General

The 68th Annual Golden Globes RANT!

Published

January 17, 2011

Hey Kids!

I hope this RANT finds you doing well.

I’m happily enjoying a Sunday night with good food, a beer, and watching The Golden Globes!

I know I told you that I was going to watch the Critics Choice Awards, or whatever it is – but I didn’t because…I just didn’t.

And since Meryl Streep and Sandy Bullock didn’t kiss each other on the lips…I didn’t hear ANYTHING about that show.

At all.

And they’ve re-run it 15 times on VH1 this weekend, so there you have it. I’m STILL really vexed as to why I have NO memory of that show AT ALL until last year.

Seriously.

Anyway, It’s 7:00 and I want to check in on the pre-game show. The hosts are and CARSON DAILY and ALEXA CHUNG?

Oh, and some other chick with mousy brown hair I don’t recognize. No matter, Carson and Alexa are so bad. And I’m wondering why the powers that be are trying SO HARD to get that Alexa chick on TV. She had a show on MTV that bombed, and now she get’s the gig that Joan Rivers was bounced from? WTF?

Well, the stars sure are out tonight. Lots of good dresses. Lots of GREEN dresses, which I like because it’s my favorite color! Look, here’s Angelina Joile! And, is that Brad Pitt? Something doesn’t look right for some reason.

Here’s Mila Kunis in her green gown. Her hair looks “old” though.

Oh look, there’s Ellen Degen…uh I mean Justin Bieber!

I mean, c’mon. He really does look like her with the suit and the sneakers. Sheesh.

Here’s my FAVORITE dress of the night – Olivia Wilde’s bronze number.

FIERCE drag.

And now, on with the show!

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I’m so happy that Ricky Gervais is back as the host. AND HE DIGS RIGHT IN TO CHARLIE SHEEN! I love him so much! Whoa, he’s killing it tonight!

Oh, look at Scarlett in a pretty cool gown – a 1920’s style, but what’s up with her hair? It’s swept up, wrapped around, wind blown messy…no bueno.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – Christian Bale! He looks good with his ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ look. Hot! Too bad he blithered on so much they had to cut his microphone off.

TV SERIES DRAMA BEST ACTRESS – Katey Sagal! Are you watching her show, ‘Sons Of Anarchy?’ It’s pretty darn good! And she looks HOT – her face is fabulous!

Ooh look at Kevin Spacey’s new hair!

MINI-SERIES OR TELEVISION MOVIE – Carlos! I don’t know what that was.

Whoa, Bruce Willis! He is very sponge worthy. Is he eating babies or something? He looks better now then he did on Moonlighting! Okay, now time for some awards.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION – Chris Colfer! Let’s hear it for that boy! Great speech! Hooray for the Gleeks!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfKBk28ObRs

Ooooh, I’m betting Ricky is pretty drunk by now. And I love it!

Hey, Eva Longoria – Audrey Hepburn called, she wants her hair back. Great dress though.

Sandy Bullock – Please tell me what hair store on 125th you got those clip on bangs from. And is that dress from The Golden Girls wardrobe archives? What exactly is going on here?

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES – DRAMA – Steve Buscemi!

Oooh look, there’s a shot of Robert De Niro and his latest hot, Black girlfriend! Or is she the same hot, Black girlfriend? I often wonder what kind of hold he has over the press that has kept them from blowing up his spot for all these years. Why is it a big deal when Hallie Berry has a White baby-daddy, but nobody cares about DeNiro? DOUBLE STANADARD!

BEST TV SERIES – DRAMA – Boardwalk Empire!

OMG! The Kraft commercial with Ted Williams voice over just played! I wonder if he’s watching this show from his rehab facility in Florida.

Wow, how drunk is that guy who played the twins in ‘The Social Network?’ He really flubbed that intro.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS J-LO WEARING? A white slip with a slit up to there, with a sheer, sequined capelet thing on top? I can’t wait to see what horrid outfits she’s gonna wear on American Idol. Here she is with her husband The Crypt Keeper. I heard that her earrings cost 3 million.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE – You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me by Dianne Warren. Her 5th nomination and first win! For all of the money she’s made from her super sappy songs, I’m wondering why that outfit looks like it’s from the sale rack at Talbots. Oh, and Liza Minelli called, she wants her wig back. Wait a minute, where is Cher? Oh, right, at home in her sarcophagus.

Ooof, Christina honey, you really let yourself go. Mae West called, and she wants her dress back and wants to make sure that you have the matching parasol. Ooof, no more ass-less chaps for you gurl. Please don’t seek solace in food because you and your husband broke up.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE – TRENT REZNOR for The Social Network. Holy shit! He looks like he stumbled in from a Bar Mitzvah in the ballroom next door.

And here’s Ellen Degen..I mean Justin Beiber arm in arm with that girl from True Grit. I’m sure that the “Tweets” are FLYING right now with a Fatwa declared on her ass.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM – Toy Story 3! I love those films. Awesome.

Robert Downey Jr. is killing it!

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE COMEDY OR MUSICAL – Annette Bening! Hey Annette, Laurie Anderson called, she wants her haircut back! And what’s with the “nerdy” horn rims?

Why does Sylvester Stallone’s face look like it just came out of an egg of Silly Putty?

Tilda Swinton is almost translucent in a white blouse and bad looking floor length white satin skirt. Her skin is almost as white as her clothes. She looks more and more like David Bowie’s “Thin White Duke” persona. She’s the Thin White Dutchess!

BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINI-SERIES OR MOVIE – Al Pacino!

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINI-SERIES OR MOVIE – Claire Danes!

Helena Bonham Carter. Honey, I get it. You’re married to Tim Burton. You’re a weirdo. But please, stop it with the birds nest hairdont’s and the dresses that look like a 4 year old girl designed it. Enough already. We get it. Oh, what? It’s Vivienne Westwood? You know what, I still can’t forgive it. TWO DIFFERENT COLORED SHOES. WHAT.

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE – Aaron Sorkin!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS TV SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE – Jane Lynch! Hooray for Glee! Yay for married Lesbians!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – In A Better World – Denmark!

Like Ricky said, American’s don’t care about this category. It’s true. But the best part is when they give their speeches and they sound awkward and weird.

Helen Mirren – HOT! As usual. Hey, it’s my girl Vanessa Williams! She looks great! Let’s hear it for two hot, classy Dames!

BEST ACTRESS TV SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL – Laura Linney!

JANE FONDA! She’ skipped this show for 25 years? Really? Jane, I think I can see your right nipple. Who designed that dress…Judy Jetson?

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL – Jim Parsons! Have you ever watched that show, “The Big Bang Theory?” It’s really funny!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – Melissa Leo! I’ve been in love with for since that GREAT show, ‘Homicide.’

The Cecil B. Demille award goes to Robert DeNiro!

This is CRAZY, they immediately cut away when his girlfriend stood up next to him, and then pulled back so we couldn’t see her at all. Let’s see if he thanks her. Ouch, his jokes have fallen flat. And he did not thank his girlfriend, just like always.

Hey, that new Kathy Bates show ‘Harry’s Law’ looks kinda funny!

What’s with the plethora of Ray Ban nerd glasses tonight? I think I’ve seen at least 5 people wearing them. Is Buddy Holly the latest fashion icon?

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE – David Fincher – The Social Network!

January Jones – Who told you that you could call Versace, ask for the gown off the runway, and THEN have the nerve to ask for it in red?

BEST TV SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL – Glee! YAY FOR THE MISFITS! Especially for the speech that thanked PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS – the guy said that we don’t get paid like it, but we’re doing the most important job in the world – YES!

Halle Berry – WOWZA what a dress!

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE COMEDY OR MUSICAL – Paul Giamatti. What movie was that again? Who saw it? He beat out Johnny Depp who was nominated TWICE?

BEST ACTRESS – MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA – Natalie Portman! I don’t know if you’ve seen Black Swan yet, but do yourself a favor and see it soon. I know she’s pregnant, but I’m not so sure about the dress. Is it cute or not?