Like, Gag Me With a Spoon

Resistance is Futile: The 80s are Back with a Vengeance

My adolescence has come back to haunt me. Considering my penchant for all things awkward and teen, one might think that this was a welcome revelation, but truth be told, the resurgence of everything that was cool when I was growing up (or, let’s be honest, just growing) makes me feel really, really old.

The good news is my reaction to things I don’t like hasn’t matured much since then either, as I’ve basically been sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, “La, la, la, la, I am not listening to you!” while the beauty, fashion, and entertainment industries have dipped their creative pens back into the 80s pot for inspiration. However, as of yesterday at 12:06pm, I’ve officially adopted the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach. Yes, the 80s are back and I’m totally going to make out with them all summer long. I might even let them get to third base. With the right amount of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, anything is possible.



The change of heart occurred during what was intended to be a quick stop at the Soho Forever 21, a store I’ve tricked myself into thinking is still appropriate for me despite the fact that I have not been anywhere NEAR the age of 21 for quite some time (look, accessories ALWAYS fit, okay?). I’m pretty sure my jaw actually physically dropped once I spotted the in-store displays: paint-splattered tank tops. Tiered, ruffled skirts. Off-the-shoulder, slouchy, “Flashdance”-esque tees. Plastic rubber bracelets and oversized faux pearl earrings. Fingerless lace gloves. Um, pardon me, did I just get into a time machine set to June 1987, destination: teen department located in the bottom floor of Jacobson’s in the Village in Grosse Pointe? And if so, can someone make sure I get a hot, salted pretzel from The Snackerie café before we go?

Seriously, had “Get Into the Groove”-era Madonna appeared at the checkout to ring up my purchases, I wouldn’t have been surprised. I would have also told her, “Psst! In the future, your arms are going to be really scary looking and your Rochester Hills accent will also somehow magically become British. For the love of Sean Penn, please keep the real body and bushy eyebrows, before it’s too late!”

Desperately Seeking Madonna, circa 1985

I have to admit, I cannot get behind EVERY aspect of the 80s a la 2009. The Essie Neon Polish Collection? Sign me up – I’ve got ten fingers and ten toes just waiting to be painted in Flirty Fuchsia or Funky Limelight. But I could do without American Apparel’s need to proudly declare that scrunchies are in stock – I mean, those things were ugly enough the first time around.

Pass.

Also, I need Hollywood to BACK OFF when it comes to the overabundance of 80s remakes. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and certainly don’t fix it with Miley “I’m really a 47-year-old chain smoker” Cyrus, who was just attached to a “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” remake. The original is hands down one of my all-time favorite movies. A sassy Helen Hunt. A still more “Square Pegs”/less “SATC” Sarah Jessica Parker. A really pasty young Shannen Doherty. Dance TV. I mean, what more could you ask for? Leave well enough alone.

While we’re at it, please halt and/or destroy any remakes in production as well as abominations already released of the following films:

“Heathers” – remember when Winona Ryder was likeable? Sigh. Miss you Noni! By the way, when this movie first came out, I was on a summer trip to see my friend Carey in Oregon, where I met a bunch of her friends for the first time. I talked about this movie so much that everyone thought my name was Heather. For reals.

“Can’t Buy Me Love” – Ugly duckling-turned-hottie girl stories are a dime a dozen, but I loved this twist on nerd desires popularity with the focus on the guy for once. I also worshipped Cindy Mancini (but not her poetry – eesh), and recreated to the best of my ability the outfit she wore to the airplane graveyard.

“Grease 2” – That’s right, 2, not the original. My next door neighbor Karin and I kicked off every day of July the summer between my seventh and eighth grade year with a VHS screening of this movie, and when I say every day, I mean EVERY day. I also auditioned for my middle school talent show with a group of friends doing the “Girl for All Seasons Number.” Surprisingly, we didn’t make the cut.

“Just One of the Guys” – A few weeks ago, I wikipediad (yes, that’s now a verb) the actress who played the gender bending Terri in this awesome twist on secret identity (with “I am woman, hear me roar” as the motivating factor, I might add!). Turns out it was Joyce Hyser’s last film. $50 to the first person who tracks down her email address and sends it my way.

There are a few others I’d like to add to the list, but no need to be greedy so I’ll just leave it at that for now. In the meantime, in the spirit of my decision to embrace the return of the decade of decadence, I am off to perfect my “Thriller” dance routine. Surely the actual choreography I learned in a 1984 class (true story) will come back to me faster than you can say “Vincent Price”…right?