CHAINO / KAVA KON: Tiki Exotica Music's Zombie Bamboos in the Zero Gravity Lounge

Welcome back to the second installment of The Mystery Box's Luau Hut: My take on all things from the world of Tiki.

This week I take a look at two new album releases that are both currently residing here under the thatched roof in Tiki-ville HQ.

These albums share similar qualities of what makes Tiki so much fun—a dreamlike fantasy and make believe musical playground world that really doesn't and never really did exist—just like the best Tiki anything.


These albums are similar enough so that they both sit side by side nicely as companion listening, yet, at the same time these recordings couldn't be more dissimilar—each arriving from different places within Tiki music's history.



The first album is a reissue of a 1957 release from a mysterious Tiki Exotica performer of the past named Chaino. The other album is the second release from a modern primitive Detroit duo that call themseleves Kava Kon.

Kirby Allan presents CHAINO: Eye Of The Spectre (Dionysus 2009)


Leon Johnson was born in Philadelphia, PA in 1927, grew up in Chicago and at some point decided to become a decidedly original wildman of the bongos using the inimitable name of Chaino. He later met up with famed Hollywood music producer Kirby Allan, who, after traveling in Africa, had become a big fan of the drumming and styles he heard while there. Attempting to reproduce these sounds for an American audience, he and Chaino, unleashed their vision of Afro-exotic mayhem onto the listening public by managing to get four albums released on four different record labels almost simultaneously while even a fifth album came out few months later sharing the same record label as Lawrence Welk.

Eye Of The Spectre, recorded at the reknown Gold Star Recording Studio, was originally called Night Of The Spectre and later reissued and retitled Jungle Mating Rhythms with different cover art. Now fully restored to its original crazyman erotica cover (remember that this cover came out in the conservative fifties) the record is steeped in a mesmerizing strangeness of loose abandon and demented jungle swinging. Chaino is at once comical with his various grunts, screams and moans and thoroughly compelling in his masterful percussive performances.

From the first eerie whistle w/bongo accompaniment on the first track, oddly enough entitled "Bongos Whistling" you know you are going on a different sort of musical ride. Sordidly sexy affairs as "Sumac" and "Don't Do it To Me" continue this feast often with Chaino's signature bongo playing and eclectic array of percussion instruments. Other gems include the magnificently titled "Zombie Bamboos," "Mating Calypso," "Afri Cuban" and the spectacular closer "Secret Jungle Path."

With this album Chaino managed to come up with hypnotic instrumentals that capture a sort of weird non existent primitive seductiveness. It's startling, but still makes for some relaxing background Tiki music—or when you need something completely different on that roadtrip to some heart of darkness.

Chaino and his "Eye Of The Spectre" album is an absorbing wonder of kooky playfulness and furious erotic abandonment wrapped up in a completely enjoyable listening experience.

* * * * *

Kava Kon: Tiki For The Atomic Age (Dionysus 2009)

With this, their second album, Detroit duo Kava Kon have created a seamless blend of the past, present and future of Tiki Exotica music. In many ways, like Chaino's illusion of deep jungle erotica, Kava Kon has created a landscape of sound for a time and place that never quite is.

Kava Kon (Nels Truesdell and Bob Kress) freely blend their experiences and influences within the classical world, Joe Meek's spacetrumental otherworldly pop productions, psychotronic film soundtracks, dub and electronica to concoct a richly varied next step onward for the timeline of Tiki music's history and development.

Musically acknowledging the early pioneers of Tiki sounds, Les Baxter and Martin Denny, Kava Kon never actually imitates these greats, but instead hints at them and shuffles the deck of sounds that these Exotica craftsman made famous. Some of the arrangements and instrumentation recall Les Baxter's non Tiki soundtrack work for horror and other genre films. Vintage instrumentation sidles up to pulses while soothing female voices are juxtaposed against classical piano motifs.

Kava Kon has crafted a superb blending of music for anyone who wishes to find a detour from the past's exotica, without straying into a clever for cleverness sake ditch. Never too precious, and I fully believe that this album will not someday end up sounding dated or lifeless.

Tiki For The Atomic Age is a wonderful adventure through the many different forms that Tiki Exotica music can take, all within one album. A few of the song titles convey the album's intentions clearly: "The Atomic Clock," "Turkish Honey," "The Exotic Traveler," "Polynesia Poppies," "Zero Gravity Lounge" and the final track, "Journey Home."

Don't leave home without this...

Both of these gems are now available from the splendidly named, fine folks at Dionysus Records, who are also in the midst of celebrating 25(!) years of kickstarting resurgences in garage, lounge, surf, Tiki Exotica and rockabilly music with over 500(!!) releases in their catalog. If there's a party somewhere, there's a good chance that Dionysus is throwing it.

Check out their unbelievably groovy web site here and don't forget to tell them Robert Jaz gave you the directions to their swinging affair.

Until next time, keep swimming with the lotus petals...

HOUSE OF MOUSE Acquires HOUSE OF IDEAS

Will "Walt Disney" Proudly Present alongside icon Stan Lee?

This morning, The Walt Disney Company purchased Marvel Entertainment for approximately $4 billion, making Marvel's new corporate parent as impressive as Warner Bros.' DC Comics.

Full press release after the jump.

Thoughts?

August 31, 2009

DISNEY TO ACQUIRE MARVEL ENTERTAINMENT

Worldwide leader in family entertainment agrees to acquire Marvel and its portfolio of over 5,000 characters

Acquisition highlights Disney's strategic focus on quality branded content, technological innovation and international expansion to build long-term shareholder value

Burbank, CA and New York, NY, August 31, 2009 —Building on its strategy of delivering quality branded content to people around the world, The Walt Disney Company (NYSE:DIS) has agreed to acquire Marvel Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE:MVL) in a stock and cash transaction, the companies announced today.

Under the terms of the agreement and based on the closing price of Disney on August 28, 2009, Marvel shareholders would receive a total of $30 per share in cash plus approximately 0.745 Disney shares for each Marvel share they own. At closing, the amount of cash and stock will be adjusted if necessary so that the total value of the Disney stock issued as merger consideration based on its trading value at that time is not less than 40% of the total merger consideration.

Based on the closing price of Disney stock on Friday, August 28, the transaction value is $50 per Marvel share or approximately $4 billion.

"This transaction combines Marvel's strong global brand and world-renowned library of characters including Iron Man, Spider-Man, X-Men, Captain America, Fantastic Four and Thor with Disney's creative skills, unparalleled global portfolio of entertainment properties, and a business structure that maximizes the value of creative properties across multiple platforms and territories," said Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company. "Ike Perlmutter and his team have done an impressive job of nurturing these properties and have created significant value. We are pleased to bring this talent and these great assets to Disney."

"We believe that adding Marvel to Disney's unique portfolio of brands provides significant opportunities for long-term growth and value creation," Iger said.

"Disney is the perfect home for Marvel's fantastic library of characters given its proven ability to expand content creation and licensing businesses," said Ike Perlmutter, Marvel's Chief Executive Officer. "This is an unparalleled opportunity for Marvel to build upon its vibrant brand and character properties by accessing Disney's tremendous global organization and infrastructure around the world."

Under the deal, Disney will acquire ownership of Marvel including its more than 5,000 Marvel characters. Mr. Perlmutter will oversee the Marvel properties, and will work directly with Disney's global lines of business to build and further integrate Marvel's properties.

The Boards of Directors of Disney and Marvel have each approved the transaction, which is subject to clearance under the Hart-Scott-Rodino Antitrust Improvements Act, certain non-United States merger control regulations, effectiveness of a registration statement with respect to Disney shares issued in the transaction and other customary closing conditions. The agreement will require the approval of Marvel shareholders. Marvel was advised on the transaction by BofA Merrill Lynch.

Investor Conference Call:

An investor conference call will take place at approximately 10:15 a.m. EDT / 7:15 a.m. PDT today, August 31, 2009. To listen to the Webcast, turn your browser to http://corporate.disney.go.com/investors/presentations.html or dial in domestically at 800-260-8140 or internationally at 617-614-3672. For both dial-in numbers, the participant pass code is 51214527.

The discussion will be available via replay on the Disney investors website through September 14, 2009 at 7:00 PM EDT/4:00 PM PDT.

About The Walt Disney Company
The Walt Disney Company, together with its subsidiaries and affiliates, is a leading diversified international family entertainment and media enterprise with five business segments: media networks, parks and resorts, studio entertainment, interactive media and consumer products. Disney is a Dow 30 company with revenues of nearly $38 billion in its most recent fiscal year.

About Marvel Entertainment, Inc.
Marvel Entertainment, Inc. is one of the world's most prominent character-based entertainment companies, built on a library of over 5,000 characters featured in a variety of media over seventy years. Marvel utilizes its character franchises in licensing, entertainment (via Marvel Studios and Marvel Animation) and publishing (via Marvel Comics).

Forward-Looking Statements:

Certain statements in this communication may constitute "forward-looking statements" within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Such statements relate to a variety of matters, including but not limited to: the operations of the businesses of Disney and Marvel separately and as a combined entity; the timing and consummation of the proposed merger transaction; the expected benefits of the integration of the two companies; the combined company's plans, objectives, expectations and intentions and other statements that are not historical fact. These statements are made on the basis of the current beliefs, expectations and assumptions of the management of Disney and Marvel regarding future events and are subject to significant risks and uncertainty. Investors are cautioned not to place undue reliance on any such forward-looking statements, which speak only as of the date they are made. Neither Disney nor Marvel undertakes any obligation to update or revise these statements, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.

Actual results may differ materially from those expressed or implied. Such differences may result from a variety of factors, including but not limited to:

• legal or regulatory proceedings or other matters that affect the timing or ability to complete the transactions as contemplated;
• the possibility that the expected synergies from the proposed merger will not be realized, or will not be realized within the anticipated time period; the risk that the businesses will not be integrated successfully;
• the possibility of disruption from the merger making it more difficult to maintain business and operational relationships;
• the possibility that the merger does not close, including but not limited to, due to the failure to satisfy the closing conditions;
• any actions taken by either of the companies, including but not limited to, restructuring or strategic initiatives (including capital investments or asset acquisitions or dispositions);
• developments beyond the companies' control, including but not limited to: changes in domestic or global economic conditions, competitive conditions and consumer preferences; adverse weather conditions or natural disasters; health concerns; international, political or military developments; and technological developments.

Additional factors that may cause results to differ materially from those described in the forward-looking statements are set forth in the Annual Report on Form 10-K of Disney for the year ended September 27, 2008, which was filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission ("SEC") on November 20, 2008, under the heading "Item 1A—Risk Factors" and in the Annual Report on Form 10-K of Marvel for the year ended December 31, 2008, which was filed with the SEC on February 27, 2009, under the heading "Item 1A—Risk Factors," and in subsequent reports on Forms 10-Q and 8-K and other filings made with the SEC by each of Marvel and Disney.

Important Merger Information and Additional Information:

This communication does not constitute an offer to sell or the solicitation of an offer to buy any securities or a solicitation of any vote or approval. In connection with the proposed transaction, Disney and Marvel will file relevant materials with the SEC. Disney will file a Registration Statement on Form S-4 that includes a proxy statement of Marvel and which also constitutes a prospectus of Disney. Marvel will mail the proxy statement/prospectus to its stockholders.Investors are urged to read the proxy statement/prospectus regarding the proposed transaction when it becomes available, because it will contain important information.The proxy statement/prospectus and other documents that will be filed by Disney and Marvel with the SEC will be available free of charge at the SEC's website, www.sec.gov, or by directing a request when such a filing is made to The Walt Disney Company, 500 South Buena Vista Street, Burbank, CA 91521-9722, Attention: Shareholder Services or by directing a request when such a filing is made to Marvel Entertainment, Inc., 417 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10016, Attention: Corporate Secretary.

Disney, Marvel, their respective directors and certain of their executive officers may be considered participants in the solicitation of proxies in connection with the proposed transaction. Information about the directors and executive officers of Marvel is set forth in its definitive proxy statement, which was filed with the SEC on March 24, 2009. Information about the directors and executive officers of Disney is set forth in its definitive proxy statement, which was filed with the SEC on January 16, 2009.Investors may obtain additional information regarding the interests of such participants by reading the proxy statement/prospectus Disney and Marvel will file with the SEC when it becomes available.

# # #

Contacts

Zenia Mucha
Corporate Communications
818-560-5300

Jonathan Friedland
Corporate Communications
818-560-8306

Lowell Singer
Investor Relations
818-560-6601

The Time Capsule

Whatcha Gonna Do? BAD BOYS 3!

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Columbia Pictures is developing Bad Boys 3, hoping to reunite stars Will Smith and Martin Lawrence with director Michael Bay.

The two films, which feature Smith as Mike Lowrey and Lawrence as Marcus Burnett have grossed a combined worldwide box office of over $400 million. With the continued success of Smith and Bay, the budget itself is a costly hurdle.

The film is being written by Peter Craig.

Trivia: The original Bad Boys was set to film with Saturday Night Live stars Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz. When Carvey rejected the script, producer Jerry Bruckheimer chose to recast.

Read Any Good Scripts Lately?

My buddy and some-time Forces of Geek contributor Sheridan Cleland is back, with the relaunched my PDF scripts, the net's premiere screenplay site. Among the treasures that you'll find here are screenplay and film reviews, interviews and most importantly, scripts galore, with new releases weekly.

Among some of the recent treasures are the screenplays to Inglorious Basterds, Park Chan-Wook's Thirst, Funny People, (500) Days of Summer, The Brothers Bloom, Fight Club, Moon, as well as a ridiculously cool collection of scripts for unproduced movies.

Check out the site or follow their releases on Twitter.

My Favorite Year, Part Three: This Tuesday in Texas

For as long we know, WWE pay-per-view events have been held on Sunday nights, but at different points, Vince McMahon flirted with using Tuesday night as a secondary PPV night.

Take, for example, Tuesday in Texas, held in San Antonio on December 3rd, following immediately on the heels of Survivor Series 1991.

The relatively brief pay-per-view card was headlined by two big matches.

The main event, of course, was a rematch of the Survivor Series main event, with Hulk Hogan now challenging the Undertaker for the WWF Championship the Deadman won with the help of Ric Flair. WWF President Jack Tunney explicitly stated that while the referee's decision was final, he would be present this time as a ringside enforcer.

The other major match on the card was a long-brewing grudge match. Mutual hatred between "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Jake "The Snake" Roberts exploded on an episode of WWF Superstars of Wrestling, when Roberts attacked savage with a "venomous" cobra (the cobra was actually bereft of venom, and actually died shortly after biting Savage).

While the two of them were originally set to captain rival Survivor Series teams, their fateful meeting was held off for a singles match, and this would be that occasion.





The rest of the card featured fairly decent but hardly memorable matches. Bret Hart successfully defended his Intercontinental Championship against the Skinner (former Fabulous One Steve Keirn) in a match that would only be notable for the Skinner getting his first loss, if anyone really cared about the Skinner character. British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith had been matched against the Warlord for much of the year, and defeated him in a singles match this time around.

And "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase teamed with the Repo Man to face his former manservant Virgil and "El Matador" Tito Santana. The Repo Man was played by Barry Darsow, an industry veteran who had wrestled in tag teams for much of his career. Wrestling for Jim Crockett Promotions, he joined Ivan and Nikita Koloff as Krusher Khruschev, and later replaced Nikita as Ivan's sole partner when Nikita turned face to team with Dusty Rhodes. One of his most notable feuds as a Koloff was with the Road Warriors, who Darsow knew from their days as bouncers in Minneapolis.



After jumping to the WWF, he was given the name Smash and paired with Bill Eadie (Ax) as Demolition. The team, initially seen as a transparent Road Warriors knockoff, impressed fans to such an extent that they were turned faces at Survivor Series 1988, and later won the WWF Tag Team Championship. After the team finally ran their course, Darsow was reimagined as the Repo Man, whose gimmick was...literally reposessing the belongings of his opponents. It wasn't a great idea for a gimmick, but Darsow played him as a sneaky yet spastic villain who loved his job. I have to admit, I loved the Repo Man, which I got to tell Darsow in person last June.

The tag match in Texas, however, was solid if unmemorable. DiBiase and Darsow had pretty fluid continuity, and the match went both ways, before degenerating into a four-man in-ring brawl. In the commotion, DiBiase was able to capitalize on interference from his then-manager, Sensational Sherri (though it almost backfired when she beaned him with a shoe meant for Virgil), and get the three-count on his long-time bodyguard. Decent tag team match, but nothing too special.

Then again, one of the major selling points was the long-awaited confrontation between Randy Savage and Jake Roberts. To sell the urgency of the encounter, a "no reptiles" rule was established, stripping Roberts of his most visible psychological advantage. The match was pretty physical from the beginning--as Jake Roberts was walking to the ring, Randy Savage ambushed him from behind with a double axhandle and battered him on the outside as the bell rang to begin the match. Once the combatants finally entered the ring, Savage stayed on the attack, trapping him in the corner with hard lefts to the face. He whipped Roberts from ringpost to ropes, knocking him down with an elbow. He even took to the turnbuckles, with a flying shot to Roberts' face from the top buckle.



At every turn, Savage was there to brutalize Roberts. The slithery heel tried to leave the ring and get himself counted out, but Savage followed him down the aisle and forced him back in. Roberts managed to gain an edge on Savage thanks to momentary interference by referee Earl Hebner, and took the opportunity to eject Savage from the ring. An ill-advised attempt to launch a sneak attack as Savage tried to climb back in was met with a fiery counter-attack from the Macho Man, but Roberts was able to end it quickly when he rammed Savage's bandaged arm (the arm bitten by Roberts' cobra) into the steel ringpost. More punishment to the arm followed, but Savage was able to knock Roberts away. The tide of battle changed rapidly between the two: they traded blows frequently, and at one point, Roberts tried to tear Savage's bandage off in order to attack the arm with added fire. The match turned again when Savage bounced off the ropes with a kick to the Snake's face that briefly stunned him, which he would follow up by countering a short Roberts clothesline with an elbow the the villain's face. Even the referee was swept into the fight; Hebner barely rolled out of the way when Savage and Roberts collided in a corner.

Finally, Roberts gained the upper hand and went for his finishing move, the DDT. Savage was able to ram Roberts into the corner, damaging his ribs. The Snake went down, allowing Savage the opportunity to try his flying elbow from the top rope. The Macho Man nailed it, and scored the pinfall over the Snake, winning his first match after coming out of "retirement."
The match itself was relatively brief, but what followed was an unbelievably violent (for WWF TV at the time) attack on Savage by Roberts. By the end of the assault (which ran nearly the length of the match), Savage had endured three DDTs, while Roberts taunted him and forced his wife Miss Elizabeth to beg for the Macho Man's life.

Arguably the highlight of the event, the Savage-Roberts battle still holds up as evidence that Jake "The Snake" Roberts was one of the best, most terrifying heels ever to darken a wrestling ring. His grasp of ring psychology was amazing, and his menace was masterful. For Savage's part, he was a ring general who, it has been said, insisted on planning every facet of every match in advance, leaving nothing to chance or improvisation. His incredible technical skill, combined with his explosive personality and impressive attention to detail resulted in a memorable performance, and together, they created a powerful, if all too brief feud. It would continue, though not for much longer.

The main event was appropriately the WWF Championship rematch between the Undertaker and Hulk Hogan. The big conundrum was how to settle the score without burying either man (no pun intended), but also how to clear the slate in order to get Ric Flair into the title picture.



Basically, it was a repeat of the Survivor Series match, but this time, Hulk Hogan was fired up more than ever to get his title back, throwing everything at his seemingly invincible foe. Undertaker eventually turned the tables, pulling Hogan out of the ring and mounting a counterattack. The Deadman manhandled Hogan, slamming him, choking him repeatedly, even hitting him with his top rope catwalk fistdrop, all while his pallid, portly manager, Paul Bearer, cajoled and enticed him with his mysterious urn, the source of his power.

But a second trip to the top rope proved a mistake, and the Hulkster was able to throw Undertaker to the mat. It was then that Ric Flair appeared at ringside again, only to face Jack Tunney, seeking to prevent him from intervening in another title match. Meanwhile, Hogan was "hulking up," absorbing hard rights to the face from the Undertaker and glaring (or what they call "no-selling"). He got to his feet and marched around the ring, apparently harvesting the power of his Hulkamaniacs (you have no idea how much we kids fell for that stuff unless you also grew up a Hulkamaniac).

Hogan knocked the Undertaker out of the ring, then hopped onto the arena floor to deal with Ric Flair. Specifically, he dealt with the "real World's Champion" by whacking him across the back with a chair. The force of the blow knocked the Nature Boy into Jack Tunney, who was laid out. Flair decided to repay Hogan by grabbing the chair and jumping onto the apron, so the Deadman could ram Hogan's head into it. Hogan instead used 'Taker's momentum against him and threw him headfirst into Flair, knocking the chair into his face as well.

And that still wasn't enough to put down the Deadman! Finally, as Undertaker tried to force Hogan over to Paul Bearer, who was waiting on the apron to smash the urn over the challenger's head, Hogan ducked. The urn bounced off of Undertaker's skull instead, staggering him. Hogan grabbed the urn from Bearer and knocked him off the apron, then opened the urn and spilled its contents onto the canvas. Grabbing a handful of ashes, he turned to face his opponent, and with the referee distracted by the commotion outside the ring, Hogan threw them into Undertaker's eyes. He then rolled the champion into a quick schoolboy pin, and put him down for three, winning the title for a fourth time and putting Tuesday in Texas in the books.

With two really good matches and a handful of okay to decent matches, you'd think the pay-per-view would have done okay to decent business. Unfortunately, it managed a dismal 0.1 buyrate, putting the kibosh on any further Tuesday night pay-per-views until Taboo Tuesday in 2004. And even that didn't quite work out--as Tuesday nights are SmackDown! taping nights, Taboo Tuesday renamed itself in 2006...to Cyber Sunday.

A week after Tuesday in Texas, Jack Tunney stripped Hulk Hogan of the WWF Championship after reviewing the match, and declared it vacant. Therefore, he decreed, the title would be awarded to the winner of the 1992 Royal Rumble. And while most of the major storylines running since Survivor Series would continue on through the New Year, the Royal Rumble would truly change everything.

George Clooney STARES AT GOATS

Happy Birthday, JACK KIRBY!

Today marks what would have been the 92nd birthday for Jack Kirby, The King of Comics!

For those readers out there unaware of Mr. Kirby's contributions to popular culture, these are a few of his creation and co-creations:

Captain America, Fantastic Four, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Challengers of the Unknown, Fighting American, The X-Men, Magneto, Galactus, The Silver Surfer, The Black Panther, The Avengers, The Demon, Mister Miracle, The New Gods, Darkseid, The Forever People, OMAC, Kamandi, Devil Dinosaur, The Eternals, Machine Man, Boy Commandos, Captain Victory, Thundarr The Barbarian, Doctor Doom, Fin Fang Foom, Manhunter, Atlas, and the Inhumans!

To honor this incredible artist, check out some of his work at the links below!

Avengers #1

Captain America #100

Captain America Comics #1

Fantastic Four #1

Incredible Hulk #1

Garbage Dump Diamonds

Back in January of last year I wrote an article for Giant Killer Squid (shameless self-promotion) entitled 'Hypofilmiacredentia' in which I discussed the challenge and ultimate necessity of a film-blogger to name their top five favorite movies of all time. I ended the piece with, of course, my list which I still mostly stand by even if it is typical with the likes of Jaws and Rocky. 

Though I may have conquered the dreaded 'top five fave', I still haven't managed, even after hours of thought and conversation, to settle on the holy grail of movie questions 'top five worst films ever made'. Dare I declare this to be impossible. Good is good in our head, but there are thousands of levels of bad in movie-hell, each with their own prerequisite (though for the record, The Happening resides on every floor).

So let's meet in the middle. That grey area known as 'guilty pleasures', those movies that you know are bad, for whatever reason, but you love anyways. Heck you may even like them because they are bad, but the guiltiest pleasures are the ones that you would generally defend should they come under fire, but under the same breath would hide them at the back of your DVD shelf should you find yourself in the company of the judgemental type.

I've narrowed the list of my favorite guilty pleasure movies down to five, and upon reflection, I'm not quite sure what frightens me more: the calibre of these films or the ease and excitement at which they came to me.

Without further ado, here are my top five favorite guilty pleasures. I own them on DVD, and if I see one on TV I will most certainly watch it and love it.

Please don't judge me.

Reindeer Games
Starring: Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron and Gary Sinise
Directed by: John Frankenheimer

The Affleck plays an inmate who upon release takes the place of his dead cell-mate and hooks up with that guy's hot-bodded pen-pal, played by Charlize Theron. Enter her rather crispy-bacon brother (Sinise) and Affleck has to follow through with stealing his cell-mate's identity by aiding Lt. Dan's gang of thugs (including man-God Danny Trejo) in robbing an Indian casino on Christmas Eve.

This here's one of those attempts at a 'smart' action film, with more twists than M. Night Shyamalan's lower intestine. Though these twists are better on paper than anything M. Night has done since Unbreakable, on-screen it might as well have the dum dum dummmmm dramatic gopher music playing in the background. The performances are near cringe-worthy, especially from Gary Sinise who might as well twirl a handlebar moustache, and as usual, Affleck mugs at the camera like he's first place in a jujube eating competition. Wanna know where Charlize got the basis for her Arrested Development character? Look no further.

But what can I say, for some reason I just adore this film's cheesiness and ridiculous turn of events. If only they put a laugh-track in it maybe it would be understood. Watch it, if not for the absurd sex-scene and the wince-inducing pecan pie scene.

Bring It On
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Bradford, Eliza Dushku
Directed by: Peyton Reed

Though formulaic in nature, Bring It On pits two rival high school cheerleading squads against each other as they approach the state cheer finals. Kirsten Dunst (that's Keer-sten Dunst alright... Keer) brings it and becomes the new cheer queen... err.. captain (?) on the team and all heck breaks loose when there's some big stolen routine drama. Throw in Eliza Dushku performing a glorified strip-tease and Jesse Bradford shredding in his undies and you've got yourself a keeper. There's also a really rad teeth-brushing spit-off that got me all hot.

I actually don't consider this to be a bad film, nor does the mainstream media. It was generally very well received, even nailing a spot on Entertainment Weekly's list of 50 Best High School Movies. So why include it? Well, to be frank, I'm a 27 year old man. Well... boy... the clothes make the man and I still wear superhero t-shirts. It's that reason alone that I don't celebrate this movie in most social circles. Oh but when someone else confides in me their appreciation for this cheerleading classic, I turn real giddy real fast.

For the record, I've seen none of the sequels.

A Walk to Remember
Starring: Mandy Moore, Shane West, Peter Coyote
Directed by: Adam Shankman

Here we go. Get your hankies. It's your typical beauty and the beast scenario; Shane West plays the school bad-ass who ends up joining the school play for being so bad-ass. Mandy Moore is the super-christian and equally frumpy math-band-fund-raising whiz that wants nothing to do with him yet is coerced into helping him read his lines *wink*. Well turns out that beast isn't so hard and chiseled and fit and handsome and mysterious after all and the two fall in wub.

To quote the great Patton Oswalt, “I just know I like the things that I like”. I really have no defense for this pick. I'm a human, I have feelings. I'm sensitive. This is also on my list of movies that I sob like a baby at.

Want a real mind-f*ck? Go watch Bitter Moon with Peter Coyote and then watch A Walk to Remember in which he plays a reverend. It's like watching Sam Jackson play Woody Allen in a bio-pic.

Escape From L.A.
Starring: Kurt Russell, Stacey Keach, Steve Buscemi
Directed by: John Carpenter

It's no mystery, my adoration for John Carpenter films. Up there is the great Escape From New York, with the amazing Kurt Russel creating a cult-icon with the Snake Plissken character. Before it's sequel, Escape from L.A. Came out, expectations were super high. And then it came out. And people wretched.

Escape from L.A. Is for all intents and purposes, a remake. Plissken is arrested and given the “chance” for release if he “agrees” to venture into a guarded prison island and rescue something to do with the United States presidency (in this case an electronic device that controls the nation's satellites). Unlike the film's predecessor, there's not really an ounce of subtlety in this one and the film may as well be hitting you over the head with a giant pink mallet labelled 'satire'. It also features the must-see scene where Peter Fonda surfs a gnarly tidal wave through the streets of Los Angeles. At the end of the day, the flick is so ridiculous that I love it and I can't get enough of anything Kurt Russel or Snake Plissken.

Alien 3
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Charles S. Dutton, Lance Henriksen
Directed by: David Fincher

Oh boy I can feel the daggers your staring at your screen.

It almost kills me to put this under 'guilty' pleasure, because truth be told I'm not guilty at all. Those who know me personally, have felt the wrath of my legendary Alien 3 tirade. I really dig Alien 3. I'm enamoured by what it could have been and maybe that blinds me to what it is, but I honestly and truly believe that most people are far too hard on it.

The troubled production on the third Alien installment is legendary, even near-documented in the Alien Quadrilogy supplemental. I'm not using this as an excuse for the flick, as ultimately we got what we got and should judge only that, but I really don't understand the venom this flick endures to this day.

Alien and Aliens were so epic in scale that in order to keep this franchise fresh it needed to completely shift in tone. I think Alien 3 does just that while bringing back the classic horror of the first film. I also think that having a now fully bad-ass to the core Ripley stranded in an all-male prison colony is pretty darned interesting. I think Fincher's direction – although at that time not quite yet developed – is great, the performances are just the right balance of gritty and wacky and the soundtrack kicks major ass.

So they killed Newt, Bishop and Hicks off in the opening credits – God forbid three passengers on a space-craft die in a crash. Go call the whambulance. Or better yet, go pop in Alien Resurrection and the AVP series, then watch the Alien 3 work-print, then give me a call and tell me I was right.


There you have it, my top five guilty pleasure movies as of this writing. 

Great.

Now the whole internet knows.

Friday Video-A-Go-Go!

The Drums "Let's Go Surfing"

Game-Changing Science Fiction

As a total sci-fi movie frrrrreak of nature, I cannot think of a film that I've been as excited to see as I am James Cameron's Avatar.

This last week, when the official trailer hit the Web, I think I watched it about 50 times... sitting there like a loser, in total drooling paralysis.

This wouldn't be the first time that Cameron has "wowed" me like this in my lifetime.


His "Lucasesque" dedication to technology, and the invention of it necessary, really gets the ubergeek in me all bunged up. Like Lucas, Cameron's excitement over making things that nobody has ever seen before combined with his sickening perfectionism makes for the kind of guy that I would personally hang out with. It also has made for some of the most electrifying movie moments in cinematic history.



You do not have to like Cameron's story-telling or even the films he has made — maybe they just aren't your thing — but you have to recognize the leader that Cameron is in film. There's just no getting around it.

Having mentioned him already (because you cannot talk about sci-fi without talking about him), George Lucas is another guy that has made movies a "hyperspeed" experience. In fact, it's probably George Lucas who first did this to me when I was a kid, reading and hearing about all the stuff that he and then "pre-ILM" ILM had to cook up in order just to make robots walk, spaceships move, and giant slugs say "Bantha fodder". If it wasn't for Lucas and his ILM boys, we wouldn't have 80% of the digital effects that we do in *most* films (do a search on IMDb of "Industrial Light and Magic" if you think I'm smoking bad weed!).

I've always been a huge fan of science fiction, and it is easy to see that whenever there have been huge advances made in the technology of making movies, sci-fi stories have been the catalyst for the jump.

It is in this spirit of my anticipation of the next technological jump in movie-making that I'd like to revisit a few favorites (in no particular order) that I consider "game-changers" in the technological realm... Films that I believe have set standards for the next big advancement, and still hold up after years and years of multiple viewings.


STAR WARS
Prior to Star Wars, aliens were dudes in plastic suits with visible zippers up their backs, complete with big, googly eyes, and antenna that were made of springs and pipe-cleaners. Monsters and creatures from other worlds were still being constructed and animated via stop-motion the way Ray Harryhausen had done it all those years. You could often see wires and strings attached to little plasticy looking ships - if they dared try and display one - and the mountainous terrain of most far away planets was a clump of red dirt with small band of stationary figurines planted in it. Filmmakers assumed we were slow enough to figure that since the camera was always away from the "action", we wouldn't notice that those little plastic men weren't moving around at all. Silly filmmakers!

Star Wars changed all that. Lucas introduced amazing things that had never before been seen by combining out-of-the-box home-brew special effects with a brand of thinking about filmmaking that had never been ventured before. Many films and television programs followed suit with miniatures and light effects that made ships look incredibly realistic, but nobody perfected the use of those same effects like Lucas did, and arguably, nobody has since.


THE MATRIX
When I first started hearing about and seeing trailers for The Matrix during the first part of 1999, I, like most of the moviegoing public, wondered what the hell all the fuss was about.

"What is The Matrix?"

As it turns out, The Matrix was a film that would forever change the way movies were made. The film bent the laws of filmmaking in a way that is hard to even explain to a smart person, let alone a guy like me. All I know is that Bullet Time, whatever it is, kicked my lovin' ass.

Contrary to popular belief, Bullet Time was not invented by The Matrix's directing team, brothers Larry and Andy Wachowski. In fact, the effect had been used several times in films before The Matrix, but not to the effect that Wachowski brothers used it. Until The Matrix, never had Bullet Time been used in conjunction with constant changes in camera positioning, and *that* is what made the difference.

I'm not even going to try to explain how Bullet Time works. It's easier to just show you this:








TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
This one's a tie. The reason why is because before there was a T2, there was James Cameron's morphing "guinea pig", The Abyss, starring Ed Harris and Michael Biehn. People remember T2 for the morphing technology that everyone thinks Cameron invented for the film's villain, played to perfection by Robert Patrick, but a few years prior Cameron, along with a digital technology outfit known as Pacific Data Images, had already perfected the morphing technology on his "under the radar" sci-fi pic about a deep-sea dive team hired to find a lost nuclear submarine who discover an alien lifeform swimming in the ocean instead.

Up until 1991, morphing was rendered via stop-motion, like the werewolf transformations in John Landis' "An American Werewolf in London". But after Cameron perfected his morphing technology in The Abyss, the site of Patrick's T-1000 morphing itself into another human being or extending its arm into that of a sword or crowbar was a site to behold.

Cameron's technology was basically an early version of what is commonly referred to today as "pixel placement". It involved the moving of pixels of the original image across a grid to replace the pixels from a different image.The process involves taking two distinctly different images and gradually changing the pixels on one of them until it becomes the other image. The resulting sequence being a complete and total transformation of one image into another.

The process would undergo many changes and enhancements in the following years, serving as a go-to digital effect (almost to a fault) in films, television programs, and music videos such as Michael Jackson's famous morphing "Black and White".








JURASSIC PARK
Once again, the Spielberg/Lucas way of thinking about motion pictures invaded theaters when Spielberg unspooled Jurassic Park on audiences during the summer of 1993.

Up until then, nobody had any idea of what a dinosaur truly moved like. Well, okay.... technically we *still* don't, but thanks to Spielberg, we have a pretty damned good idea.
The dinosaurs in JP were created using a technology that Spielberg worked on for almost ten years prior to the shooting of the film. He utilized a combination of large, full-sized robotic structures and computer-generated effects to mesh with actual footage of rhinos, elephants, and hippos. The rendering of this "mash-up" of elements resulted in some of the most life-like creatures to ever grace the screen.

The animators also made special note of the movements of these animals and carefully digitized those movements into the computer, rendering the movements of the final dinos to a most realistic point. Everything from muscle tone to facial expression and joint movement subtleties were recorded by the animators and used in the making of these cinematic creatures.

Since then, this same technology has been employed by effects houses like Peter Jackson's WETA and ILM to create monsters and creatures for films like the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Chronicles of Narnia films.

Five Movies I Love But You Might Hate But Possibly Not So Why Not Give Them a Try?

I have them.

You have them.

We all have movies that we’d love to share with others, but the recommendations oft fall upon unappreciative ears.

Who can say why?

Tastes vary, surely. But they gave me a platform, so I’m going to use it to thrust (great word, eh), thrust some movie recommendations on y’all.

You can thank me later.




Straight To Hell (1987, directed by Alex Cox)

Coffee, guns and money are the themes in this odd take on the Spaghetti Western.

Three bank robbers on the run (Sy Richardson, Dick Rude, Joe Strummer) and a pregnant girlfriend (Courtney Love) hide out in a sleepy Mexican town. Come morning, they discover that the town is run by a psychotic gang of Irish banditos and coffee addicts--the Clan MacMahon. An uneasy truce is established, but tensions run high and the truce breaks down eventually, erupting in a cavalcade of bullets and fire. Along the way there are loads of little inside jokes for film and music fans, and a great number of cool cameos.

Apparently the musicians involved in the filming were scheduled to tour Nicaragua, but when the tour fell through due to political reasons, they took the budget and filmed the movie in Almeria, Spain.

Supposedly, Cox turned down directing Three Amigos! to do this movie.

The film is notable for its casting and cameos. Many members of the MacMahon clan are from the band, The Pogues. Elvis Costello plays a waiter. Zander Schloss (of The Circle Jerks) is a dorky kid selling hot dogs from a cart. And who’s this walking through the saloon door? Is that Dennis Hopper and Grace Jones? Who’s that coming through the center of town? Jim Jarmusch and Amazulu?

There’s a lot to enjoy in this flick, and many layers of parody and homage. Why I have yet to convince anyone else of the brilliance of this movie is truly beyond me.


Immortal (2004, directed by Enki Bilal)

While an English-language movie, it was produced in France as Immortel (ad vitam) and is based on the graphic novel 1980 The Carnival of Immortals (La Foire aux immortels) which was serialized in Heavy Metal magazine in the mid-80s.

It was always one of my favorite story lines from back when Heavy Metal was worth reading, and I was very excited to learn a movie version had been made--doubly so when I discovered that Bilal himself directed it.

Granted, there have been some changes made from the original story--but as Bilal made the changes, I’m okay with that.


In New York City of 2095, a strange pyramid appears over the city.

Inside, ancient Egyptian gods pass judgement on Horus and sentence him to death. Before the sentence is carried out, he is given a chance to pass his genes on if he can find a human vessel that can accommodate him. He leaves the pyramid and, after some unsuccessful encounters, comes across Nikopol, an escaped rebel, and joins with him successfully. In another plotline, we have blue-haired Jill who appears to be some kind of fast-growing clone with superhuman abilities. Horus/Nikopol and Jill eventually join up and... well, why ruin it?

Murder. Intrigue. Rebellion. Yeah!

It’s a luscious and beautiful movie to watch. Immortal was one of the first major films to use the “digital backlot” style of filming, blending live actors with computer generated backgrounds. Unlike other movies of the time to use this technology (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Sin City), Immortal also incorporated digitally created human characters to interact with the live actors.

For a science fiction movie, it’s a little slowly paced. Correction...it’s slowly paced for an American science fiction movie. While the special effects are a huge part of the film, it’s not what the entire film is about. There’s a story here, and characterization to appreciate. If you enjoy thoughtful science fiction, or have an appreciation for French film and comic book styles--give this movie a shot. You won’t regret it.

Zelig (1983, directed by Woody Allen)

I really don’t understand why some people I’ve recommended this movie to were lukewarm to it.

Maybe it was the mockumentary style. Maybe the use of old film footage. Perhaps some can’t separate the art from the artist and hold Allen’s personal life against the film itself.

For whatever reason, it’s their loss as Zelig is one of Allen’s most brilliant and humorous films.

Set in the 20s and 30s, Leonard Zelig (Woody Allen) appears in the news as a human chameleon--one who can change his appearance, size, skin color, accent--depending on who he is surrounded by. Zelig becomes something of a scientific curiosity, pop culture icon, and the focus of fear-mongering.


The source of his ability comes from Zelig’s low self-esteem--his urgent need for approval by those around him.

With the help of his doctor and eventual lover Dr.. Eudora Fletcher (Mia Farrow), his self-esteem improves and he ceases to be a chameleon. But it doesn’t end there.
Allen uses old film footage and bluescreen technology to fit Allen (as Zelig) into various backgrounds and among various famous people of the era including F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charles Lindbergh, William Randolph Hearst, Charlie Chaplin, Adolf Hitler, Babe Ruth, and Pope Pius XI. In mock documentary fashion, there are commentaries by contemporary academics such as Susan Sontag and Saul Bellow who discuss the Zelig phenomenon as if it were real.

The mockumentary format was still fairly new when this movie appeared in the early 80s, but Allen pulled it off pretty flawlessly. The humor may be a little academic in spots--but who says smart can’t be funny?

A Prairie Home Companion (2006, directed by Robert Altman)

Like Allen, Altman sometimes doesn’t get the credit he deserves because his use of humor is often a bit oblique in spots.

I’ve been a fan of the Prairie Home Companion radio series since the 80s--and I was a fan-come-lately.

While the radio show is still going strong after thirty years, this fictional film about a version of the show focuses on the last broadcast of the radio show from the historic Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Familiar characters from the radio show come to life in the movie as altered versions of themselves.

Kevin Kline plays Guy Noir--but instead of being a private eye, he’s the theater’s head of security.

Range-roving cowboys Dusty and Lefty (Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly) play singing cowboys. APC headman Garrison Keillor plays a version of himself as the show’s amiable veteran host. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin appear as country-western singing sisters, and Lindsay Lohan does an acceptable job as Streep’s daughter--an emo kind of teen with a decent singing voice.

Plotwise, everyone’s on edge about it being the last show.

Tommy Lee Jones arrives to put the axe, officially, to the show, and a death or two occurs along the way. (Would it be an Altman movie without someone dying?) The story is okay--but what makes it for me are the performances by the movie’s stars, and appearances by some folks from the original radio show (Robin & Linda Williams, Tom Keith, et al). It’s a fun movie with a lot to offer.

If you’re a fan of the radio show, this movie really is a must-see. If you’re not familiar with the show--maybe you should be. And maybe this movie will help with that. If you have no love for radio, then you probably don’t care much for puppies and chewing gum either. Your loss.


Henry Fool (1997, directed by Hal Hartly)

I came across this quite by accident. I saw James Urbaniak’s name--and being such a Venture Bros. fan I decided to give it a try.

Turns out, Henry Fool is a pretty damn fine movie.

Bullied and possibly retarded garbage man Simon Grim (James Urbaniak) meets Henry Fool (Thomas Jay Ryan)--a roguish novelist of questionable talent.

We’re introduced to Simon’s world with his disturbed mother, nympho sister (Parker Posey), the odd Asian market on the corner and the odd folks of the neighborhood.

Henry has an effect on everyone, but none more than Simon for whom he encourages to write his feelings--turning Simon Grim into the most notorious poet on the planet.

Simon ends up living Henry’s dream, and Henry takes on aspects of Simon’s old life. But the past catches up to Henry and only Simon can help.

The movie is both serious and comedic. Not everything need be taken seriously, but there’s some fun serious discussion here as well. Director Hal Hartly pokes fun at artistic elitism, and at anti-art bias. The switching of roles between Simon and Henry was pretty clever, I thought. And just when I figured I knew what was going on...

...Fay Grim came along--featuring the continued adventures of Henry Fool.

This 2006 sequel starring much of the same cast (plus Jeff Goldblum and Liam Aiken) takes the previous events from Henry Fool and turn everything upside down and make a spy-thriller out of it all. Take nothing at face value. There’s always another story.

I can’t wait to see what Hal Hartly does to this crowd next in 2016.

Cheers!








For information on how to get your book, comic, movie, whatever reviewed on Falling Off the Shelf, or to send hate mail, feel free to contact me at john (at) johnteehan (dot) com.

RAEKWON - HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS (feat. Inspectah Deck, GZA, Ghostface, and Method Man)

I have my reservations about Raekwon's sequel to his classic Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.

The superfan in me wants to believe that he'd come back with another amazing record. But the skeptic in me thinks it's not possible.

Why wouldn't it be possible?
Because records aren't movies, meaning it's rare that you see a sequel top the original.


OB4CL was a perfect storm kind of record. With only one producer, the music sets a constant tone. With a variety of producers, it's hard to imagine the sequel coming close to the original. Also, there have been some duds in Raekwon's discography since OB4CL

Well, it looks like I'm wrong. "House Of Flying Daggers" not only has the late J. Dilla doing what sounds like his impersonation of RZA, but a crazy animated video. The way the beat and the rappers (Inspectah Deck, GZA, Ghostface and Method Man) interact on this song makes me feel like it's 1994 again. Dilla's RZA-esque impression has some nice heavy drums. But then, he puts his own spice on it by throwing in his signature soul vocal samples on it.

Maybe there's some hope yet.

I Love Monkeys, and Monkeys Love Magic

via

When Will it Stop? HEATHERS, the television series

Why, oh why, is this happening?

Calvin on Ritalin

Way Too Many Deaths RANT - 8/26/09

Hello friends.

The past 24 hours have been tough and my mind has been swirling because of the deaths of Edward Kennedy and Ellie Greenwich.

If you don't know who Ted Kennedy is then you must not just be from another planet, you've gotta be from another dimension. He is so famous/infamous for so many reasons that I don't know where to start, or need to bother explaining who he is or what he did.


Here is a photo of a TIME cover that shows you one of the reasons he's (in)famous. If you want a real in depth story of him and his clan, be on the lookout for an amazing 100 minute biography from The History Channel called, Kennedys: The Curse of Power.


I'm sure they will repeat it a zillion times over the weekend and into next week. It's all about the "curse" on the family and it digs very deep.

After watching it I'm convinced that Joe signed a deal with Satan.

No joke.

Let's hope that the next generation fares better than this one did.

As for Ellie Greenwich, you may not know who she was but you damn sure know her work. Even if you are from another dimension, because you KNOW these songs;

1 - Baby I Love You
2 - Be My Baby
3 - Chapel Of Love
4 - Christmas Baby (Please Come Home)
5 - Do Wah Diddy Diddy
6 - Leader Of The Pack
7 - River Deep, Mountain High (you'd be surprised how many people think that either Tina, Ike or Phil Spector wrote that.)

Those are just a few of the many, many songs she wrote that got her into the Songwriter's Hall Of Fame. She wrote for everyone from Darlene Love to Neil Diamond, to Aretha Franklin.

She wrote songs for film (Cactus Flower, Sixteen Candles, Mean Streets, Bad Santa, Full Metal Jacket) and television (Moonlighting, Miami Vice, Columbo, St. Elsewhere, Late Night With David Letterman, NFL Pre-game Show) to name a few. Go to her website to learn more, because you should - http://www.elliegreenwich.com.

I've been telling friends all day, "Kids today have NO IDEA what REAL MUSIC is, how good it is, and how it has influenced the shit that is popular today."

I sound real crotchety...like my father.

And I'm none too happy about that, but so be it.

First Les Paul and now Ellie.

This sucks.

Super Heroes, R.I.P.

I’ve been disgruntled lately.

I know I generally blog about comics that are a bit off the beaten path, not so much because I don’t like mainstream comics (because I do, and I’m not ashamed to admit it), but because I like to shine the light on stuff out that you might not know about.

With, say, Batman…I mean, what’s to know?

Bruce Wayne is Batman, he wears a costume and fights evildoers by night, right?

Well…no.

Okay, let me back up. First of all, for the uninitiated, let me lay this out for you: Most mainstream comic books are essentially soap operas on paper.



They have characters that we come to love (or hate), and the writers are charged with creating interesting situations into which to insert those characters, so that we are compelled to keep buying issues to see what happens. This is exactly the same formula as a soap opera. And much like soap operas, over the years some of the story lines have been pretty silly, objectively speaking. A huge favorite in either industry is killing off characters, thought they inevitably come back, or it turns out that the person actually killed was the evil clone, or it was a dream sequence, or Mephisto uses magic to undo the death, etc.

It sounds silly because it IS silly, but what’s even sillier is the frequency with which this happens.

The best example in my mind is DC’s Superman, whom we saw killed in 1990 by the alien villain, Doomsday. I remember this being national news, and the (appropriately black-bagged) comic was wildly popular for about 1.789 seconds, before the sixteen trillion reprints glutted the market, leaving little tween capitalist speculator fanboys—myself among them—literally holding the bag when the bottom fell out. This was my very first real lesson in the capitalist pendulum, and I’ve hated the Big Blue Boy Scout ever since. But I digress.


At least ‘Ol Supes has only died once, so far. DC’s character Green Lantern is complicated by the fact that there are multiple characters bearing the name and the mystical green ring that controls their power. The main Green Lanterns are Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner.

I think Hal Jordan is the only one to have been iced (so far).

Not too long after Superman came back to life, Hal went nuts, destroyed the rest of the Green Lantern Corps, and started calling himself Parallax. Wielding the collective power of all the Green Lanterns (which, in case you don’t know, is actually an intergalactic police force which assigns one “Green Lantern” per populated planet), Hal went on to wreak havoc on the DC Universe for a couple of years before valiantly sacrificing his life to protect the Earth from the Sun-Eater. But then he was reincarnated as the new Spectre, the divine spirit of God’s Vengeance.

Hey, I don’t make this stuff up.

Green Arrow Oliver Queen and Green Lantern Hal Jordan have both died and come back

Another vicitim is DC’s Green Arrow, which has also had a couple of names attached to it, though my personal (and longest-lasting) favorite is Oliver Queen. In Green Arrow Vol. 2, #100-101, Ollie sacrificed his life to save Metropolis, and the Green Arrow mantle was taken on my Connor Hawke (I told you they were soap operas…have you ever seen a more soap-opera-esque name?)

But a few years later, Oliver Queen was—you guessed it—revived in the “Quiver” story arc of Green Arrow Vol. 3, penned by fan-favorite Kevin Smith. Just to shake things up, though, Oliver came back without any memory of his previous life, until his soul returned from heaven, reuniting his memories with his body to help Connor Hawke (I giggle every time I type that) fight off marauding demons.

Yes, I said demons. Try to keep up.

Hungry for more?


Fine: DC’s The Flash has been, at various times, Jay Garrick, Barry Allen, Wally West and Bart Allen. Barry Allen died heroically in Crisis on Infinite Earths #8 (1985), but he kept sort of coming back to life—repeatedly—due to his ability to travel through time.

Well, that is until this year, when DC Comics apparently decided to bring him back permanently. Following the subsequent Infinite Crisis cross-over sage, the Wally West Flash didn’t die, but he did leave Earth indefinitely for a parallel dimension. (Some might argue that a better definition of “death” has yet to be written, but whatever, you say “deceased,” I say “parallel dimension...”). Wally came back in time to help his wife Linda in rearing their twins, who went from infant to tween thanks to some time in the "Speed Force".

Apparently, Barry is coming back this year too, in the much-anticipated The Flash: Rebirth, which is on the shelves as I write this.



The Bart Allen Flash (Barry Allen’s grandson, if you must know) was also removed to a different dimension in Infinite Crisis, only he came back four years later, albeit without his speed powers.

Unfortunately, he was then killed by villains in the final issue of Flash, The Fastest Man Alive…except that he was resurrected in the 31st Century in Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds #3. Apparently he too is coming back (presumably to the present time) this year in Rebirth. Are you keeping this all straight?

Look, I’m not the only one to go on about this. Comics writer Geoff Johns said,

“Death in superhero comics is cyclical in its nature, and that's for a lot of reasons, whether they are story reasons, copyright reasons, or fan reasons. But death doesn't exist the same way it does in our world, and thank god for that. I wish death existed in our world as it does in comics.”

I’m picking on DC Comics today, but don’t even get me started about Marvel.


Starting with the 1980 “death” of Jean Grey in the X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, to quote Charles “Professor X” Xavier, "in mutant heaven there are no pearly gates, but instead revolving doors."

The list of Here Today, Gone Tomorrow…And Back Again Tuesday characters in the Marvel pantheon is ridiculous.

Most recently, the “death” of Captain America made national news back in 2007…but yes, Marvel has now revealed that Steve Rogers (i.e., Captain America) will be resurrected later this year. Apparently he wasn’t dead after all…he was just trapped in the time-continuum, you see.

Duh.

I checked this out on Wikipedia (to whom I owe a thanks for helping even me, “Mr. Comics,” keep all this crap straight), and there’s a great little tidbit: Apparently, there has been a long-held saying in the industry that, “No-one stays dead except Bucky, Jason Todd, and Uncle Ben.” Well, as the Wiki glibly points out, as of now, Bucky (Captain America’s golden-age boy sidekick) has been reincarnated as first the Winter Soldier, and more recently as the temporarily-deceased Captain America’s stand-in, and Jason Todd (the 2nd Robin, of Batman fame, who was killed off by fan poll in 1988) was recently reincarnated as, well, Jason Todd—although now he’s apparently evil Jason Todd.

Former deceased sidekicks, Jason Todd and Bucky, now resurrected

The jury is still out on Peter Parker a.k.a. Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben (dead since 1962), but I’m not making any bets.

Somebody actually took the time to parse this out, which I think is hilarious enough to reprint here. Again, thank you Wikipedia, which points out that the “most common reincarnations” (heh, heh) include the following:

1. The death scene is not actually the death of the character, but instead a severe near-death injury or situation, from which the character gets saved (off-screen, detailed in the subsequent reincarnation) by his powers or skills (e.g., Green Goblin), by good luck, or by the help of someone else. The death scene may be a deliberate plot of a character that simulates his own death or that of someone else for a certain purpose.

2. A common variant is an explosion that doesn't kill the character, they are merely buried in rubble/flung to safety/transported to another dimension (Spider-man villain Hammerhead once survived a nuclear explosion in this way).

3. The person who dies is a clone, impostor, or shapeshifter (Dark Phoenix being the most well-known example).

4. The character really does die, but is resurrected, either intentionally (e.g., Green Arrow) or unintentionally (e.g., Jason Todd) by some cosmic or magical being.

5. The character does die, and stays dead, but an identical character takes his place and uses the same name. Examples are the death of Snowball II in The Simpsons or Marvel's Thunderbird and Mar-Vel.

6. Time travel, reality manipulation or other narrative tricks may be used to undo big changes in the fictional universe (such as the death of characters) by setting them out of continuity and restoring things to a previous point. A story may also be conceived as not being canon from the start, so that the writers have creative freedom to kill major characters or perform radical changes as they see fit for the narrative, with such changes taking place only in that work and not in the main fictional universe.

7. The character does die, and stays dead, but using similar narrative tricks the character may be used and interacted with anyway. For example, even if being dead, the character may be found via time travel at a past time prior to his death, or in the afterlife. Flashbacks may be used as well to tell stories involving the character that would have taken place before his death and were not published before.

8. The writer may simply not be aware of the death of the character, so the use of it would become a continuity error until a proper explanation to fix it is given. In other cases, rebooted timelines may erase a characters death.

9. A character who was initially thought to be dead may be revealed to only have been in a coma. This premise is often misused for injuries and illnesses that do not involve head trauma, the primary trigger for coma. Variations on this theme include the character being placed in suspended animation or cryogenic suspension both of which are also used with varying degrees of scientific implausibility.

Jesus wept.

Okay, well, this all brings me to my point. As per usual, I do have one: There has been one major exception to this whole crazy business…The Batman.

From the character’s inception in 1940, through the zany space alien and nutty T.V. show era of the 50’s and 60’s, through the major creative shifts and the “New Look” in 1964, Bruce Wayne has been The Batman. Those names have become synonymous with the catchphrase, “Billionaire playboy by day, crime-fighter by night.”

Bruce.

Wayne.

Is.

The.

Batman.

Oh, sure, Batman’s butler Alfred was killed off (though they quickly brought him back when the fans went absolutely ape-$#!t), and they’ve been through a raft of Robins, the Boys Wonder (though the previously mentioned Jason Todd is the only that has died and been resurrected). Also, in 1993, DC Comics introduced the juiced villain, “Bane,” who promptly broke Batman’s back. During Bruce Wayne’s convalescence, Jean-Paul Valley took over the wearing of the pointy ears, but it was a stop-gap measure, and Bruce’s return was inevitable.

Because, you see, Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Until now. They have done the unthinkable. The recently-wrapped DC-wide crossover, Final Crisis sees the apparent death of Batman/Bruce Wayne at the hand of Darkseid, and in 2009’s Batman: Battle for the Cowl, the first Robin, Dick Grayson (who has been fighting crime by night as Nightwing since his retirement from the pointy green shoes), has donned the Batsuit.

Former sidekick Dick Grayson as The Dark Knight and Bruce's bastard son, Damian Wayne as the Boy Wonder

Is Bruce’s return inevitable?

Yes, probably. I’ve even heard rumblings about him coming back as a Green Lantern, though I’m betting that he’ll eventually find his way back to being the Dark Knight Detective. As for me, however, I’m all the way through despondent and well into the territory of “pissed off.” They shouldn’t’na done it, and even if this all turns out to be a dream sequence or something (that was clever in the 2nd grade, but not so much now…), was it worth adding one more character—and in particular, this character—to the “they were once dead” list?

Whatever.