Diet, Shmiet

I'm worried, people.

Very worried.

What about? Haiti, of course. The fact that a democratic state went rogue on us at exactly the wrong time and elected a Republican, and that I may not ever have decent Healthcare in my lifetime. Obama. The cast of The Jersey Shore, particularly Pauly D., should he ever run out of hair product and/or not be able to reach a tanning bed at any point in his life.

But mainly, I am worried about the state of dieting in America.


Sure, it's always been a little nuts, but my concern really peaked when I spied this commercial from Taco Bell. Obviously, the irony speaks for itself.



Question: If I'm on the Taco Bell drive-thru diet, do I still get to eat Fourth Meal? Oh, the conundrum.

Recently, too, the problem has hit closer to home. I have a dear friend K, who's dieting and sent me a text recently that read something like this:

"I just drove 30 minutes out of my way to Clackamas to the diebetic bakery and it was closed. Screw my life."

The diebetic bakery? I wondered. K. is not diabetic, so my text back read something like, “WTF? I will bring you a regular cookie tomorrow and only let you eat half.” She later explained that they made eclairs there that were only 100 calories and that they sold muffins this size of two fists put together that were only 35 calories.

“But what are they made of?” I asked.

“Who gives a shit,” she said. “They are delicious.”

Sadly, a few weeks later, our mutual friend A., who is in fact a diabetic, warned of said baked items and the particularly terrible gas they can often produce. K laughed this off until she ate 2 of said muffins in one day and was forced to run away from herself after a tiny episode of said gas.

Undeterred from her weight loss goals, she was back the next week letting me know she'd purchased a few months supply of Kim Kardashian's new miracle diet pill.

“K! I said, “please tell me you are kidding.
“Kim Kardashian is at her ninth grade weight,” she said.
“What would that number be?”
“109 pounds.”

I blinked at her until she walked away. A few days later, unable to sleep and/or perfect the Kardashian blank behind the eyes look, she stopped taking the pills. Just in case you needed more information about KK and her pills, here's the vaguely offensive and vaguely porno-themed infomercial.

Wait, is that Khloe? Why is she rolling around in chiffon bedding like that?
Oh, she's skinny now too? Riiiiiight.

This is not a preachy column about women's body images and the media, because good god, that's been done right? Bet's not forget poor Jessica Simpson, shot from the ankles up in Mom jeans and a terrible top, who's 10 pound weight gain (or not) made the CNN news crawl.

Now, I'm not saying this was a good look. It was a very bad look.
But the CNN news crawl, plus numerous talk show debates this did not warrant.

Gaak. I don't know that I have a thesis here, just that I fear the American public (and my friend K) is taking this crap seriously, in the same way they do Sarah Palin. It's making me nostalgic for the Anna Nicole Trim Spa days of yore, when we was all orange and skinny, but we knew that had been achieved through a steady diet of speed and running away from Howard K. Stern. We didn't really think it was the magic of TrimSpa.

No, I don't really want a Viper. But thanks for asking. Also, the color of your skin frightens me.

At least the tabloids came to their senses during the Golden Globes. While doing their best to keep the Angelina vs. Jen feud going, they actually sided with the "normal" body. Not that Jen A.'s body is in any way shape or form "normal," but on the scale of Hollywood at least she doesn't resemble a spine with a head, or Skeletor, like Angelina.

P.S. You need like 15 hours a day to get Jen's body. 
P.P.S. There is no such thing as "Hot $10 jeans."

At any rate, maybe it's time to bring back Susan Powder and all her "Stop The Insanity". No? At least that was mildly entertaining.

On second thought, those veins in her neck look like they could strangle a man.

Or we could just embrace ourselves at whatever size we are. But then there's the issue of our skinny friends, who tend to make you look bad at whatever size you are. To even things out, you might want to buy her this supplement.

I'm thinking about putting it into the LA water supply.