp Twitter. I mean, c'mon... I'm the same age they are and even I can figure out how to type a freakin' sentence. It's not confusing, for cryin' out loud. But these people act as though you're trying to teach them how to build a space shuttle. And for God's sake... do they REALLY need a "TWITTER EXPERT" to show them how to use Twitter? If so, then our race is doomed.

There y'go. Solve these twelve things and make my life perfect.