CONTEST! TERMINATOR SALVATION!!!

Terminator Salvation is expected to be one of the biggest hits this summer and our friends at Titan Books are providing the prizes for another very cool contest, a set of their two new books, both by Friend of FOG!, writer Tara DiLullo Bennett, The Art of Terminator Salvation and Terminator Salvation The Official Movie Companion.

The Art of Terminator Salvation is a stunning visual chronicling of the making of the movie, comprising of exclusive designs, storyboards and stills revealing the depth of creativity that has gone into creating the brand-new Terminator movie.

Showcases the movie’s intricate creative design with storyboards, stills, production art and computer-generated imagery; Commentary from director McG, production designer Martin Laing, and other key members of the crew and artwork from the Terminator Salvation video game.

The Official Movie Companion takes you behind-the-scenes of the making of the brand-new movie and contains exclusive interviews with the cast and crew, as well as an abundance of stunning, previously unseen, photos.

Features Building The Terminators: Inside The Stan Winston Studio Workshop; Exclusive Cast and Crew interviews and Hundreds of on-set photos, production sketches, and storyboards

To enter, please send an email with the subject header "SALVATION" to editor @ forcesofgeek dot com. Please include your name, address (U.S. only) and answer the following question correctly to qualify:

In The Terminator series, what is the name of the artificial intelligence computer system that becomes self aware and turns on mankind?

Only one entry per person and a winner will be chosen at random.

Contest ends at midnight on May 17th, 2009.

Terminator Salvation will be released on May 21st, 2009.

Official TRANSFORMERS 2 Trailer is Clean and Shiny!

THE BLUNDER YEARS VOL. 1: OH SNAP! GUESS WHAT I SAW?

Every now and then, a song will take you back. That's one of the beautiful things about music, when it gives you a "soundtrack" moment. However, at the time, it doesn't always feel so "beautiful." But as you get older, you look back and laugh. The following is a memoir from my youth. I like to call them "The Blunder Years."

"1989. The number, another summer..." - Public Enemy

Picture it. Sicily.


It was the summer of 1989.

Big things were happening for the twelve year old (nearly thirteen) version of Jay Williams.

I had just finished my last year of Little League in which I made the all-star team. Later that summer, I was heading to Europe.

To quote T.I., "Big things poppin'/Little things stoppin." But before my cross-Atlantic journey, I was going to summer camp again. After the first few days, there was a girl, Lia, who caught my eye. I eventually made my move. (Not a bold move but one more akin to Kevin Arnold, possibly more cringeworthy.)

Oddly enough, my "move" worked and we began "going out" (does anyone still use this term?).

Anyway, things were going well for Lia and I, or so I thought. Both Lia and I were going on the camp canoe trip down the scenic Connecticut River. As one would imagine, this was very exciting for me. I thought to myself , "This is going to be great. What could go wrong?"


So about two hours into the trip, a rainstorm breaks out. Eventually, we arrive at the campsite, soaked from the rain. After setting up our tents, she says we need to talk After the first day of paddling in the rain, she hits me with the "I don't want to to go out with you but I still want to be friends" line. (This actually also the first marks the first time I told a girl who suggested we be friends, to go fuck herself. Then, I went to my tent and bawled like Milhouse. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. Yeah, I tended to be a bit sensitive as a lad.)

I eventually tried to pull myself together after various pep talks from counselors and other campers.

Strangely enough, I had to go to the bathroom.

One would have thought with all the crying, I'd be thirsty. As I exited the Porta-pottie, who should I see? Lia and her new beau in a warm embrace. The new beau: Neil. In many ways, Neil was my polar opposite. He was tall. I was short. He had a sweet teenage mustache. I did not. He had about ten Metallica shirts. In fact, I think he only wore Metallica shirts.There might have been some Guns n' Roses shirts in there too, but mostly Metallica. Oddly, I didn't have many music-related shirts. I was more a fan of shirts that beared caricatures of my favorite athletes. There was no competition. They both kind of looked down at the ground after realizing I was standing right there.

Me, I headed back to my tent for a Morrissey Moment to wallow in my misery. And guess who's behind the Porta-Potty making out? Neil and Lia, the former object of my affection..

(Blogger's note: her last name.....you'll never guess.....go ahead.......try......please.......just guess the most outlandish name that almost seems and fake and I'd only be making it up to make this story funny.......here it is....drumroll please........Slutsky [rimshot].

I'm dead serious. That was her name. I swear on all that is holy. If I'm lying, I'm dying. May Chuck D marry Paris Hilton in a ceremony conducted by the ghost of Joe Strummer if I'm lying.)

Eventually, I got over it.

And the next summer, I "went out" with another girl. But the next summer at camp, Biz Markie's "Just A Friend" was the jam du jour. And for a minute, I totally connected with the song...but for different reasons than the Biz. Biz got cheated on.

Me, I got dumped/put in the friend zone (a.k.a. The Governor of Friendsylvania).

Nevertheless, I said "I totally get where you're coming from Biz. She did the same thing to me last summer." I especially loved the "Oh snap! Guess what I saw?/A fella tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth/I was so in shock, my heart went down south." That was probably the part that resonated the most. In my 13 year old mind, me and the Biz had a lot in common. It may not seem like much but it was huge that there was a song that expressed what I felt more or less.

This wasn't the last time I'd get dumped and it wouldn't be the last I would find a musical anthem.

Thus, began a long fruitful relationship between me and the music.

Sacre Blue! French Subtitled G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA Trailer!!!

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY is Coming!!

What's better than free comics?

This Saturday, May 2, comic book stores throughout the country will participate in Free Comic Book Day, an opportunity for people to sample work from a number of publishers.

For free.

For more details, please visit the Free Comic Book Day website and check out the PSA below featuring Wolverine himself, Hugh Jackman.

Geof Darrow Writing and Directing SHAOLIN COWBOY

Film geeks might know Geof Darrow for his work as the designer for the Wachowski's Matrix trilogy, but comic book fans are familiar with his collaborations with writer Frank Miller, Hard Boiled and Big Guy and Rusty The Boy Robot.

Darrow also created a series for the Wachowski's Burlyman Entertainment called Shaolin Cowboy which focuses on an unnamed former Shaolin Monk who, travels a wasteland pursued by vaious bounty hunters.

Variety reports that Shaolin Cowboy is now going to be an animated film, written and directed by Darrow and produced by Circle of Confusion.

The Wachowski's are also attached to produce.

No word yet if the film will be traditional animation or CGI.




To experience a taste of Darrow's line work translated to animation, check out an episode of the Fox television adaptation of Big Guy and Rusty The Boy Robot after the jump.

No, J.J. Walker did NOT paint that in real life RANT - 4/29/09

Remember watching the groundbreaking 70's show, Good Times?

If you do, you should remember the static shot of a painting called, “Sugar Shack” that was on screen during the shows end credits and B side of the theme song.

Music trivia Geeks like me also remember it from being on the cover of Marvin Gaye's record, “I Want You” in 1976.





It was painted by the amazing African American painter by the name of Ernie Barnes. He died on Monday at 70 years old from a rare blood disorder.

The image of that painting is forever burned in my brain because I saw it on television once a week for years.

Luckily, my Mother was an artist and taught me about Barnes' work. Did you also know that he played pro football for the New York Titans, San Diego Chargers, and Denver Broncos from 1960 - 1964? In 1965 the owner of the New York Jets,

Sonny Werblin recognized Barnes' passion for art and PAID HIM FOR ONE SEASON NOT TO PLAY so he could focus on painting. The following year, Barnes had his first solo show at a gallery in NYC and retired from football.


In 1984 he was commissioned by the Los Angeles Olympic Committee. Stars like Kanye West and Sly Stallone commissioned him as well as the NBA.

You should check out his body of work, and his autobiography from 1995 called, “From Pads to Palette.”

It's funny and sad that I learned more about him from my Mother and Father than I ever did in art school.

He will be missed.


Love,
Crystal

Holy Nunsploitation! One Man's Journey into Depravity.

Writer's block has plagued me for the last few days, so I thought I'd show an article I wrote for the fantastic genre magazine Paracinema. Go buy all their issues today! Also a warning, definitely NSFW. Considering Nunsploitation is pretty harsh in everything it does.

Nuns.

Those lovable sisters of the church. For years, anybody that's ever been in 'God's House' has noticed these habit wearing women in the background. My father would mention how they used to beat on his friends and himself when they weren't good little boys in school. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? But did any of you know that nuns themselves have taken on their own dirty, seedy, dare I say grindhouse-esque genre of film called the 'nunsploitation' film? One of my own personal favorites in the world of 70's cinema, it's height in theaters around the country, it's sadly not as acknowledged today as it was 30 years ago.



We have to ask ourselves why these types of films were made in the first place? Was it some sort of hatred toward religion that sparked controversy throughout Hollywood (and it's underground brethren)? Could it have been a bit of positive propaganda coming from both the church and it's followers? Or better yet, was it at a time that these filmmakers, mostly of Italian and Japanese descent, found their own personal muse within the nun ideal and figured to make a ton of money at their expense? Personally, it's usually number three, especially when it comes to 70's subversive cinema from Italian filmmakers.

Always out there to make themselves and their producers as much money as they could, the Italian film industry would jump on any film centric bandwagon, the flavor of the week if you will, and milk it until its teet were dry and pounce on the next genre that was the hot commodity at the moment. Nunsploitation was one of these genres of film that was quirky enough that people would see a trailer for one of those films alone and want to go out to their neighborhood theater on a Friday night and pay for a seat. It didn't even matter about plot or name stars. All it had to do was the amount of sex and violence that would be depicted within these films. And it was always by the bucket load.



Some point to the 1922 Scandinavian film Häxan to be a precursor to this genre, but only elements within it have some relevance to that theory. Nunsploitation has a lot to thank for it's inception in film history from an X-rated from prolific director Ken Russell called The Devils, a 1971 film that had A-list stars in Oliver Reed and Vanessa Redgrave and was based on some sort of actual history, based upon Aldous Huxley's book about a French priest by the name of Urban Grandier, who was tried as a witch and burnt at the stake. Not necessarily 'nun' heavy in its content, it did deal with religious views, heresy, torture, effeminate leaders (a homosexual hating Louis XIII is seen shooting Protestants dressed as birds) and a burning at the stake with masturbation via a burnt femur that was left over from Grandier's body. What other film could you say that you saw Vanessa Redgrave using a charred bone for sexual intercourse?



So we have a proper starting point for the nunsation, if you will. Convent erotica is the topic of choice in the next film on the list by the name of The Nun and the Devil, another Italian production by Paolo Dominici (aka Domenico Paolella). I had bought a bootleg copy by it's UK name Sisters of Satan. Starring former Miss Britain and giallo mistress Anne Heywood as the main nun herself, Sister Julia. It deals with her attempting, at any means necessary, to take over the position held by the dying Mother Superior. Loosely based on a true story on a convent in Sant Arcangelo di Baiano during the 16th Century in Naples, The Nun and the Devil deals with nuns being sexual active (be it with men or their own lesbianism exposed), torture by various degrees, corrupt church officials dealing with their own personal inquisition and an ultimate choice between life and death. Heavy handed stuff, especially for the growing market of sex filled films the 70's had to offer and the public demanded more than ever.



Not to be outdone, the Japanese decided to throw their own weight into the sub-genre of nunsploitation by exposing it to a bit of their infamous Pinky Violence genre and teaming it up with Godzilla's own company Toei to produce the shocking and visually stunning film School of the Holy Beast by director Norifumi Suzuki . It's a film that still intrigues some and offends many, especially of the Christian persuasion. This film would probably be considered nunsploitation's Citizen Kane, mainly for the fact that it had a bit more going for it. Of course it starred a girl who becomes a nun after having a sexually charged last night before joining the convent. But as opposed to other films in the genre that deal with nonstop sex and violence as their storyboards, School of the Holy Beast deals with revenge and a story about finding the truth about their own self and the life they wish they knew. It's a film that deals with torture, but at some ultimate goal through it all. It is harsh, brutal and from some people, vomit inducing. Urine is used in one scene, as is bloody beatings on camera and rape used as a positive social act. Being a Japanese film, it differs from Western sensibilities. Sex has a different agenda and this film wouldn't have been looked upon as being sexist, even though the rape is rather prevalent. It is used as a tool to try to demean a woman, one that is a strong female lead. Yumi Takigawa plays the character of Maya, which was a new thing in Japanese culture, especially considering their film industry was dominated by men. Women were looked upon as mere decoration or tools for a film to go from point A to point B. The film is a sight to see and even if movies about nuns aren't your cup of tea, see it just for the cinematography alone. The snowing scenes during Christmas time is one of the most gorgeous scenes I've seen, especially in cult cinema and you can see the dichotomy between the snow and the ash falling from the nuclear bombs America sent upon Nagasaki.



From Bride of Christ to Slave of Satan. That is the tag line for the infamous Mexican release Satánico Pandemonium, the 1975 film directed by Gilberto Martinez Solares. Up until recently, not many people knew about this film. Then From Dusk Til Dawn came out and Quentin Tarantino named Salma Hayek's character after the film's title, as an homage to one of his favorite films. A trashy film that deals with a devout nun being tempted by the devil himself into a world of sex and depravity, Solares still competently directs this film, with its garish colors and steady pacing. Exploitation at its finest, an excuse to have beautiful women dressing as nuns, which in theory is one of the main reasons nunsploitation lasted as long as it did. Some sort of subconscious need for men to see nuns, women of authority in the churches they might frequent with their family every Sunday, depicted in set pieces doing some of the most sexually promiscuous things the film industry has ever shown in theaters.



Nunsploitation tends to be centered around period pieces, usually during the Inquisition, any medieval time frame and witch trials. But one film that took a different route in that department and jumped to present day Italy was the 1978 film Killer Nun, directed by Alberto Berruti. Starring Anita Ekberg as Sister Gertrude, who has been recovering from neurosurgery, but her Mother Superior is worried that it might be too soon for her to be back recovering. She's more than right when Sister Gertrude first denounces head doctor Patrick Roland (Joe Dellasandro, star of many Warhol produced films) and starts a reign of terror within the hospital, introducing rampant lesbianism, torturing the elderly inmates at the hospital, heroin and morphine addiction, having impersonal heterosexual sex with a random man at a nearby bar and throwing an elderly man out of a window for having sex with one of the other nuns. As opposed to other films in the genre, Killer Nun doesn't try to show any social commentary whatsoever, instead being as depraved as the characters within the story. It was even banned in the United Kingdom, becoming one of their infamous 'video nasties' that have become legendary in the tape trading days.



The same year brought upon a joint venture from Hong Kong and the Philippines called They Call Her Cleopatra Wong, a martial arts heavy film starring Marrie Lee (a name given to her by producers to capitalize on the popularity of Bruce Lee) as the title character. Performing her own stunts and kicking as much ass as the running time can handle. This film is in the nunsploitation genre mainly for a whole section of the film, they are doing a stakeout at a monastery and see the nuns and the monks there are packing heat with heavy artillery. In reality, they are part of a villainous syndicate who have been dealing with bogus cash and have captured the true nuns and monks and locked them away in the basement. As any chop socky film would have, huge explosions, a motorcycle equipped with a machine gun and lots of carnage are the norm. Not your typical nunsploitation film, but a fun one that has been cited as one of the influential films for Quentin Tarantino.

One of the essential film directors in the sleaze department, Joe D'Amato (or any of the other aliases he went by throughout his extensive career) even had his hand in the nunsploitation pot. Twice actually. Once while the genre was dying out with the disco phenomenon. In the 1979/1981 (depending on when it was released in the world) film Images in a Convent, he doesn't just try to show a little bit of skin, but instead showcases the nuns buxom bodies and decides to make it as hardcore as possible, bypassing the middleman and delivering what people were begging for. It deals with a convent of nuns who, as per usual, offer themselves sexual pleasure with one another. Being locked up within those sacred walls tend to do that to these screen nuns. One night a wounded man is taken in, despite their strict rules against it, and each of the nuns start to desire him. Sadly for them, they don't realize that he has brought the devil himself with him in the form of a statue, which has the local heroic priest attempting to exorcise the demon. Too bad they start to desire him as well. Rape, lesbianism and even wooden dildos are in this film and was merely made to satiate Joe D'Amato's need for an adult film featuring naked nuns and a plot is only construed to string along each sleazy sex scene.

Seven years later he returned with the film Convent of Sinners, which featured a girl named Susanna who was raped by her own father but sent to a convent to become a nun and to “wash away her sins”. She then falls in love with the priest and wants to leave but the nuns are jealous and want her for their own sexual needs and decide to announce that she's been possessed by the devil and will stop at nothing to exorcise the demon from within her. Sex is throughout the film but it seems as if they decided to take a different route with the genre all these years later and showcase her martyrdom for wanting to live a normal life again. Still dealing with sex and violence (there's a depraved scene dealing with holy water and someone's orifice. I'll leave it to your imagination), D'Amato chose a little more substance in this film and even thought it tends to get a bit sluggish at times, it's still a worthy viewing in the genre.



Nunsploitation was all but dead when Disney came along and thought to revive the ailing sub-genre. Disney, you say? Yes, they used one of their smaller companies, Touchstone Pictures, and decided to come out with a film about a woman deceiving a convent by posing as a nun. And she's was hiding from the mob, who had a hit out on her for seeing a bit too much of the business. Sounds exciting and depraved, doesn't it? In the hands of a cult cinema director, it could have been. But this is Disney, remember? Instead they opted to make it a comedy and have it star Whoopi Goldberg. And that movie was called Sister Act. You might be asking, “How could that be considered a part of the nunsploitation genre?” And I would tell all of you that it's a film that deals with nuns, crazy situations within their convent and neighborhood, some violence occurs, there's a bit of promiscuity, throw in some funky music, a big finale and exploiting the church and religion in general. There's your formation as to why Sister Act can be considered a part of nunsploitation. We will not speak about the truly inferior sequel Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (even though James Coburn was in it).



You might even go as far as saying that is 'nunsense'. I would tell you that Nunsense is a musical about nuns who have to create a greeting card line in order to pay for the burials of their fellow sisters, who were killed by accident by a tainted batch of vichyssoise. It was also such a worldwide phenomenon that is spawned 5 sequels, has made hundreds of millions in profit and has starred everyone from Rue McClanahan to Phyllis Diller. It does exploit nuns in a comedic way, such as Sister Act did. It also features a convent within a leper colony in France. France and lepers always equal nunsploitation.

Lately though, there hasn't been many films dealing with the nunsploitation genre, unless you look at the porn industry. Films such as 2000's Sacred Flesh deal with a very slight plot that is an excuse to instead exorcise sex scenes with nuns that have breast implants and too much makeup. It's sad that they choose to take the easy way out and just have sex scenes with nuns, as opposed to loosely showing some sort of social relevance. It's not like I'm asking for a Shakespearean sonnet in my nun centric films.

But wait, there's hope in the world. In the last 5 or so years, DVD companies such as Mondo Macabro, Synapse Films, Cult Epics, Severin Films, Blue Underground and many others have brought nunsploitation back to the forefront of film collectors everywhere, with pristine prints of these forgotten cult classics. Showcasing films that many people, even the most devout collector might have heard about once in passing, have forgotten, now a new generation can truly appreciate what nunsploitation has to offer. Please take the time out to put some of these films on your Netflix account, visit these companies websites to see what they have to offer and better yet, just enjoy these films for the sleazy films that they are. Our fathers and mothers might not have told you that they saw one of these films in theaters when you were at church, but just know that a few of them were thinking about them and all their kinky glory.

Save The Intersect! Do Not Let Fulcrum Win! SAVE CHUCK!!!

Despite critical praise and a devoted following, the NBC series Chuck is apparently on the bubble for renewal. As described on the official Chuck website, the series premise is set up in the pilot, when Chuck (Zachary Levi) opens an e-mail subliminally encoded with government secrets, he unwittingly downloads an entire server of sensitive data into his brain. Now, the fate of the world lies in the unlikely hands of a guy who works at a Buy More Electronics store. Instead of fighting computer viruses, he must now confront assassins and international terrorists.

With the government's most precious secrets in Chuck's head, Major John Casey (Adam Baldwin) of the National Security Agency resumes his responsibility of protecting Chuck. Casey's partner is the CIA's top agent (and Chuck's dream girl), Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski). They try to keep him safe by trading in his pocket protector for a bulletproof vest.

This past week, the season finale sets up an exhilarating new status quo for our hero and the thought of not being able to see the story continue is disheartening. With one of the strongest casts on television, Chuck is one of my favorite shows currently on the air. NBC will announce the future of the series in late May, but if you enjoy the show or have never seen it, watch the very accessible final four episodes after the jump and visit the Chuck fansite to see how you can help save the series.

Comic Book Wednesday

Another week has flown by folks and it's time once again for COMIC BOOK WEDNESDAY!!!, an opportunity for all of you non-comic fans to check out some of the best comics around.

For free.

Peruse this week's selections after the jump.









Proof #1
Written by Alex Grecian; Illustrated by Riley Rossmo
FBI Agent Ginger Brown, is an 'every woman' forced into a world usually seen in The Weekly World News and X-Files, The Loch Ness Monster, Mothman and her new partner, Bigfoot, prove to be much more than folklore. Proof kicks off with Agent Brown reluctantly accepting how warped her life has become. However, she quickly finds out that's merely the beginning. Things get much stranger real fast.

H.G. Welles' War of The Worlds
(Adapted by Ian Edginton and D'Israeli)
In the closing years of the nineteenth century, the genteel tranquility of Victorian England is shattered by the arrival of an invasion force from the red planet-Mars! Methodical and merciless, the Martians are intent on nothing less than the conquest and subjugation of the human race.

Told from the point of view of an ordinary man caught up in the carnage and chaos, we witness firsthand how the then-greatest empire in the world is brought to its knees by the Martians'cool alien intellect and the implacable heat ray!

Monster (Manga)
(Written and Illustrated by Naoki Urasawa)
Dr. Tenma is an talented and idealistic neurosurgeon who moved from Japan to Germany to practice medicine. When he learns that a patient whose life he saved long ago is now a sociopathic killer, Dr. Tenma embarks on a quest to bring him to justice.

Doom Patrol #19
(Written by Grant Morrison; Illustrated by Richard Case)
The first issue of Morrison's surreal, legendary run of some of the World's Strangest Heroes.

When There's No More Room In Hell: A Living Boy's Dream...

I understand that this may not be the most appropriate timing for this article, but a certain current event, a "health crisis" if you will, has tickled my ultimate fantasy. For you see, this has been bubbling away inside of me and now is as relevant a time as ever to let it out.

I really want a zombie outbreak.

Not necessarily something on a global scale, nor at the level of a small Romanian village of infected people. A large city with a population of a million sounds about right. Yeah. With a few small pockets of non-infected. Maybe five or so groups of six. I could totally lead one of those packs. We'd be the badass pack.

Damn, that would be so awesome.

If I ever found a magic lamp, that would probably be my one wish, a zombie outbreak. Or if there was some crazy make-a-cancer-nerd-wish-foundation, that would be what I'd ask for.

Also, I guarantee you if I ever find myself in some cool government lab, with stainless steel doors and weird automated robot arms, and if I see some freaky vials with green or blue stuff inside... I guarantee you I'll take it. Then I'd gather all my armaments before breaking said vials directly in the center of the city.

Just awesome.

Look at my inbox fill up already... Ryan, you're nuts... Ryan what are you thinking?... Have you lost your mind?! A zombie outbreak?? What if my friend becomes a zombie and I have to blow his brains out with a high-power assault rifle?... What about the sociological/economical/ecological ramifications?

All these questions, and yet they beg one answer: because it would be awwwwwwesome. Send. Message sent.

C'mon... ah... there you go... there's that smile. You're thinking about how awesome it would be to walk around an empty city with four of your closest pals, looting all the cool stores and bashing zombie heads in. And just to be clear, we're talking slow-ass Romero zombies, not those terrifying fast-ass remake zombies. Krishna zombies. Blue paint zombies. If none of this appeals to you then let's face it, you don't know how to have fun.

This has nothing to do with the recent zombie appreciation trend. City-wide zombie walks in June.


Anime zombie cartoon super happy fun times. Zombie Elvis. Zombie Jesus. Well... that one kind of makes sense. But hell, I even saw a book the other day, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. This is all fine and great and exploitative and all, but when that day comes, that fateful Z-Day, your trinkets and funny books ain't gonna cut it.

You have to be prepared.

Are you prepared? You better get prepared, because zombie outbreaks tend to lose their fun if one happens and you're merely pared. Pre. Means do it now.

Before the zombies. Let the good times roll, right?

Right.

Oh man.

Sure there's books and survival guides and manuals and seminars and all this mumbo jumbo that you could buy into like all the regular chumps, but ultimately the only thing that's going to keep you alive is your ability to stay focused, maintain your desire to beat the hell out of a ton of undead bastards, and your choice of weaponry.

In the game of re-killing zombies, weaponry could be the most important detail when it comes to your survival, and ultimate enjoyment of the outbreak. There are so many factors one needs to evaluate: weight of the weapon, dependency on ammo, type of ammo, range of fire, spray radius... you see, you can't just assume that the seemingly efficient handgun can get you through the day, nor can you rely solely on a fully automatic bullet-sprayer.

Every and any weapon is a valuable one, but understanding when and where to use them is critical.

I've spent a lot of time going over scenarios and writing long equations, extrapolating, punching numbers into the Eliminatulon LX, that sort of thing, and I think I've nailed the perfect weapons.

Firstly, the shotgun. I think of this as the last resort, backed in a corner, partially accepted your demise type of weapon. Under relaxed circumstances however, this firearm is not only incredibly badass, but fun. It's moderately cumbersome, doesn't hold much ammo and is a bigger pain to reload than say a small semi-automatic gun, but this baby can do some damage.


And with a spray of smaller bits and pieces, you can maximize your offense and even take out multiple walkers in close proximity. Did I mention it looks super badass to fire? Get yourself caught short though and your back teeth will be en route through your ex-best friend's colon.

My second pick is kind of a dark horse, and definitely not the most sensible of weapons... in fact... it's completely stupid in terms of logistics and survival. This pick is entirely from the video-game section of my brain. That weapon... twin knuckle dusters. Mark my words: there is nothing... NOTHING... badassier than a dude (me) destroying zombie heads by punching right through them. With your fists. Imagine running through an abandoned mall, with nothing but brass knuckles, caving in faces by the handful. You can't buy awesome like that. Unless you can afford two of those zombie maker juice vials.

My last pick is another unorthodox choice for zombie offence/defense, but one that serves as a merger between the sensibility and functionality of a firearm, and the fun and sport of annihilating the living dead. This particular weapon has been ruining people's shit for centuries, and if I had my way I'd be messing up a zombie's day with it too.

It was good enough for Bruce Wayne. It was good enough for Bruce Willis.

It was even good enough for Ghost Dog.


I'm talkin 'bout the samurai sword.

Oh baby. I bet you wish you thought of that. Think about it, it's the perfect weapon. You can impale with it. Slice with it. Separate stuff with it. Horizontal. Vertical. But even better, diagonal. I'd be cutting every zombie diagonally. A thousand diagonal cuts per day, my god. When I got really good at slicing zombies (which I would), I would wait out in the middle of the street until a small group of undead formed around me. Then I'd super-slice the lot of them - diagonally - and stand back and watch all the zombie wedges slowly slide to the ground - diagonally.

I would trade Christmases forever for one weekend zombie outbreak.

Ninja kicks. Uppercuts. Falcon punches. Heart punches. The possibilities are endless. Can you imagine?

A boy can dream, I guess. And until the day that I can lovingly force a bullet into the medulla oblongata of a corpse thought dead, I will continue to dream that dream.

I will also continue to not wash my hands after using filthy bathrooms and then ride public transit. I will also be more liberal with my high-fives. Basically, I will do anything it takes to expedite the whole zombie outbreak process.

I'm keeping the dream alive, and you should too.

Oh, and don't worry... when that day comes, and you've turned... I promise I will have no problem taking you out with a shotgun or super-punch or diagonal slice.

It will be my pleasure.

Music Is My Light at the End of the Tunnel

Molly B. Denham is currently trapped under something heavy.

But do not fear, pop culture-loving-funsters! Music Is My Blank will return in two weeks after she has dug herself out from under her books.

The Coming Tablet Revolution

The rumors are getting stronger that Apple is set to release a larger version of the iPod Touch. Google's Android will soon be shipping on more than just phones, and the popularity of Amazon's Kindle continues to surge.

Netbooks, iPhones, and Kindles are just the beginning.

The tablet revolution will soon be upon us, and as usual Apple will probably be ahead of the pack, blazing the trail.





Several months ago in this space I fantasized about Apple releasing Mac OS X Touch - a hypothetical, full version of OS X, with fully functional multitouch capabilities. I think it's only a matter of time before that comes to fruition. But I think the fist step is coming sooner, and it won't be a full-blown OS, but rather the current version of OS X that runs on the iPhone and iPod touch.

Strong rumors are brewing that Apple is set to release a tablet device later this year. I imagine it would run the version of OS X that has become so familiar to iPhone and iPod Touch owners. And that would make perfect sense. Not only is that graphical environment incredibly easy to navigate, it probably also wouldn't be too difficult to port it to a larger multitouch screen. And millions of users are already familiar with it.

The killer app for such a device? Apple's App Store itself. I imagine it wouldn't be very difficult at all for developers to port their iPhone/iPod Touch apps to a newer, bigger tablet. Competing tablets, possibly running some form of Linux, such as Google's Android, will lag far behind (at first) in availability of apps.

There will of course be competition. Google's Linux-based Android platform has plenty of promise. Android, which started as a smartphone OS, has quickly evolved into something more ambitious and is about to stake a claim in the netbook market. Surely, tablets would be next for Android. Other great Linux distributions will wind up on tablets for sure as well. Ubuntu's Netbook Remix would look right at home on a tablet. The much hyped, and promising Crunchpad runs a modified version of Ubuntu and may actually beat Apple to market. The netbook phenomenon has been a boon for Linux, and tablets will help to further Linux adoption.

Amazon's Kindle might look anemic to those looking for something more fully featured and tantalizing, but the Kindle has already become a favorite device of many, and it's e-book specialization will definitely allow it to occupy, and probably dominate that particular niche.

Two major players that must be mentioned are Palm and Microsoft. Rumors are swirling that Microsoft is working on an iPhone-killer. An attempt was inevitable. Microsoft has been working with multitouch technology for sometime now, as well as supplying the predominant OS for most tablet PCs currently in the wild, so it should come as no surprise that a future Zune could look and behave like an iPhone, as well as a hypothetical, similarly functioning Microsoft-powered tablet.

Palm generated huge buzz recently when they unveiled the Palm Pre. If the Pre's OS is as usable as it appears it to be, Palm getting into the tablet market would make plenty of sense.

So what's the big deal about tablets anyway? Tablet PCs have been around for ages. They've always been basically fully functional laptop, but in tablet form. The tablet revolution that I'm talking about is more akin to the netbook revolution that we are experiencing now. It's all about simplicity, easy of use, speed, and being lightweight while still giving the user enough power for what they need to do. This niche is a proven winner when you look at the popularity of netbooks. Visualize a 10" iPod Touch and you get the idea. I would love to have such a device on my coffee table and in my backpack. Something not as clunky as a laptop, but not as minuscule as a phone.

I think, like the iPhone, if Apple's timing is right, they will blaze this trail successfully. The App Store will really help them get a foothold. But they will quickly find themselves facing plenty of competition from Google, Linux, Amazon, Palm, and Microsoft.

Whatever the outcome, the impending tablet revolution is going to be Geek Tech bliss.

New TRANSFORMERS 2 Trailer Leaks Online

One of the biggest films of the summer, Transformers 2 is set to premiere it's new trailer later this week.

But one person has already seen it.

And they brought a video camera.

J.J. Abrams and His Five Favorite Films

Geek audiences everywhere are eagerly anticipating the upcoming release of J.J. Abram's Star Trek.

Rotten Tomatoes spoke with the filmmaker, where he named his top five films.

The Dreamquest of Edgar Allan Poe

“…several critics agree that Poe only has one endlessly repeated main character- himself. He is pictured as appearing and reappearing as his melancholic, hallucinated, mad and half-mad creations again and again.”

-free online research papers.com

On Sullivan’s Island Edgar Allan Poe made the acquaintance of a naturalist, William Legrand, and his black servant, Jupiter. Edgar joined the pair in a search for Captain Kidd’s treasure that Edgar recorded as a story he titled “The Gold-Bug” first published in 1842. Edgar received his share of the fortune in July 1831, around the time his brother Henry died.

With nothing to keep him in the United States, Edgar used the money to travel to Europe.


In Paris, Edgar met the greatest detective of his generation, the Chevalier C. Auguste Dupin.


Edgar and Dupin met at a library on Rue de Montparnasse, when they both reached for the same book, a treatise on mesmerism. The two became fast friends, and were eerily similar in appearance. Though Edgar is convinced that he and Dupin are not related, save distantly, through their “Celtic strain,” Dupin thinks there may be a closer relationship. At the time of their meeting Edgar is 22 and Dupin is 39. Dupin has been a consultant for the Paris police for about twenty years. (Poe; 1841) (Poe/Hatvary; 1997)

Edgar, poor throughout his short life, is this one time flush with cash and in better financial shape than Dupin, whose once rich family has been much reduced in fortune as of late. Edgar and Dupin decide to share a room. Their very first case is in August of 1831. Even though Edgar’s story based on the event, “The Murders in the Rue Morgue” gives all credit in solving the case to Dupin’s genius, Dupin himself states that Edgar was equally brilliant and an equal partner. The events, recorded by Edgar in 1841, concern a double homicide committed by an orangutan. (Poe; 1841) The fame Edgar and especially Dupin received due to this case made Dupin a household name in Paris, and Dupin found himself consulting on at least twenty recorded cases, and many more unrecorded.

Though Edgar only composes stories based on three cases investigated in the company of Dupin, author Michael Harrison in 1965 discovered notes kept by Edgar concerning seven other cases, and duly edited them into stories.

It is very likely that Edgar met, in the course of his dealings with Dupin, the famous chief of the Sûreté, Francois Vidocq. Vidocq was a career criminal who decided at one point to become a policeman, and developed many of the procedures used for generations of police work. He was a master of disguise, and a brilliant detective in his own right. His memoirs had a profound effect on the way Edgar depicted Dupin though Dupin describes Vidocq as “…a good guesser, and a persevering man.” Edgar met Vidocq in the summer of 1832. He realized upon being introduced that he had met Vidocq several times before in Dupin’s company, but had not realized it was the same man. Vidocq had keen night vision, a phosphorescence of the eye that he shared with cats and owls.

In November 1831 Edgar and Dupin unraveled the mystery of the disappearance of the plans to a super weapon developed by Robert Fulton 25 years earlier. These plans were considered so dangerous they were kept under lock and key by the French authorities. (“The Mystery of the Fulton Documents” Poe/Harrison; 1968) In this story it is revealed that Dupin’s fame as an investigator has allowed Dupin to begin to rebuild his squandered family fortune, and Edgar and Dupin hire a manservant, a discreet gentleman named Hyacinthe.

Their next recorded case is in the spring of 1832, known as “The Vanished Treasure” (Poe/Harrison; 1965). Edgar and Dupin meet Simon Bolivar, South American revolutionary leader, and help him to understand what happened to a large treasure he was unable to put his hands on. Bolivar had recently faked his death to travel to France, but did not survive long past the events of this story.

In “The Mystery of the Gilded Cheval-Glass” Edgar and Dupin solve a murder mystery in March 1832. In this story, based on notes by Edgar and completed in 1966 by Michael Harrison, Edgar is introduced by Dupin as “Mr. Carter Randolphe, of Richmond Virginia.” This use of a pseudonym by Edgar, and adopted by Harrison, is very interesting.

Writer H. P. Lovecraft in six stories or poems uses the name “Randolph Carter” for what most have seen as a thinly disguised alter ego of Lovecraft himself. Carter is described as an uncelebrated author, whose literature has frequently gone unnoticed. A melancholy figure, Carter is depicted as a quiet, contemplative artist and dreamer with a sensitive disposition, prone to fainting during times of emotional stress. What is interesting is that this description can be applied as easily to Edgar Allan Poe as to Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Lovecraft’s first story about Randolph Carter is “The Statement of Randolph Carter,” based on a dream.

However, there is much evidence that Randolph Carter is not based on Lovecraft at all, but on a writer who lived nearly a century before and with whom Lovecraft surly felt some real affinity.

S. T. Joshi, arguably the greatest authority on Lovecraft who ever lived, has this to say about the relationship between Lovecraft and his character Randolph Carter:

“Although HPL clearly identified with Carter on many different levels, Carter is not as autobiographical a character as many others in HPL’s fiction; he is, instead, a construct representing various of HPL’s philosophical and aesthetic view..'

(Joshi; 2001)

Edgar Allan Poe is Lovecraft’s hero. (Shreffler; 1977) In 1916 Lovecraft called Poe “…my God of Fiction.” It is well known that Lovecraft borrowed some ideas from Poe, doing a homage to him in “The Hound.” (1922) Fritz Lieber called the story “The Statement of Randolph Carter” a story “…in the vein of Poe.”

The question now becomes: Could Lovecraft have been dreaming supernatural biographical details of Edgar’s life?

Sometime in 1826 Edgar began to abuse opium, in the form of Laudanum, at the University of Virginia. That he had a lifelong addiction to this drug is very probable. His suicide attempt in 1847 was an attempt to overdose on the drug. Dupin mentions also that he and Poe experimented with cannabis, and is it improbable, at a school founded by Thomas Jefferson, that cannabis was available? It is well known that the founding fathers enjoyed marijuana. The soporific effects of both drugs, as well as the vivid, otherworldly dreams that one experiences while under the effects, are well know. With these drugs and his acknowledged understanding of the occult, Edgar would have become an accomplished magician/dreamer. Poe expert Launcelot Canning has said “…no one has ever equaled (Edgar’s) knowledge of the secrets that lie beyond the grave.” (Bloch 1965)

One last point: No matter how much Lovecraft would like to imagine himself a southern gentleman, he was not. Lovecraft was a New Englander, a Yankee with conservative pretensions. Poe, on the other hand, Like Randolph Carter, is actually from Richmond Virginia, and was raised as a southern gentleman.

If Edgar Allan Poe is Randolph Carter, then some surprising clues about Edgar’s ancestry can be surmised. First of all, the Randolph Carter of Lovecraft’s stories had an ancestor referred to as Sir Randolph Carter, a magician in the days of Elizabeth I a contemporary of the infamous Dr. Dee. Looking into Edgar’s ancestry, we might find a Randolph Carter, and learn why this particular name became so important that first Poe and later Lovecraft used it to identify the protagonist of occult dreamland stories.

The events in Lovecraft’s stories all take place in the 1920’s and 30’s, but if the events occurred in Poe’s lifetime, we must move the stories back in time nearly one hundred years. Moving the stories of Randolph Carter back in time means that some events must be fictionalized as Lovecraft wrote them. Edgar would have had no access to a telephone, for instance, as Randolph Carter uses in “The Statement of Randolph Carter.” Since Lovecraft gained all his information on Edgar’s occult adventures and journeys through dreams, and in the dreams details were added or subtracted in such a way as to convince Lovecraft that the dreams he was having were his own, it is only natural that Lovecraft contemporized the events. Only over time did Lovecraft begin to understand that he was dreaming true events in the occult and dream life of his “God of Fiction.”

We know that Edgar first experimented with opium while a student at the University of Virginia. It was here, as stated in "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath," that he attempted three times to enter the sunset city, and was snatched away before entering. This would have been in 1826.
In 1833, upon Edgar’s return to the United States, Edgar met occultist “Harley Warren,” who appreciated Edgar’s facility with language, and taught Edgar some Arabic and bits of other ancient languages. Along the way, “Warren” would instruct Edgar in the mysteries of the occult. It was in 1838 the events described in Lovecraft’s “The Statement of Randolph Carter” occurred, though without the use of a telephone.

In 1846 Edgar visited his friend “Joel Manton” in Arkham Massachusetts, and was attacked by an otherworldly, gelatinous monster in a graveyard. Lovecraft describes the event in his short story, “The Unnameable.”
The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, a novel by Lovecraft, mentions Randolph Carter as a friend of Marinus Bicknell Willett, as sort of an expert on the occult. Though written in 1928 the events described occurred in the mid 1840’s, and did not directly concern Edgar.

The last two Randolph Carter stories written by Lovecraft are “The Silver Key” and “Through the Gates of the Silver Key.” The occult events of the first story came near the end of Edgar’s life, based as they are on a life lived and reconsidered. The second story concerns Carter’s disappearance, dressing as a swami, and having an occult revelation that allowed him to transcend earthly concerns forever. In this way did Edgar somehow escape the final ravages of death?

Alan Moore revealed a previously unknown chapter in Randolph Carter’s life, an adventure with the Time Traveler of H.G. Wells novel The Time Machine, Allan Quatermain, the hero of several H. Ryder Haggard novels, and John Carter of Mars, from the Edgar Rice Burroughs series. This story, a meditation on dream, time and astral travel, works on several opium infused levels, as both Edgar, as Randolph Carter, and Quatermain are given to adventures in dreams. The story is a serialized back up to Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and is called “Allan and the Sundered Veil.” Since in the story it is revealed that Randolph Carter is a descendent of John Carter, we can now confidently assert that Edgar Allan Poe and John Carter are somehow related. (However, rather than a descendent John Carter would be an ancestor.)

This aspect of Edgar’s life is perforce one of the most mysterious and impenetrable, but the clues are all there, we just need to follow where they lead.

The Twelve...

The Twelve things that annoy the hell outta me:

1) Wait staffs who don't fix rocking tables in their restaurants. Here's the thing. If I sit down and the water glass gets catapulted over my head and out the window.

I'm not tipping you.

Not a cent.



And if I'M the one has to get down to the floor and shove the folded-up paper under the table leg, I'm probably not going to be your greatest customer.



2) Grocery store baggers who have to use ten thousand plastic bags for ten dollars worth of groceries. They're not banned yet (plastic bags, not the baggers) and I have to say, I think baggers are being paid by the bag. I've seen them try to put produce into separate bags and it just kills me. A gallon of milk doesn't need to be in a bag. It has a handle.

3) That fucking "Prayer Cross" commercial. Does it have to be shown on every commercial break? Are we so in need of the Lord's Prayer that we have to have this piece of cheap garbage reminding us every ten minutes? And what the hell IS a "Certificate of Authenticity" on something this stupid? Are you certifying that I'm an idiot? And if the Lord's Prayer is so important, why do I have to squint into a piece of cheap crystal to see it?

4) That annoying blonde woman who is IN the "Prayer Cross" commercial. This is the woman who is shrieking at her husband about the television being too loud in those "Listen Up" hearing aid/spying device commercials. How can she go from screaming at her husband to lovingly accepting the Lord's bling is beyond me.

5) Yes. Cell phones in a theater. WTF America... we STILL can't figure this shit out yet? Cell phones have been around long enough for our brains to understand that they annoy people in theaters. And texting is even WORSE. I sat behind a girl texting all the way through "Watchmen" and I wanted to go Roarschach on her skull. I just kills me how people can't hit the off button on these devices for two fucking hours! STILL!!

6) Fast food places like McDonald's who show photos on their menus and then serve you its retarded cousin. I mean, c'mon, it's a patty on a bun with some ketchup and mustard in it. Why can't they get it right? Cold bun, burger's half-off the bun, cheese gluing the patty in place, which makes you have to decide on whether to eat the all-bun side, or the all-patty side. And quit showing how lovingly it's made in the commercial, with grandma's wooden spoon to ladle the ketchup onto... then serve me something that came out of a George Romero film. I mean, yeah... I realize this is McDonald's, but can you just have SOME pride in your work? Just a LITTLE? I work as hard for my money as you do.

7) Electronics store employees. These have to be the worst employees in existence today. You want to know why places like Comp U.S.A. and Circuit City went out of business? It's because of these blue-vested slackers who had better things to do than help the customers. I once walked into one of these places to spend over two grand and damned if I wasn't treated like the Invisible Man. As usual, they were all herded together in the gaming department, seven blue vests, doing all they could to avoid eye contact with me, the customer. I was standing next to the Apple laptop I wanted to purchase, holding my credit card, ready to buy. I couldn't look more obvious if I tried.

Nothing. Nada. No thanks, we don't need your money. We're happy hanging out in our clubhouse. When I heard that Circuit City was closing its doors, I reacted the same way I did when you hear about someone being tackled at the airport because they thought it'd be hilarious to wave a box-cutter in the air. What did you THINK was going to happen? You don't help your customers, the store closes.

8) I'm tired of networks thinking that watching people being assholes to each other is a form of entertainment. Women who think they're all that. Business owners treating potential employees like garbage to get a job. Spoiled children who should've grown up by now. Ugh. Housewives who I can't believe anyone would marry in a million years. House-flippers who I'd never want in my home no matter how talented they are. And I'm TIRED of shows where they shove ten, twelve, forty strangers into a house and make them live together in order to watch them go ballistic on each other. Enough. We get it, already. Nobody likes you.

9) The idiots at FOX NEWS who act as though President Obama's mission is to destroy the world. Acknowledge the fact that YOUR guy, George (where'd he go?) Bush, put the country you claim to love so much INTO this mess, thus making Obama the "First Janitor" and maybe we could listen to you.

10) The idiot who thought you could have a jet fighter chase a low-flying Air Force One plane across the New York skyline and NOT freak the citizens out. I don't want a hearing on this. I want the person thrown out the door. He's an idiot. I mean, did ANYONE in the room not say "Ummmm remember how New Yorkers had those planes hit the towers and they fell to the ground and it traumatized the entire city..? We shouldn't try to do this. This stunt might make them, y'know... RE-LIVE it." Why not just have a group of Nazi soldiers storm into the Holocaust Museum, while you're at it?

11) Whatever numb-nut came up with the idea with messing around with the recipe for Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, I'm probably too old to eat this stuff, but I do. And I actually LIKE Cocoa Puffs. But now they taste like... like... I want to say insulation foam. It's horrible. Quit messing with my childhood already!!

12) People on television acting as though "Twitter" is some straaaange crazy doohickey the kids are using that grown adults could never figure out. And especially the morning show hosts who somehow cannot grasp Twitter. I mean, c'mon... I'm the same age they are and even I can figure out how to type a freakin' sentence. It's not confusing, for cryin' out loud. But these people act as though you're trying to teach them how to build a space shuttle. And for God's sake... do they REALLY need a "TWITTER EXPERT" to show them how to use Twitter? If so, then our race is doomed.

There y'go. Solve these twelve things and make my life perfect.

Sam Cobra, Johhny West and the Circle X Ranch

I have a new obsession.

And his name is Sam Cobra.

A couple of months ago I was talking toys with a friend who was telling me about the toys he and his brother grew up with in the 1960s. He mentioned various 12 inch GI Joe toys I was familiar with but then mentioned some all-plastic Cowboy figures about the same size. I was intrigued, I had never heard of these toys before.


I vaguely remember seeing something similar in the Gene Autry Museum, but had never come across large plastic cowboys in collecting circles.


After my friend did some poking around online, and a few clicks myself I found myself face to face with the Outlaw Sam Cobra, part of the Best of the West or Johnny West action figure lines created in 1964 by Louis Marx & Co. to compete with GI Joe.

These figures are fantastic and forgotten gems of toy collecting. I wasn’t as found of the good guys as Sam Cobra, but seeing them I felt as if someone had just opened a time-capsule in front of me.

The next step, of course, was to check EBAY, to see if my obsession to add Sam Cobra to my collection was a realistic endeavor or just a toy collecting pipe-dream.

And surprisingly, probably due to their obscurity, these toys are very affordable for action figures made over 30 years ago.

So I tracked down a Sam Cobra, bid… and lost.


But that’s okay, I found another one that seemed to be in good condition, bid and won!

I did it!

I captured the notorious outlaw… but what about his weapons and accessories?

One of the most amazing things about this figure besides its fantastic sculpting and articulation (seriously, a better articulated figure than many figures made today) is the amount of awesome accessories the figure comes with.

Three different pistols, two rifles, a safe, safe cracking tools, a cane with a blade in it, a sleeve dagger, a knife… Tons of stuff!

All missing.

Now I’m not a freak about these things, the figure doesn’t have to be absolutely complete for me to enjoy, but I would like him to have a few tricks up his sleeve when he comes across Johnny West or Sheriff Garrett. So I set out on a new quest, to search EBAY for loose Sam Cobra accessories.

Which led me to a knew discovery… The Circle X Ranch.

The Circle X Ranch is a modern day supplier and store for all things Marx & Co. Johnny West style.

I not only found on their EBAY store, but their official website that these folks aren’t only making reproduction accessories for the old west figures, they are also making new figures, new bodies, heads, and weapons for customizing or restoration.


The Circle X Ranch is at the center of a modern Johnny West collecting community.

A toy-collecting world I knew nothing about but am becoming quickly interested in joining.




In the process of ordering the parts needed to make Sam Cobra complete I met up with Noah Coop and his wife Terri, the folks behind the Circle X Ranch.

Fascinated with the amount of figures and accessories Circle X makes available, and very pleased with the quality of the merchandise, I thought I’d chat with Noah and Teri (who met thanks to Johnny West… that’s right fellow toy geeks, take note: you can meet women through your toy collecting!) to find out more about their operation and these awesome collectibles.

When did you first get interested in Johnny West? Did you play with them as a child, or discover them later in life? Whats your earliest memory of Johnny West?

Noah: Terri and I both played with Johnny West figures as children. My earliest memories are shopping for Johnny West with my Grandmother at Montgomery Wards, and playing with them in the sandbox at her house.

Noah and Terri, the folks behind the Circle X Ranch

Are you an old west enthusiast?

Six years ago we moved to a town built around a restored Civil War fort (Fort Scott in Fort Scott Kansas), so, yes, we definitely enjoy the Old West! However, toys are our passion, and Johnny West our obsession.

Do you collect any other toys besides Johnny West?

We collect all types of toys but our primary interest has always been action figures. Terri describes us as "magpies" and we even have a taxidermy magpie in our collection! We tend to add anything that catches our eye to our collection. I describe the majority of it, as our "revolving collection". We love to set up at toy shows so we can sell some of our extras, and buy new. Some things will never be for sale, and will always be favorites in our collection. Others we refer to as our "tomb guardians". These are the ones that appealed to us at the time, but have never appealed to anyone else! (laughs)

What’s one of the favorite pieces in your collection?

The prototype Jesse James figure is the favorite in our collection. There are only about a half-dozen known to exist. This figure was scheduled for release in 1966 but the TV series "The Legend of Jesse James" staring Christopher Jones was canceled just as the molds were completed. The figure was never mass produced. Instead the body was used on other characters, and the head was re-sculpted to create Zeb Zachary.




Shortly after we got the prototype figure, we produced new molds so we could share him with other collectors. He was the first figure we manufactured, and continues to be popular among Johnny West collectors as well as Old West enthusiasts . A curator of the Jesse James museum in Kearney, Kansas purchased a Jesse figure from us at the Kane County Chicago Toy Show to add to their display.

What gave you the idea to start manufacturing an armory and custom figures in the Johnny West style?

I began collecting Johnny West figures again in 1989. I was selling collectibles in an antique mall, and came across a MIB General Custer in another dealer's booth. I was overwhelmed by long forgotten childhood memories, and compelled to buy him immediately.

There was little information available about Johnny West series action figures at the time. I wanted them all, but could find no reference material that pictured them all. I found myself dreaming about characters that I recalled from my childhood, as well as others that were never created.

In my research, I came across a Toy Shop magazine, and quickly submitted a "Wanted to Buy" advertisement. Within a few months, I had purchased several collections, with the idea that I would keep the ones I needed for my collection, and sell the rest.

One of the collections I purchased contained over 100 figures, but most were Johnny West, Geronimo, and Jane. This purchase brought the number of figures I had in stock to just over 400. I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to create some of the characters I had been dreaming about.

In 1993 I began selling the characters I created, and vintage Marx figures as well, through Toy Shop and at toy shows. In doing so, I developed a network of friends, and customers, which led to a monthly direct mailing list of items I had for sale.




In 1997 a friend encouraged me to begin selling my work on eBay, and offered to introduce me to a friend of his who was experienced with posting auctions there.

He brought her to a toy show in Tulsa that I was set up at, and it was love at first sight. That person was of course, Terri. It turned out we shared a passion for Johnny West figures and she has been instrumental in helping to build a company devoted to manufacturing products for the hobby.

Did you come from a background in a type of manufacturing that gave you an understanding on how to make these items, or did you learn as you went along?

I was a printer for several years, then became a journeyman stonecarver and owned a lettering service and monument company for about 20 years. I was able to apply some of the knowledge I had obtained in these fields, but much of what we do now, was learned along the way.

What's it like to be such an active member of this community? Have there ever been conventions, meet ups, gatherings?

We have met some of the most wonderful and caring people in the world through the Circle X Ranch group. We have friends in every state and many different countries. We've found that the vast majority of people who collect Johnny West figures have an outstanding value system. Most loved Western movies and TV shows as children, and had an affinity with the "Good Guy". They wanted to be the good guy then, and continue to strive to be in their adult lives. Our group is as close as many families. We share our wins, and our losses, and offer encouragement and support. It's the best experience of my life, and it's our privilege and joy to share that with others.

We have had many gatherings in conjunction with toy shows throughout the US and Canada. We call these group get togethers, JohnnyCons, and try to have at least 4 per year. The largest is held at the annual Marx Convention in Wheeling West Virginia each June at the Kruger Street Toy and Train Museum. During the event, there is an evening sale at the Official Marx Toy Museum in Glen Dale, West Virginia. We look forward to this gathering with great anticipation, throughout the year.

Whats your advice to a new collector of Johnny West or Circle X Ranch?

My advice to any collector is to buy what you like, in the condition that most appeals to you. Terri and I prefer vintage items that appear to be vintage. To us, they show the time they were enjoyed by others, and it's clear to anyone who sees them that the item is vintage. Others prefer mint in mint box, and others still prefer no box at all.

So, first identify what you want your collection to look like, then buy what fits that description when you see it.


What are your future goals for Circle X Ranch?

We plan to remake and reissue all of the characters from the original Johnny West series, and create new ones as well.

Our goal is to share the joy of the hobby with as many people as we can.

Wii Are Not Alone

"We are being visited. It is now time to put away this embargo of the truth about the alien presence." – Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar D. Mitchell (April, 21, 2009).

Right about the time that last week’s column went live, the National Press Club was holding a conference with the sixth human being to ever walk on the moon. If you subscribe to any number of mainstream news feeds, you might have come across the headline: “Astronaut Says We’re Not Alone.” The story was filed by Political Theater columnist, Joseph Curl, via a humble, little paper called The Washington Times.

It was above-the-fold news on Friday in one of the nation’s most prestigious daily periodicals, but not so much as an anecdote on television or radios this past weekend.

Why would the news producers at FOX, CNN or even VH1 miss an opportunity to lead a news item with as much tabloid potential as this -especially during a slow news week?


Well for one, Edgar D. Mitchell isn’t just some random, senile near octogenarian. He’s a doctor in aeronautics and astronautics at MIT, and he happens to be extremely well respected by the scientific and military communities. He's a good, old-fashioned, American Hero from a bygone era, and taking pot shots at heroes has never been well advised. The campaign to discredit him may very well already be underway. This is, of course, unless Mitchell isn't a whistle blower, but is instead a publicity liaison for the "Illuminati," or S.M.E.R.S.H. or whatever clandestine organization you prefer.

The 79 year old has broken his forty years of silence to address a legitimate concern, “The sun will burn out in due course, and we have to be off this planet if our species is to survive. At this point in human history on this planet, we're now starting, and should be, to reach out beyond our planet and then beyond our solar system to find out what is really going on out there."

When questioned about the lack of proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life, he responded, “We have that, it's just that it's been covered up and denied by the powers that be in our own government," adding "there's a secret government that may be run by the military-industrial complex."

You can read the entire article here. I highly recommend that you do.

I love a mystery, but I don't consider myself a conspiracy theorist. I love science fiction as much as the next geek (and I use the term with respect), and I'm not so egotistical that I think my species is as good as it gets in the entirety of existence, but I'm a stickler for evidence and a devout zealot of Facts. As such, I am willing to entertain scenarios of a somewhat unconventional nature until I detect a gaping hole where a fact should be.

This week on The History Channel, there has been a lot of end-of-the-world programming.

Week two of the series spawned from the excellent Life After People was the opening act for a variety of 2012 Decoding the Past specials, and Prophecies of the Bible episodes. It was enough to make any lapsed Catholic nervous!

In case you are unfamiliar with the whole 2012 hullabaloo, the theory goes like this: The Mayans developed a sophisticated astronomical calendar that predicts the end of the world, as we know it, will occur on December 21, 2012. That scenario was independently substantiated by the I Ching, China's vague, multi-functioning oracle, after American shaman/theologist Terrance McKenna adapted a number code to the variable outcome chart that the three I Ching coins "predict." The 2012 doomsday theory is also supported by Merlin, of all people. No kidding! It turns out that there really was a guy (or guys) named Merlin who predicted all kinds of world events back in the 5th century in much the same non-specific way that Nostradamus did one thousand years later.

What makes this apocalypse scenario a little more compelling than the Millennium Mania that struck us less than a decade ago is that there are several geological and astronomical events that verify the past findings of the Mayan Calendar. Not one or two, but closer to two hundred. And these aren't as vague as the charming quatrains that everybody's favorite French seer jotted down after staring into a silver mirror, either.

There's been much speculation about what form this apocalypse will take, but many have come to the conclusion that a cosmic event will reverse the earth's polarity again (that's right -again! Apparently, Alaska used to be at the equator). Scientists discovered about four years ago that at the center of the known universe is a black hole, and it is inevitable that this black hole is going to swallow our sun some day. In any event, life as we know on this planet will be over. A pole shift will cause catastrophic earthquakes, polar icecap melting and biblical scale destruction. If the sun suddenly stops burning, aside from the lack of gravitational pull knocking the earth out of orbit and everything on this planet taking an abrupt right turn, the temperature on this planet would go way sub-zero in 17 hours. Even if you could somehow devise an ensemble that could keep you warm enough not to freeze to death, all crops and bodies of water would be frozen solid, and you would eventually starve.

So how does one market the end of the world?

By my calculations, in the case of a total pole reversal, Nebraska will be at the equator, and not entirely covered by water, so it shouldn't be too long before you start seeing "Come to Nebraska, your new island home" commercials. Expect to see real estate in Lincoln and Omaha reach Malibu prices as 2012 Mania spreads.

But seriously, if we're all going to die, there's not much point in doing anything differently. In the face of total global collapse, none of us has enough money to bargain with fate. The only feasible escape (and a far-reaching one at that) is either far underground, or way out in space. Since I don't know anybody with their own space shuttle, either destination carries the same problem with a different view, and neither passes for what I would call "living."

And we thought Obama would have his hands full with Iraq and the sluggish economy!

It will be interesting to see what reaction (if any) results from Edgar D. Mitchell's press conference. There are all kinds of spin waiting to be spun, I'm sure. Will the Obama administration open a dialog on any of the many grey (no pun intended) areas that conspiracy theorists would like to see light shed upon? Will we finally see the declassification of government memos on the JFK assassination, Roswell and 9/11?
I doubt it. Not because I'm a pessimist, but because I don't want to know if the doomsday clock is ticking. I want to go about business as usual. Although, it would be nice to know that I wouldn't be expected to pay my Visa bill in the months before the winter solstice of 2012.

"Honey? Pack your bags! We're going to that ice hotel you loved so much in that Bond movie..."

Maybe I'll do that anyway. That way if the world doesn't end, I can play hero. Because with luck like mine, the only way the end of the world can be averted is if it somehow costs me more money.

Where to begin? So many treasures, so little time. Well, I still don't have a Wii...