For as long as there has been green grass and blue skies and ways for us to ruin both of those things, there has been the debate on “Thriller” versus “Horror.”
Many, many people will argue about this.
“This movie isn’t a horror movie. It’s a thriller. And by the way, put me out of my misery, because this conversation is has proven why I’m useless”
Anyone who has seen Psycho or Silence Of the Lambs has been a part of this discussion, and let me be one to clarify, it’s a stupid discussion.
Not subjectively stupid, but very, very objectively stupid.
Any time an argument is started about whether a movie has enough “fantasy” to count as a horror film, a child is pulled back a grade.
Every time a person says that something is “realistic enough” to be a thriller, a dog is mistaken as Satan.
And anytime these two things happen in the same talk, a dog is held back a grade, which I think is a subplot in the next George Lopez feature.
I’m here to let you know why this debate doesn’t matter. If you don’t follow my logic, that’s fine. It’s okay to be a sub-normal dolt. Certain plants are just that, and they get along fine.
At its core, calling something a “thriller,” or calling something “horror” is just used to divide people and bring them into theatre seats. Calling it a horror film will apparently attract a different demographic than calling it a thriller, because the film industry tends to think that there are two types of people: perpetually horny teenagers, and grandmothers. It’s either one or the other seeing these films.
Sure, there are a few stereotypes in between, but rather than let a film’s content stand on its own, they have to label it, because apparently a hockey mask with a bloody machete sticking through it is too high-concept to grasp for the average person. They need to be explicitly told, because if they weren’t, they wouldn’t go to movies and would spend all their time at home, wondering why their chair doesn’t taste like their ham.
Movie Executive 1: Okay, the film is about a couple who has to deal with a hotel manager who embezzles money.
Movie Executive 2: Does the hotel manager end up torturing one or both members of the couple, perhaps to death?
Movie Executive 1: Ummm….no.
Movie Executive 2: Then why didn’t you explicitly say, as many times as you could, that it’s a thriller?
Movie Executive 1: Because I figured that people would understand.
Movie Executive 2: THEY WON’T. People will hear “one enemy” and think torture. Jesus, you idiot.
Movie Executive 1: I’ll get a hold of the PR team right away.
Movie Executive 2: (pours tomato paste into mouth. Farts loudly.) Ha ha!
You’re Psyching Yourself Out
Like purple shirts and owning a cat with a bladder problem, movie genres make people worry about how they appear. If a guy says that he likes romances, one would only logically expect to open his closet and see a collection of Appletinis and dresses. If a woman says that she likes science fiction films, she would immediately love to be invited to your next Dungeons and Dragons game, and is the perfect, totally accepting girl that you’ve been searching for.
Genres make people freak out, because as soon as you’re going to a movie that is based heavily on what genre it’s in, you feel like you have to associate with that genre. It’s the reason why people don’t like to watch Westerns nowadays. A lot of old people watched Westerns, and old people are lame, so, and I’m no detective, but Westerns must be only one step away from someone finding out that you’ve been secretly collecting Troll dolls and naming them after girls in your biology class. People will worry about anything if it might mean that someone could judge them for it, so they mentally have to reassure themselves that it was a thriller, and that they can read books without pictures.
They Really Can’t Be Defined
There’s no standardized guide for telling how many dream sequence murders it takes to be a horror film, or how many watching-other-apartments-through-binoculars scenes it takes it takes to be a thriller. And, if there was such a book, it would have to be titled “You’re An Idiot, Reader.” No one in the world knows exactly what it takes to stupidly define something as either of those genres. It’s just an argument for self-entitled film nerds who want to give Halloween some more legitimacy when they feel attacked.
They’re just words. Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the bank and when they ask for my name, I’m going to tell them “Super Kong.” My name is obviously not Super Kong, as I am neither “super” or someone who could be defined as a “Kong.” But those two words literally have just as much importance as the words “horror” and “thriller.” I love movies, but I don’t watch movies so that I can put them into separate piles afterward and feel smarter when one pile is larger than the other.
It’s A Complete Waste Of Time
Fans of When Harry Met Sally don’t spend every discussion debating on whether it’s a comedy or a romance. Fans of Kangaroo Jack don’t waste hours trying to decide whether it’s “stupid” or “retarded.” I know that the horror and thriller genres tend to breed more passionate fans, because they are two niche genres, but if they’re going to debate something, they need to find something worthwhile. Like, should we academically critique the themes of societal and economic downfall in The Birds OR the sexual coming of age metaphor in Willard OR both, which is always the best answer.
“Horror” and “Thriller” mean nothing, other than helping to construct a way to organize a Redbox menu.
