Fly, Gundam!

If you're like me, you're eagerly awaiting the announcement of panels for New York Anime Festival.

And if you are like me, then it's for a singular reason.

That reason is Yoshiyuki Tomino, the creator of Mobile Suit Gundam, who was announced in the spring as a guest of honor.




Gundam is the progenitor of what became known as the "real robot" genre, turning away from the portrayal of giant robots as almost-sentient characters (like Gigantor, Getter Robo and Mazinger), in favor of a more realistic (so to speak) portrayal of giant robots as weapons. Some of Gundam's followers would become classics in their own right, such as Super Dimensional Fortress Macross and Armored Trooper Votoms. However, Tomino's creation is the most enduring, spanning thirteen television series (so far), plus countless movies, OVAs, manga, video games, a theme park ride, and most notably of all its merchandise, model sets. (Gundam model building is a hobby unto itself.)




This year marks the thirtieth anniversary of the Gundam franchise, which began on April 7, 1979 with the premiere of the original Mobile Suit Gundam anime. Much like another popular sci-fi franchise, Star Trek, the show wasn't an immediate success, and was canceled before the end of its 52-episode order. Animation studio Sunrise was able to wrangle an extra month to tie up loose ends, and Mobile Suit Gundam ended at 43 episodes. However, it found its footing when Bandai acquired the merchandising license, and released the original line of Gundam models. The models were a smash hit, and coupled with the runaway popularity of a trilogy of compilation films, Mobile Suit Gundam became a phenomenon. (Namco Bandai later acquired Sunrise.)



I feel rather nostalgic about it myself, as this year marks ten years since I first became a Gundam fan. As part of Bandai's 20th anniversary "Big Bang Project," the company finally released Gundam in North America, beginning with the Mobile Suit Gundam movie trilogy. I snapped up the subtitled VHS boxed set as soon as I saw it, having long been curious about the franchise. For all I knew about Gundam at the time, which was admittedly very little, I wasn't prepared for what I would experience. By the end, I was hooked.


Mobile Suit Gundam takes place in the far future, where much of humanity has migrated to space colonies (based on theories and designs by physicist Gerard K. O'Neill). Generations have grown on the colonies, never knowing the Earth. Many of these "spacenoids" bristle at the Earth Federation's rule and formed the Republic of Zeon. By year 0079 of the Universal Century calendar, the Republic has become the Principality of Zeon, and declared war on the Federation. The first week of the war killed three billion people, and culminated in the destruction of Sydney (and much of Australia) after the Zeon dropped a deserted colony onto the planet. Thanks to the fictional Minovsky particle which interferes with radar long-range wireless communications, the Zeon are prompted to create mobile suits, giant robotic armors used for close-range combat, which give them the edge against the Federation.

The series took place in the later months of the "One Year War," revolving around the Federation battleship "White Base" and its mostly inexperienced young crew of refugees from the colony Side 7. One of those refugees is Amuro Ray, a prodigious young inventor and the son of a weapons designer. His father's creation is the Gundam, the Federation's own prototype mobile suit. During the Zeon attack on Side 7, Amuro finds himself thrust into combat in the Gundam's cockpit, and is surprisingly successful. During the course of the series, Amuro would grow even more as a pilot, discovering latent intuitive abilities bordering on psychic, and question the nature of war, along with many other characters. In fact, for a military sci-fi anime, Gundam seemed overwhelmingly pacifist, as characters irreversibly changed; some lost their sanity, and others died in the tide of battle. Many of them openly questioned the nature of their conflict and the concept of war in general.

The success of the Mobile Suit Gundam movies ultimately led Sunrise to commission a sequel series, with Tomino again at the helm. Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam performed as well as expected, but was even darker than the original series. Many fans consider it to be the high water mark of the Gundam franchise, and it was recently compiled into a trilogy of films called Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam: A New Translation.



From its inception through the early '90s, the Gundam series inhabited what the "Universal Century" timeline, and much of the story revolved around the One Year War and its aftermath until the feature film Char's Counterattack brought the plotline to a close. After a couple of efforts jumping further and further into the future, Sunrise began to create "alternate universe" Gundam series, with different takes on Gundam, most notably Mobile Fighter G Gundam, a homage to the "super robot" anime genre and the most tonally different Gundam series thus far, and Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, about a team of Gundam pilots, which established Gundam as a major franchise in the West. Most of the alternate universe series were developed by younger creators, though Tomino himself directed 1999's Turn A Gundam, his first since 1994's Mobile Suit Victory Gundam, a 20th anniversary project intended to tie every timeline up to that point together. (Another 20th anniversary release, the live-action film G-Saviour, takes place even further into the Universal Century future, while the upcoming Gundam Unicorn--debuting this winter--transpires a few years after Char's Counterattack.)


The Gundam franchise is filled with varied works, but many themes seem to carry over across each incarnation, including:

The indignities of war
Mobile Suit Gundam comments on this from the beginning, with civilians and military dying very ignominiously in the first episodes. Much of the official White Base crew is offed by Zeon commandos, and a bunch of teenage refugees are drafted into service. By the end, they're jaded, hard-bitten and battle-scarred--and those are the survivors.



We're not so different
On several occasions, some of the villains of Gundam aren't completely bad. Mobile Suit Gundam's Char Aznable is a classic example of this. The Zeon ace had his own motivations for fighting for the Principality, but he also had a sense of honor that endeared him to viewers. (He was so popular a character that Tomino cast him as one of the main heroes of Zeta Gundam) At times, other Zeon officers would meet Federation pilots off the field of battle, on occasions that led each person to wonder what things would have been like in a more perfect world.



Newtypes
Throughout Tomino's run on the Gundam franchise, certain characters were established as having heightened intuitive abilities and awareness, most likely thanks to adaptation to space life. These people were called Newtypes, and were regarded by some as the next stage in evolution. It was believed that White Base's untrained crew was heavily composed of Newtypes, giving them the necessary edge to survive. The idea was pretty much abandoned after Sunrise left the Universal Century continuity behind, but it was revisited in 1996's alternate universe series, After War Gundam X. The term became popular enough that it was adopted as the name of a popular anime news magazine.

Earth vs. space
Because of the evolutionary leaps of Newtypes, spaceborn humans felt themselves superior to Earthlings, and thought it their duty to force Earthlings to evolve as well. This rationalization lay at the core of the motivations for most of the Universal Century Gundam antagonists, especially Char Aznable.

Youth used as pawns, or smart-mouthed kids getting belted a few
It's not hard to accept, within the context of the Gundam series, that its civilian pilots would crack under the pressure of constant fighting and bloodshed. Quiet, soulful Amuro Ray deserted White Base a couple of times and disobeyed orders here and there, only to be rewarded with a hard smack by his commanding officer, Bright Noah. Zeta Gundam's Kamille Bidan was a fiery hothead who mouthed off all the time, only to get decked by, well, pretty much everyone. Even Victory Gundam's Usso Ebbing, despite being a much more cheerful, agreeable sort (as well as the youngest Gundam pilot at 13), caught the back of his commander's hand after rushing ahead and getting into a battle. But what would you expect? They're all kids forced to grow up way too fast, and characters on both sides frequently comment on the injustice of it.



Heated rivalries
Amuro Ray and Char Aznable were professional rivals from the start as ace Newtype pilots on differing sides of the One Year War. But it got personal when a mutual love interest, Char's Newtype protege Lalah Sune, was caught in the middle of their feud. In Gundam 0083: Stardust Memory, Federation pilot Kou Uraki quickly develops a beef with Zeon ace Anavel Gato, after the latter steals a nuclear-armed Gundam, setting off a solar system-wide chase. Kamille Bidan ran afoul of Titan pilot Jerid Messa early on--in fact, it was Jerid who inspired Kamille to oppose the oppressive Titans, out of defiance. The two dealt each other catastrophic losses, killing friends and family. But while Jerid became angrier and more vengeful with each defeat at Kamille's hands, the Anti-Earth Union Group pilot ultimately put aside his hatred, regarding Jerid as just another enemy pilot.

Star-crossed romances
Despite being close to childhood friend Frau Bow and developing a rapport with crewmate Sayla Mass, Amuro's most defining bond was with Char Aznable's protege, Lalah Sune. Unfortunately, her involvement in a violent battle between the two ended tragically, and neither fully got over it. History repeated itself in a fashion, when Kamille Bidan fell for Cyber-Newtype Four Murasame. Unfortunately, her fragile mental state worsened whenever she was in her Psyco-Gundam, and she was forced to battle Kamille. Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket's Bernie Wiseman and Christina McKenzie were quickly infatuated with each other after meeting, but neither knew that the other was an opposing pilot, even when they found themselves in pitched battle.



Masked enemy aces
Char Aznable wore a mask and helmet, adding to the mystique of the Red Comet. Later aces, such as Victory Gundam's Chronicle Asher, and even Gundam Wing's Zechs Merquise followed suit. If only that were the only trait they shared.

...let God sort 'em out
Yoshiyuki Tomino earned two fan nicknames during his career, "The Bald Wizard" and "Kill 'Em All Tomino." Fandom bestowed the latter name upon him after the endings to Zeta Gundam and another anime he had done previously, Space Runaway Ideon. For a long time, most of his series had high casualty rates, owing in large part to his battle with depression. He ultimately won, however, and his later works bear the mark: Turn A Gundam is said to be nowhere near as cynical as his Universal Century work, and his Zeta Gundam movies retconned one of the more tragic plot points of the television series.



These themes and more have helped the Gundam franchise thrive for thirty years, and it has carved a place in my heart and the hearts of other anime fans. It's not hard to see why the lure of thanking the man responsible is so great. Gundam has occupied the vault for a decade now, and I expect it to continue for many more.

A Very Sunny Christmas is Coming!

Ho, ho, heyooo! Christmas is upon us and the Paddy's gang has got the spirit. Well, not really. For them, the holidays have always been a time of trickery, backstabbing, and disappointment. But this year things are going to be different as they are determined to rediscover the joy in Christmas. Join Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Dee and Frank as they embark on a holiday adventure filled with stolen toys, childhood videos, naked elves, and a bloody run in with Santa Claus that is guaranteed to blast Christmas spirit all over you!

The raunchiest and most disturbingly funny show on television is getting it's own direct-to-DVD movie and will be available on both standard DVD and Blu-Ray formats on November 17th.

If you haven't ever experienced this series, don't waste another second and check out the pilot episode below and episodes two, three and four after the jump.

FOG! Saves FUTURAMA!

Well, not save it, per se, but we were the ones to break the initial story regarding the possibility of the voice cast of Futurama being replaced with sound-a-likes.

I am pleased to report via The Hollywood Reporter that actors Katey Sagal, Tress MacNeille and Maurice LaMarche have agreed to resume on the show and that there is a good chance that Billy West (Fry) and John Di Maggio (Bender) will sign contracts soon to return also.

Happy 50th Birthday To Some Very Classic (Cult and Otherwise) Movies

Turner Classics Movie has been featuring a lot lately on Hollywood in 1939--arguably the greatest year ever for quality films in Hollywood.

A 70th year anniversary, though, sounds a little forced--like they didn't possess the patience to wait for 2014 in order to do a proper 75th anniversary of Hollywood's greatest films (Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, The Hunchback of Notre Dame... the list is impressive. Look it up).


Fifty years, to me, sounds like a better, more natural anniversary to celebrate...and 1959 had some very decent films to laud: The 39 Steps, Ben-Hur, The Hound of the Baskervilles, Rio Bravo, Pork Chop Hill, and, of course, Some Like It Hot.

This was also the era of some great B-movie science fiction and horror--the kind of stuff one might see on Saturday afternoons after the cartoons were over, and the sort of movies that enjoy various levels of cult status today.

Here are five movies enjoying their fiftieth birthday. Some age better than others, but all are worthy of celebrating fifty years from now.



First up is the Ib Melchior classic The Angry Red Planet. It's probably best remembered for its attempt at special effects using what was called CineMagic which tried to pass animation (pre-computer!) off as live-action.

The story is set within a frame (making it easier to edit it down for time for TV broadcasts) in which the only two survivors of the first manned mission to Mars returns. As scientists work on treating the survivors, we get the story of the mission's exploration of the Red Planet, complete with giant amoebas, carnivorous plants, and the "rat-bat-spider."

As the planetary explorers are chased off the planet, they receive a warning from a three-eyed alien to never return to Mars.



The use of color was an interesting gamble on Melchior's part. While on board the spaceship, everything is pretty much cast in a blue light which makes the red glow of the ship's porthole all the more menacing. What was a swing-but-a-miss, though, was the red cell shading of everything (the "Cinemagic") outside the ship on the Martian surface. It's an effect that quickly becomes annoying as it's hard to make out some of the details, and seems to serve only to disguise some of the poorer special effects.

Still... for a B-movie afternoon--you could find worse ways to spend your time.

Who could forget the William Castle's The House on Haunted Hill starring the irreplaceable Vincent Price?

Forget the remakes. Nothing beats the original as Price, playing eccentric millionaire Frederick Loren, invites five guests (delivered in a hearse!) to a special party in honor of his fourth wife. Every guest who survives the night in his mansion (after the doors are locked and the lights cut) receives a wopping $10,000. T

here's some pretty clever stuff going on here as hysteria slowly consumes the guests and panic sets in. Vincent Price is pulling on more strings than just a skelleton on a pulley. The film is particularly notable because of producer-director William Castle's use of gimmicks when promoting his films. In this case, the gimmick was the magic of "Emergo" in which a skeleton on a series of pulleys and lines flew over audiences' heads at a crucial plot point.

While the effect is lost on home viewing, the movie itself is well worth a watch.


What's the most famous B-movie disaster in history?

The most ridiculed and beloved movie of all time?

If your answer is anything other than Plan 9 From Outer Space, then back to the kiddie matinees for you.

This ultra-low-budget movie has inspired more articles and books than I can conveniently count, and anything I say here is not going to do the movie justice.

Whether or not you can enjoy a movie for its badness, it's still a significant film if for no other reason than its cult popularity.

Bad acting.

Laughable special effects.

Bizarre script that seems to have no concept of how terrible it is.

All played very straight.

The plot? Aliens invade Earth by animating the recently dead into walking corpses. It was Bela Lugosi's last film. He died during production and was replaced by another man taller than Lugosi who spent his screen time covering his face with a cape. Unconvincingly. It was also the film debut of Tor Johnson.

You will love it or hate it, but everyong should watch it at least once.


Speaking of low-budget... remember the dogs dressed in animal skins in The Killer Shrews?

This was a popular movie on the Saturday afternoon circuit.

While delivering supplies to a scientist living on a remote island, things go awry as the research to reduce world hunger by reducing the size of people has the unexpected side effect of producing giant, poisonous shrews which then terrorize everyone on the island. As B-movies go, this one wasn't terrible if you could get past the cheap effects (seeing a theme here?) with the shrews themselves. There was some honest-to-goodness suspense at work. The Killer Shrews is also an early example of what would eventually become the "survival horror" genre.

Put this back to back with Attack of the Mushroom People (1963), you've got a fun afternoon of island horror.


Last, but far from least, is one of the few SFnal movies of the year 1959 that actually had pretty decent effects--and a decent budget. Journey To the Center of the Earth starring the incomparable James Mason and a very young Pat Boone (based on the ever-popular Jules Verne novel) has some pretty clever moments of action, adventure, humor, and sensuwunda.

Following a 300 year -old trail, Mason and Boone (along with others including Gertrude the duck) delve into the bowels of the Earth to discover dinosaurs, strange landscapes, giant mushrooms, a subterranean ocean, and the remains of Atlantis. It's a fun movie with some great cinematography.

I think of all the movies I've discussed, this one is probably the one I'd recommend the most (followed closely by Haunted Hill).


1959 produced some fun movies that eventually turned into cult classics.

For the most part, the special effects were primitive--even by 1959 standards--but they were often just the victims of low budgets and technological limitations. That some special effects were even tried in the first place is probably something to be applauded.


For information on how to get your book, comic, movie, whatever reviewed on Falling Off the Shelf, or to send hate mail, feel free to contact me at john (at) johnteehan (dot) com.

Friday Video-A-Go-Go!

CAPTAIN BLOOD in Space!

Michael and Peter Spierig will direct John Brownlow's screenplay to the remake of the 1935 film, Captain Blood. The original film featured Errol Flynn as an innocently imprisoned doctor who escapes to the Caribbean and becomes a pirate.

According to Variety, the new film sets the film in space.

The brothers previously wrote and directed Undead and the upcoming vampire film
Daybreakers.

According to the article, the overall plot will remain unchanged.

Ridley Scott to Direct ALIEN Prequel

I certainly wasn't expecting this one.

According to Variety, director Ridley Scott is returning to the Alien franchise to direct the prequel film to his 1979 classic.


Jon Spaihts will write the prequel for Twentieth Century Fox based on his pitch.

Thoughts?

JULIE & JULIA (REVIEW)

Writer/director Nora Ephron is not an auteur, but I do think she falls close to being a genre. In Julie & Julia, based on the infamous blog/book, Julie (Amy Adams) decides to spend a year of her life cooking every recipe in Julia Child's classic cook book. The film also shows the parallel life of gourmand Julia Child (Meryl Streep), who while living in France with her husband, enrolls in course work at Le Cordon Bleu. With this simple premise begins a 122-minute film of self-indulgence with a cartoonish performance from Streep and a narcissistic and shallow character study from Adams.

COCA-COLA Wants to Put 100 Flavors on Tap

As a kid, one of my favorite things was at a birthday party having the ability to mix and match sodas into a concoction usually referred to as "Swamp Water".

Obviously someone realized how innovative I was three decades ago.





Fast Company is reporting on Coca-Cola's latest innovation, a soda "fountain of the future" which will offer more than 100 flavor options. Among the planned choices are soda, flavored water, energy drinks and more including both carbonated and uncarbonated varieties and other choices not currently available in the U.S.

The machines are currently being tested in three locations with more testing soon.

DRAKE - THE BEST I EVER HAD...WTF

As I've previously said about rapper/singer/actor (triple threat?) Drake, I'm not a huge fan. I'm not convinced that he's anything more than an R&B singer who raps as opposed to a rapper who raps. (Think about it. Let that sink in. I'll continue.)

His lead single off his So Far Gone mixtape is "Best I Ever Had." Despite being on a mixtape and not a proper album, "Best I Ever Had" has garnered a lot of buzz. (People are still saying "buzz." I feel dumb writing that. But it's true.)


It's one of those cutesy songs with a little too much sexual content that teenaged boys can sing to their girlfriends, and teenaged girls can pretend Drake is singing to them. Just one of those "ooh, I love you so much and when I get you I may do some things to you that you probably won't tell your mom about." The song has so much buzz (there it is again) that Kanye West directed the video.

Yes, that Kanye West.




The video starts off with Drake coaching a team of...ahem...buxom basketball players. I don't think I've ever seen a female basketball player not wear a sports bra. Apparently in Drake's homeland of Canada, sports bras are not necessary for lady hoopsters. What this has to do with a cutesy love song, I don't know.

Now, I don't know if this is a marketing ploy for Drake to seem like a regular dude to male listeners who dismissed him as crooning pretty boy. A video where he's coaching a basketball team of D-cup models with loads of slo-mo locker room shots and slower-mo basketball scenes? Obviously, this was not meant for his target demographic...the ladies.

But if this wasn't bad enough, there's a bit of dialogue during the "championship game" against a team of women who actually appear to be closer to a real basketball team. Strange enough, Drake's team is losing because he was watching them stretch instead of teaching them fundamentals. During a timeout, he advises them on "taking the D." Really? A juvenile dick joke? Really, Drake? Really? Personally, I don't care but this whole busty hoops team thing can't be sitting well with the ladies. Trust me. I know a thing or two about a thing or two (no...seriously, I do.) Alienating your demographic is probably not the best career move, not that this will derail your career since everyone has the attention span of a gnat.

Drake (or anyone): next time you use a basketball theme for a video, go with Teen Wolf. Everybody loves Teen Wolf, and their team was made up of unathletic, pasty dudes...except for...you know...the Wolf.

Watch at your own discretion.

CONTEST! Get MINDFREAKED!!! WIN A CRISS ANGEL PRIZE PACKAGE!!!

In his most daring season of “Criss Angel Mindfreak” to date, Criss Angel ups the ante by attempting five of the most dangerous demonstrations in magic. Each week he will attempt to defy the natural laws of science in new and innovative ways and will be challenged with a way to live… or a way to die. Each one-hour episode will feature a variety of different illusions and culminate in one grand, never-before-seen demonstration that will blow viewers minds.

The season premiere will be “White Death,” on Wednesday, August 12 at 10 PM ET/PT and the five episodes include:

“White Death” – Criss takes the “Buried Alive” escape to an unprecedented level as he is shackled and placed in a transparent coffin that is buried in ice and snow. Will he escape or succumb to hypothermia, suffocation or the risk of the ground collapsing on top of him?

“Death Field” - Criss is challenged to safely traverse a field of live explosives in less than five minutes where the risk for serious injury, if not death, is extremely high.

“Terminal Velocity” - Criss attempts to teleport himself twice, first he drops an object from more than 250 feet above the Las Vegas strip and reach the bottom in time to catch it in one continuous camera shot. And in front of hundreds of spectators he attempts to vanish in mid-air and reappear in an impossible location.

“Death Crash” – In his most death-defying illusion to date, Criss will hide in one of five coffins and the spectators, unaware of which coffin he has chosen, will send a merciless driver to smash the coffins into splinters.

“Mass Levitation” – Criss takes levitation to new heights by levitating an entire Las Vegas crowd whose safety he is responsible for. This demonstration requires intense concentration, should he fail some will fall and face certain injury.

To celebrate season five of Criss Angel Mindfreak, you can enter to win a Criss Angel prize pack! The lucky winners will receive Criss Angel: The Most Dangerous Escapes DVD, Criss Angel Mindfreak: The Complete Season 4 DVD and an A&E t-shirt.

To enter, please send an email with the subject heading "MINDFREAK" to editor @ forcesofgeek dot com and answer the following question:

If you were a magician, what would your signature trick be?

Please include your name and address (U.S. only) and remember that only one entry per person, and a winner will be chosen at random.

Contest ends at midnight EST on September 6, 2009.

CLOONEY is THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX!

Looks pretty interesting.

Thoughts?

The Coen Brothers Latest! A SERIOUS MAN Trailer

Charlyne Yi and Channing Tatum Cinemash DIRTY DANCING

You mean I'm on Youtube?

Yes, true believers. My friend Tommy and I myself have started up a film production company. Well, I'm not sure if it's actually a company yet. It's just us two and our friend Steve and any other friends who want to help out with any film we're doing at that moment.

I know I tend to write about films or do funny top 10 lists but this time I decided to try my hand at the thing I love most. And that's the art of film making. We have tons more ideas, but this is the first one to come to fruition.

So yes, this is a shameless plug but one that would mean the world to me if you viewed it. It's a new series we're doing called It's Amazing I Get Laid. It features me in the first video just speaking about or to my various toys and movies. It started out charming but the way I was making stuff up as we went along, it went a little dark.

It isn't the best of quality but for some reason Youtube diminished the video big time. All I know is that I really want to share it with the Forces of Geek readers. If you have anything harsh to say, well, make it constructive. If you love it, let me know what you did like and I'll be sure to keep making with the funny.

And now, Zombie Vs. Shark and Destroy All Cinema presents Chapter One.

22 to 205 in Three Buttons.

Today's my writing day. I'm writing pitches and also working on my own book.

So I'm working on a page of True Story, Swear to God today.... and I wanted one of those moments pretty much everyone in a relationship goes through. So I'm going over things that happened over the past week and tried to find something I've dealt with since day one with my wife. Nothing weird or creepy... just something that's never changed.


In my case, my wife would have about a hundred things to say about me in an instant.

The bad eating habits.

My short temper.

How much I hate barking dogs.

How it took me years to understand how to get from San Juan to Guaynabo.

Those months I spent ordering "pollo" parmesan, or "chicken" parmesan... as "bollo" parmesan which roughly translates to "vagina" parmesan.

I'd also asked the waitress if it was boneless, which even added to my stupidity.



So, that said... the things that me difficult to live with are endless.

I tried thinking of our last odd moment.

The weird thing about being with a cartoonist is whenever you're in the middle of a good argument or awkward moment, one side of the cartoonist is experiencing the moment... while the other side is drawing the scene in their head. You can literally see a cartoonist take note of their surrounding and body language.

That's just how we're wired.

We live... and we put it all down on paper.


And it's not a male-female thing... it's not a gay-straight relationship thing. Each side brings that something to the table that would make their partner realllly think about being in a relationship with them. Like there's a big "VOID" button right there on the table. Nothing huge. Nothing like "Oh... FYI... I need to drink a little bit of your blood for me to really climax."

No. I mean, everyday, simple things.

For instance, I once did a page where I talked about how Lily, while labeling herself a vegetarian, also eats chicken and fish. And my response is always, "What the fuck did chicken and fish ever do to you... for you to keep them on your menu?" I mean, Lily will STILL eat chicken or fish when we go out.

And you gotta see her eat a whole fried snapper.

She's not a guilty carnivore. Noooo.... She'll tell you about how being a vegetarian has calmed her down and brought her a new sense of inner peace as she's pulling out all the meat in the snapper's head. Because, according to Lily, "that's where all the good meat is."

So, it's stuff like that, where the two characters CLEARLY don't see eye to eye on something.

And instead of blowing things up with lots of frantic arm-waving and yelling and sweat drops pinging out of my head, I sometimes prefer to really focus on the completely silent moment between the two people in question... because it's a wildly awkward moment in that brief instance.. where your partner is trying to understand you. And, while you can see those wheels turning in their head as they try, God bless 'em, to rationalize what you've said or done.

Take, for instance, the remote control.



Look, I know people have joked about this forever. I know it comes to no surprise that I'm going to say that I work the remote in our house. Yeah, it's a stereotype and whatever. I use it. Whatever. It's not like I marched into the house, picked up the remote and claimed it for all men in all countries.

No.

But I'm the remote guy. And.... let me say this first. I'm not some amateur "how do you get rid of this picture-in-picture" remote control user. No. And, for the record, if you can look at me and THAT'S the type of remote control user you see me as, well..... yeah... go fuck yourself.

The fact is, I'm like Kevin Costner's as Jake in Silverado. I'm a fast draw and if you want to see who's on Attack of the Show or Rescue Me... I'll find that channel bing-bang-POW.

My wife, however, as much as I love her and... really.... after all these books and channeling her spirit for Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man: Web of Romance... you all pretty much know I dig my wife. It's a GIVEN at this point.

But any of you hand the remote to my wife, for whatever reason, I will personally shiv you in the bathroom.

Think I'm kidding..?

Because the moment, nay... INSTANT the plastic of that remote makes contact with the skin of my wife's hand, the transformation begins. The transformation of my wife, life-coach, public speaker and radio/tv personality into some heap of retarded primate missing-link shell of a person.

You can literally see the confidence and intelligence leave her body as she wraps her fingers around it and stares at it like those monkeys stared at that bone in 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's sort of like those old Wolfman movies where you can see the guy transform wolfman-to-human... only backwards.

She knows there's a number pad on the remote.

It's right there. 1-9 with a nice fancy 0, all clearly marked. But if she wants to go from NBC, which is channel 21 where we live.... to, say, CNN, which is channel 31 here... she will forgo all those numbered buttons and, instead, go from channel to channel until she gets to CNN.

Now before you roll your eyes, let's experience this, including what she always says along the way:

Channel 22: "Oh, is this CSI..? Why do only hot women get murdered in Miami..?"

Channel 23: "Look how the hairdos on the women are all retro on this novella."

Channel 24: nothing

Channel 25: "FRASIER!! I love the doggie..."

Channel 26: "What is CW..?"

Channel 27: "Do you want to watch The Closer..? Okay, let me check the news real quick. Just a second..."

Channel 28: "That woman is on this show ALL the time. Does she ever go home..?"

Channel 29: nothing.

Channel 30: (soooo close... can almost... taste it) nothing.

Channel 31: "I love Anderson Cooper." No... I mean it. She TOTALLY. LOVES. ANDERSON. COOPER.

So then she says "Okay" and starts making her way back down to 27.

Missed the opening.

Whatever.

She got to use the remote and, realistically, that buys me another, what...? Two? Three weeks of ruling the remote.. right? Yeah. Good move. Just hang in there a bit and life will be back to normal.

That's when the picture freezes. She hit the DVR "play" button so the image is frozen. Then she says "oh-oh" and, my fears are realized when she does what she always does with a remote.... she starts mashing buttons. At this point she's literally aiming the device and hitting buttons, thinking she's now Harry Potter casting a "Televisionous Fixituth" spell or something and we're now on INPUT 3 on the actual flatscreen. Half the speakers aren't working at this point and I can swear I can the oven come on in the kitchen.

So at THIS point, I'm allowed to touch the remote without receiving one of those "you never let me use the remote" guilty looks she's mastered over the years. Now it's one of those "yeah, I'll never figure this out" looks of shame, which is always much cuter than the other look.

As I do what has to be done to get the television back to normal, she'll tell me about how it was the remote's fault. Everything was fine until she stopped changing channels, like it likes to do.

And here's the thing... if I'm bragging about something as lame as knowing how to use a remote... it's a pretty good guess that I'm, overall, an idiot at best. That woman is pretty much my superior in the areas that really count. It's just that when it comes to things like this... it's fun to sort of float in the joy of doing something better than your partner.

And it's not like we can get all dressed up and go to a fancy party and my wife will say to the hosts, "You have to see what my husband can do... do you have a remote?" It's a completely underwhelming talent. She won't brag to anyone about how I'm able to go from channel 22 to channel 205 by hitting just three buttons. It's just not on the list of things to be thrilled about. I might as well have her say it while I'm wearing a helmet.

That's what I like to do in my comics.

Show what the little things are we get excited about, or pissed about in our lives.

Big moments are sometimes what alienates everybody. I met my wife at a bus stop in Disneyworld, how many people can relate to that..?

It's good for one issue... but you really have to grab a hold of the smaller moments to really bring someone in.

Something like the remote, for us, is an event that hasn't changed in 11 years with her.

But, at the same time... c'mon... 22 to 205 in three buttons, mofo.

Neverland

Michael Jackson is still in the news here in Los Angeles.

People are still talking about it and his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is still attracting crowds.

Everyone seems to have something a little different to say about it, but no one seems to be able to quantify what the experience of Michael Jackson’s life meant to all of us.




I have been thinking about it a lot because he lived such a huge life; so many high peaks and deep valleys. He was an extreme person and such a force. I couldn’t begin to try to sum him up because he defies all explanation.

It requires symbols and mythology to even begin to point in the right direction. It is like describing the moon to a blind person.

Maybe metaphors and poetry are the only language that can come close.

Never Never Land is to Michael Jackson what an imaginary friend is to a child: A thing that mirrors you as you truly feel yourself to be. But it is more than that too; a refuge, pure love, a sense of belonging and a freedom to play without judgment.

We all have primal longings for our own Neverland.



Our place where time is just going to hold on for five more minutes and let us play without consequence. Where we get to be our own bosses and we can play pretend and everyone will play right back with us. A place and time that allows us to be in the ocean one minute and in the clouds the next. And mermaids will be there along with pirates, all acting according to the rules we create. We get to slay the dragons and we get all the fairy dust and we get to win and yes, in the end, we get to save the day.

Joseph Campbell referred to this mythology as the hero’s adventure.

I just call it Los Angeles.

I visited Neverland Ranch in the summer of 2003.


Joe Jackson was throwing a bash and sent invites out to publicists all over LA to give to their clients. Joe had decided to get back into music management and wanted to debut his new acts to the entertainment community at large by inviting everyone up to Michael’s house. It was about an hour and a half drive that I made with a couple of friends. We were curious and as children of the 80’s, we were compelled to participate in this gathering and see what kind of hilarity ensued.

It seemed like a thousand people were there, but because so many of them were recognizable faces from music, TV and film it also felt oddly intimate. Imagine being at Disneyland with all of your Facebook friends and the casts of your favorite films and TV shows. As if that isn’t bizarre enough, now imagine there are also zoo animals and music playing from bands that you grew up listening to. But instead of hearing them play the music, you are listening to it with them while you are crashing bumper cars into them.

Sound like a dream? It feels like trying to describe the moon to a blind person.

You know how as a kid you would pick what game of pretend you were going to play that day after school with your friends?

Sometimes it was grocery store or bank or school or talent show or hide and seek. And there was always the kid that naturally took the lead and got to be the one in charge because they were playing the good parts. And everyone else had to play that day’s game by their rules. Well, Michael Jackson was like that at Neverland. It was his game and we were all just playing along.

Michael decided to play from a distance.

No one knew if he was even there that day; he never came out. We all rode the Ferris Wheel and the train and took turns on the bumper cars and fed the giraffes leaves, but he just watched from some undisclosed place. We were playing in his world; his fantasy.


I went into the movie theatre to watch a film and the people behind the counter gave us popcorn and let us pick out whatever candy we wanted and it was all free. It was just like how I played grocery store as a kid. As I sat in the movie with my treats and the lights dimmed, I turned around and at the back of the theatre was a glass wall. And behind the glass wall was a king sized bed with pillows and blankets. He could watch his movies in bed, but in a real theatre.

I didn’t see his chimp Bubbles, but I did see Janet and her then boyfriend Jermaine Dupri riding on a golf cart through this wonderland. And when I snuck up to the window of the house, while giggling with my friends, I did see Michael and LaToya sitting at a long table eating lunch with a butler poised nearby.

When they spotted us, we ran away like a bunch of little kids caught with our hands in the cookie jar. I went inside a playhouse (the size of my then Hollywood apartment) that had the name Blanket written in big letters over the door.

My friends lit a joint.

We listened on the lawn to Joe’s new acts and they were all terrible.


I think we hoped that we were about to witness the next Jackson Five, but instead they were these young boy and girl bands that were completely unoriginal and reeked of a time and genre that had passed. We were ready to go home. It was a long day and it had been hot and over stimulating and there was still a drive ahead of us. I could almost hear my mom calling me in to dinner.

On the drive back to LA, I wondered if all those allegations and accusations about him were true.


I thought about that time he did the Super Bowl half-time show where he seemed to disappear and then reappear across the stadium out of thin air. I remembered being a child and lying to a passenger sitting next to me on an airplane by saying I had a monkey at home like Michael Jackson’s. I thought about how white his skin looked now and if it was true that he had developed a disease. I remembered what it felt like doing the moonwalk across a kitchen floor in my pajamas that had feet and zipped up. I thought about the high school production of A Chorus Line I did and how the choreographer was always saying he worked on Michael’s videos and knew the Jackson family.

I thought about the Thriller video and how Michael appeared out of all that fog and smoke with such an intense focus and force, but also like at any moment he might turn out to be one of those monsters he was dancing so closely beside.

I thought about my own Hollywood Neverland where time was spent chasing my dreams and now getting paid to play pretend even though that never seemed to make it feel anymore real.

I thought about how now I was re-finding my childhood heroes in their yards and being invited over to play. For a little while at least, I decided I was okay with letting them pick the games; but soon, tomorrow even, maybe I would get to be the teacher. I reminded myself that time doesn’t actually stand still in LA even though the seasons don’t change and the people never seem to age or really grow up for that matter. I wondered how much more than just belief, a little fairy dust and a willingness to fly it takes to maintain and enjoy your own Neverland.

I wondered how much harder it gets to keep the pirates out and the mermaids singing.

I am still wondering that.

I guess I’ll figure that one out as I grow up.

Television in Berlin RANT - Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

Ich vermisse NYC und bin bereit, nach Hause zu kommen. Ich habe ein wenig mehr als einer Woche zu GEHEN Sie!

And the main reason for that is because of me being stuck in the German suburbs while staying with my fabulous host, Stan.

Stan doesn't have cable.

I can only see TWO ENGLISH SPEAKING NETWORKS - CNN America/Europe and BBC World News.


AAAGH!

A friend of mine teased me before I came here - "Crystal, How are you gonna survive? No Kathy Griffin? No Saturday Night Live? No SEINFELD? You're gonna lose it after the first 48 hours."

You're a television GEEK, remember?

I didn't give it much thought because I was focused on seeing amazing sights, going out to clubs, and drinking beer. How will I have time for television? I'm on vacation and should be doing different and fun things!

Well, once I realized that Stan's translation of what "living in the city" meant I knew I was in for it. The second or third night after he went to bed at 10:00 I began watching t.v. because I was bored. Hey, at least he's got a huge, high definition television...which makes no sense when you don't have cable to get high def stations. Sheesh!



There are a handful of channels without cable, 29 I think (shit, 29 is a handful? How spoiled am I?) And most of them show the regular stuff during the day (dramas, soaps, comedies) but at night it's something else. Oh, but they've got their own version of the Home Shopping Network here...ahhhh, just like home but with uglier clothing and jewelry!


I would think that watching t.v. at night is important since EVERYTHING EXCEPT RESTAURANTS CLOSE AT 8:00, so the shows should be good, right? It goes a little something like this:

1 - Local stations show ONLY German shows. The color palette is very drab - filled with grey, black, brown, khaki green, and dingy off-white. Stan tells me the main/only reason he loves watching shows from America are for the colors we use, art direction, and use of light. He doesn't care what the show is (he usually turns the volume off) he just cares that some guy wore a purple tie, or some woman had on a bright red dress.

2 - All of the German shows seem to be shot on video tape that is 25 years old, or everything is smeared with grease. It's kind of hard to tell when these shows were made, last year or 1985. And no, you can't tell by the clothing/fashion either. That is for a future RANT that I'm building evidence for so hold tight.

3 - The American shows are all dubbed in German by the SAME THREE VOICE OVER ARTISTS. One woman and two men who also do women's voices...very badly. The only things I saw in English with German subtitles were Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Rock of Love 2 (with all of the curse words left in), The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and a documentary on George Michael.

I guess Gay and tacky don't translate very well.

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror

4 - They show A LOT of OLD and WEIRD movies here. So far I've seen every Clint Eastwood Western, Serpico, and some crazy movie with Don Johnson, Melanie Griffith, and Elija Wood and Thora Birch when they were like 9 or 10. Serpico? And the print was horrible. Like it was dubbed from a Betamax.

5 - There is a LOT of porn and dirty stuff at night. It is strange. Here is why:

1 - The Game Show with a topless or naked hostess!
I've seen a woman who I'm guessing is a big porn star over here. She's got bad tattoos that you can't miss, platinum blonde hair, and those crazy looking "screw on boobs" that practically poke your eyes out through the screen. She's ALWAYS naked.

Our hostess on the left is in a bra and a thong.


It seems to be some kind of word scramble or something where people call in and guess the answers, and then win cash. There is another version hosted by a man, but he's fully clothed. No fair!

2 - CAR WASH. This is a show in which women wash cars, airplanes, jeeps, and motorcycles while fully clothed or in a bikini and then strip down to nothing while washing the vehicle. The music is horrible, the girls are not sexy AT ALL, and the production values are non existant. The only good thing about it is that they use "normal" women, meaning not porn stars or over-surgified chicks of any kind. I think I saw one of these girls on the train the other day. Nice!

3 - FULL ON PORN!


Oh sure, there are the commercials for their version of "1-900" numbers. Hey, you can get stuff send to your cell phone! You can get dirty Anime sent to your cell phone!

Wait a minute, is that a commercial with a naked 65 year old woman?

I'm going to bed now.

HEROES Season Four Trailer!

Remember when Heroes was the best show on television?

It truly amazes me how mediocre it has become, with storylines tripping over themselves and a mythology that has become self-serving and a bit of a parody of what it once was.

Nevertheless, the fourth season is coming and hopefully it's title will be Redemption.

FIRST LOOK: SMALLVILLE'S Superman Costume!

Apparently a Red-Blue Blur equates purple.

Not sure how legit this is. Looks a bit photoshopy.

Thoughts?

Via

PLANET HULK Trailer!!! It's Gladiator Gone Green!!!

WATCH - The ORIGINAL GHOSTBUSTERS From 1954 With Hope, Dean and Fred MacMurray!

CONTEST! We're Giving Away 5 Copies of G.I. JOE: MISSION DOSSIER!!!

Directed by Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) and starring Dennis Quaid, Christopher Eccleston (Heroes) and Sienna Miller (Stardust), G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra explodes into cinemas in August 2009.

In this globe-spanning action adventure, an elite international unit of special operatives known as GI Joe, operating out of The Pit and led by General Hawk (Quaid), take on an evil organization led by the notorious arms dealer Destro (Ecclestone).

This full color companion to the film contains intel on all the GI Joe team members and their enemies, as well as details on the amazing locations, the slick cutting-edge technology and vehicles, and the fantastic stunts and special effects.

The fine folks at Titan Books are providing 5 copies of this book to give away to my own task force, the Readers of F.O.G!

To enter, please send an email with the subject header "GI JOE" to editor @ forcesofgeek dot com and answer the following question:

Now that the Transformers and G.I. Joe have both made it to the screen, what's the next toy/game that should be turned into a film and who should star in it?

Please include your name and address (Like the soldiers of G.I. Joe, this contest is open to readers across the globe!).

Only one entry per person and a winner will be chosen at random.

Contest ends at midnight EST on August 30, 2009.

San Diego Comic-Con 2009 Wrap-Up

I've been to nine of the last eleven comic-cons hosted annually in San Diego and they are the biggest multi-media conventions in the world. The two years I didn't go I felt actual pain from not being there.

Last year I watched the G4 coverage obsessively, like a junkie detoxing from a morphine addiction, looking for anything to ease withdrawal. This year I suffered no ill effects, as I was able to attend despite of (or perhaps due to) these tough economic times.




For a professional comic book writer, Comic-Con is most important when you've actually produced something worthwhile to sit behind and sell on behalf of the company that sponsored you. This year the third anthology of Strange Eggs, which I created and contributed two stories to made its world premiere. With this issue I was able to work with my good friend, artist David Ray, and I was able to work with the talented first timer Tara Billinger, a name I can guarantee you will be hearing a lot more in the future.

Strange Eggs: Jumps the Shark
cover by Tara Billinger

For one and a half hours each day I sat at the SLG Graphics booth and signed copies of my book with Tara and co-creator Chris Reilly. Though I don't have an exact figure on sales, there were very few copies of the book unsold when we left on Sunday. Over all, a very successful outing, and let me here express my public thanks to Dan, Jen, Joe and all the rest of the SLG staff for their kind attention to and promotion of my work.

The second thing I had hoped to do at Comic-Con was to provide live, timely reports and observations from the event for Forces of Geek. A big deal was made of the fact that Google was providing free WiFi for the event. The WiFi turned out to be free, but spotty. It was possible to get WiFi in the conference rooms, but many areas, including the main floor, had no reception. A second problem in reporting from the Comic-Con is that the lines for this thing are frankly incredible. For the James Cameron Avatar presentation the line started to build the night before. Many waited eight hours in the hot sun and didn't get in.

Major announcements at Comic-Con are not secrets. Each night I would fire up my laptop and catch all the news I missed out on because I was dumb enough to actually be there. Sitting at home, you are better informed about Comic-Con than any of the attendees, but sitting at home is not what Comic-Con's about. Watching the event on television always gives the impression that there are thousands of geeks running around dressed like Wonder Woman when in actuality most people dress the way any normal, self-respecting geek would normally dress, that is in sneakers, shorts and a garish tee shirt. That said, there were some amazing costumes.

Average, everyday convention go-er.

For one week a year, San Diego is mobbed with over one hundred thousand people who are as absolutely passionate about comics, movies videogames or any other branch of Geek Culture as you are. You can immerse yourself (as I did) in a presentation by Trina Robbins on The Brinkley Girls, an amazing comic and cultural phenomenon by one of the greatest and most influential female illustrators in the history of comics. Trina is a great speaker, but her control of the powerpoint presentation left much to be desired.

With over 100,000 attendees, Trina managed to capture only twenty-five for her audience.

Another highlight was the Monster Mash panel, which featured a group of novelists who have all written works that feature monsters that are not vampires. My good friend Walter Greatshell was on this panel, talking about his novel Xombies: Apocalypse Blues the first in a four book deal with Penguin. Walter sat alongside actress Amber Benson, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who has also written a novel or three. Walter is a natural raconteur, and a great guy to hang out in San Diego with.

Amazing photo of Walter Greatshell and Amber Benson.
This proves it!

For me a trip highlight is Jerry Becks' Worst Cartoons Ever! panel, in which the audience is subjected to the likes of Super President and Johnny Cypher in Dimension Zero. Jerry's website, Cartoon Brew, is must reading for anyone interested in animation history. With the title Worst Cartoons Ever! you might think he set the bar too high, but the dreck Jerry manages to spill on the screen never fails to disappoint. Awful! But never boring.

Eleven years ago I was there when Ric Meyers launched his first Kung Fu Extravaganza, featuring clips and bits from awesome Kung Fu movies old and new. Two hours of non stop kung fu battles devoid of plot but featuring some of the greatest talents in kung fu cinema history might sound like too much of a good thing, but I can't get enough. When I'm at the con I never miss it. Ric is certainly knowledgeable, but he can be irritating and more than a little disingenuous. This year he is sponsored by the wonderful Magnet Films, who will shortly be bringing official releases of such films as Ip Man and Ong Bak 2 to DVD. As a result he is careful to tell the audience that they should run out and purchase theses "legal" DVDs. True, these films have been extensively bootlegged, but many fans purchase completely legal overseas releases of these films. These films are not "illegal" they are simply licensed for distribution in other markets. There is no law stating they cannot be resold in the United States.

Is Comic-Con too big?

Or is San Diego too small to hold it?

These are questions you ask yourself when you realize that people now go to Comic-Con with the intention of standing in line. If you camp out over night outside Hall H you might get inside and see Cameron talk about Avatar, or see the unreleased clips from Iron Man II, or hear Peter Jackson dish on The Hobbit. Standing line has become a project, something to plan for. Bring water and sunscreen and lunch and something to read and whatever you do, don't step out of line to pee. Only the hardest of the hardcore could survive. On the other hand, is there a space that can seat 100,000 fans? And if it's found, will 200,000 people now arrive?

In 2007 the con sold out for the first time ever. This year the show sold out months in advance. Next year might already be sold out. I used to room at the Hyatt for about $200 a night (split three or four ways.) Now I room at a hotel over four miles away and trolley in and out of downtown (taking a half hour for each trip) for about the same cost. Some people might consider eschewing hotel rooms altogether. It almost never rains, the nights are always warm, and they're spent outside Hall H waiting for James Cameron or that kid from Twilight anyway. Nearby hotels are booked months (if not years) in advance by big videogame and movie companies.

Comic-Con is a misnomer.

Remember Trina Robbins' 25 attendees?

Who cares about comics?

It's all movies and videogames these days.

IN DEFENSE OFHouse on Haunted Hill

When television threatened to keep audiences from going to the movies, Hollywood brought unique spectacles tailor made for the big-screen with Cinerama and 3-D. But one of my all time favorite filmmakers, William Castle, took it one step further and created separate gimmicks for each of his movies. Arguably his best was EMERGO, which scared the pants off of audiences fifty years ago in The House on Haunted Hill.




Forget the highbrow Shirley Jackson based The Haunting or the slick studio classic The Uninvited. It's the original House on Haunted Hill that's guaranteed to give anyone who's never truly seen it in a theater a good scare. I can remember renting it first on VHS in the mid-80s thinking it was another B-horror, and rewinding the tape to sit through it again immediately. Later getting a rare chance to see it presented in EMERGO (basically a plastic skeleton flies over the audience at a key point in the movie), sealed it's fate as a classic in my book.

Best watched with the lights off, this is a movie that takes control over every dark-spooky-house cliché, with a lot of campy humor, a few spine tingling scares and a masterfully hammy performance from the master, Vincent Price. The Ten Little Indians ripped plot-line is a lot less interesting, not to mention less important, than the atmosphere. Shot on a relatively low budget (paying off big-time at the box-office), the house used as an exterior shot is Frank Lloyd Wright's already spooky Ennis Brown House in Los Angeles. I'd say the image of five hearses slowly pulling up to the supposed locale sets the mood, but it's beat to the punch by blood-curdling screams and moans on the soundtrack.

Sadly, this is a movie that's fallen into the public domain and the quality of available versions is varied (you can even view it online after this entry), but several DVD companies have claimed to have restored the classic so take your pick. I recommend a double bill with The Ghost and Mr. Chicken starring Don Knotts, when the lights come back on.

Ten years ago, Dark Castle Entertainment modernized House on Haunted Hill with a much more violent gore-fest staring Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Ali Larter and Jeffrey Combs. I actually don't mind this revamp. It's way better than Dark Castle's next (and last) remake of a William Castle film, Thir13en Ghosts.

Like the original, there's much attention to atmosphere. Unlike the original, there's a strange subplot that's lifted from the early 70s horror flick Don't Look in the Basement. One yearns for a little EMERGO to save the remake in parts. Also a success at the box-office, the 1999 remake would go on to inspire countless over-stylized horror romps much less coherent (Darkness Falls anyone?). It's worth checking out, but don't get it confused with its abysmal direct-to-video sequel from a few years ago.

In the meantime, care to step inside the original?