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My Dinner With E.T.

Force’s of Geek’s editor-in-chief and puppet master, Stefan Blitz, can pull some amazing strings when the situation is warranted.

Need a few bootlegged dvd copies of a movies before they’re released in theaters? Done.

Need a forged autograph of Harrison Ford to sell on ebay? Done.

Need an exclusive interview with someone who has been in hiding for decades? Done.

Transcribed below is my interview, carried out at a fashionable café in San Francisco’s Mission district, with one of the great film icons of all time, E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial.

How Stefan arranged this, I will never know.

Wearing flip-flops, sunglasses and carrying a triple espresso from Starbucks, E.T. arrived on time and looked very much the ultimate Hollywood outsider-insider.

 

Thanks for meeting me. This is really an honor for me.

Wish I could say the same. Kidding…

I appreciate you agreeing to speak with me. I know you almost never do interviews.

I’ll tell you why. Back in 1986, I did an interview with Woman’s Day magazine.

E.T.’s last published interview

It was their holiday issue and they asked if I could share some of my famous fudge recipes.

Famous?

Oh yeah. I really was famous for my fudge, look it up.

In the early ‘80s, it was a question of whether I would open my own fudge shop or go into acting, but then I got cast in the movie and, well,… Anyway, so I was sharing my Frosty the Snowfudge with the interviewer, Chrissie I think her name was, we were just chatting, she was telling me all about her hobbies and I said she had a broad range of interests.

So, get this. A bunch of liberal womens’ groups take my use of the word ‘broad’ out of context and pretty soon I’m getting hate mail these hairy-legged hippies chicks all across the world calling me sexist. Can you believe that crap? Me,  sexist. I told ‘em, ‘I ain’t sexist, sister. I wore a dress on film!’

I’d stop doing interviews, too, after something like that.

[E.T. chuckles]

So, this week, the movie Super 8 opens.

Uh-huh. Yup.

J.J. Abrams directed it in collaboration with your old pal Steven Spielberg.

Right.

Have you seen the film, yet?

I did, actually. I was sent a copy in the mail by Steven’s people.

And…?

Ya know, it was alright. The kids were cute, it had some tense moments, had a fat kid in it. Fat kids are always funny.

Your being one of the most recognizable aliens in movie history, I would love to hear your take on the monster/alien.

First of all, let me say that I’m retired from acting, so I have no reason to feel threatened by this guy, ya know, we’re not fighting for roles or anything. He actually uses my old agent, Lew Amsterdam. I’m just saying, I can be honest without any sort of, ya know…

Misperceptions by readers of your comments being the result of a bruised ego?

Exactly, Mark.

Mike. So, the monster/alien…

Listen, I’ve never met the guy, I’m sure he’s a perfectly competent actor, Steven wouldn’t have picked him if he wasn’t, but he just didn’t do it for me.

I mean, he was scary, sure, but…that was it. I mean, there was nothing else to him. There was no reason for the audience to care about him, nothing in his personality or actions that warranted empathy. I don’t want to sound like an ass, but he was no E.T.

Audiences had tears in their eyes when they watched you.

Are you kidding me? Tears in their eyes? Ha. People were *$%&ing bawling when they thought I’d died. That’s acting, Mark. Not like this Super 8 guy. ‘Grr, I break stuff. I kill people. I’m scary. Blah, blah, blah.’ Anyone could phone that in.

Those types of monsters have their place, though.

Sure, they do.

And you know who was good at that?

Predator. That guy was a bad-ass.

Godzilla?

Awesome.

Black Lagoon guy?

Awesome. All of those guys are iconic, they’re instantly recognizable. Not to mention the fact that they’re stars.

What do you feel the difference is between those you just mentioned and the Super 8 character?

For starters, just look at the title of the movies. Godzilla, Predator, E.T., Iron Giant, uh…

The Thing.

Exactly. Jaws is another one. Alien. The movies are named after us because we’re the stars. But this guy?

This guy is playing second billing to a home movie camera, an inanimate object. [laughs] That’s like if my movie had been called Reese’s Pieces or Bicycle Basket.

The movie is a sort of homage to your old friend and director. Do you feel that the movie captured the magic of those early Spielberg films?

I guess so. The kids had a sort of E.T. thing going for them, ya know, innocent eyes watching something extraordinary happen around them. That little girl was no Drew Barrymore, though. I can tell you that.

Do you keep in contact with Drew, at all?

I’m not allowed to, actually. I’m still considered a bad influence, which is total BS.

Happier Times

What happened?

I used to take a few shots before I did a scene to relax, ya know? Everyone did it, back then. Anyhow, one day, in between scenes, I see Drew and she was really nervous, so I gave a sip of ‘medicine’ just to calm her down a bit and, a few years later, she’s in rehab. Her family blamed me for her downfall and…well, there ya have it. Don’t print any of this, Mark.

Mike. Don’t worry.   Before I go, do you have any closing advice to the Super 8 creature?

I have two.

First, diversify. As a creature, you can only get so many acting jobs before the public grows tired of you. Catering, soundtracks, boom operators, there are tons of industry jobs you can get into and make a decent living.

Second piece of advice is this: Lew’s a good agent, but do not let him invest your money. All my E.T. money was gone by 1987 thanks to that genius. Sweet guy, but I’ll kill him the next time I see him.

Before we departed, E.T. took my phone and snapped this self portrait.

 

Super 8 opens nationwide on June 10.
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