I was a bright kid in the sense that, since I could read really quickly, I got to check out two books at the library per week, instead of the usual one.
For what I lacked in social cues and common sense, I made up for in my ability to skim through Hatchet faster than everyone else.
I’d say that it was a pretty fair trade.
Other kids were invited to birthday parties and I sort of knew the plot of the Frankenstein novel. I was a hipster, without the “hip” part.
I was cool and different and sucked at nearly everything.
Before I became the incredible pop culture analyst and destroyer you know now, I also had very poor taste in movies, especially when dealing with the horror genre. I had a habit of preferring mediocre sequels over the other, superior ones. In this week’s Don’t Go In The Basement, I’ll find out why.
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| Big. Ass. Shark. |
Plot: Jaws 2 takes place a few years after the original, with Martin Brody still Police Chief on Amity Island. A new giant shark has taken up the mantle of Number One Amity Island Killer Whale and Swimmer Consumer, and Brody has to be the one to take care of it, again. The film ends with Brody saving his sons and their friends when he gets the shark to bite down on a giant power cable.
Actual Best Film In The Series: Jaws
Why I Liked The Other One More: Near the end, a girl gets swallowed whole by the shark. The shark comes at her and she literally just disappears into its mouth. It’s like a vacuum that Steven Spielberg refused to direct. That would make this shark ridiculously large. Also, the shark has half of its head scarred because of a boat explosion and tears apart a helicopter. While the shark in the first Jaws was all about being this soulless predator, the second shark has a kickass facial burn and kills in the most ludicrous ways possible. The first shark got into Harvard and is now a billionaire. The second shark sold pot in high school, was super cool, and is now in prison.
Freddy Vs Jason
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| Oh, Freddy Vs Jason. You were garbage. |
Plot: Freddy is angry because no one remembers him and Jason is dumb, so Freddy makes Jason kill teens until Freddy gets remembered enough to kill people on his own. I understand that that’s supposed to be a plot of some sort, but the whole movie is like watching a world in Minecraft randomly generate. Sometimes decent stuff happens, but mostly it’s a lot of dirt valleys and nothing really comes together.
Actual Best Film In Both Series: Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter/A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.
Why I Liked The Other One More: Freddy gets pulled into the real world where Jason already is. The cabin is burning around the two killers and the teens. Freddy says “Die you little bitch” to the blond girl he’s about to turn into sushi, and Jason flips over a table behind him. DUH-DUH-DADUH-DUHN. Suddenly a “sweet metal” song starts (I use “sweet” and “metal” loosely. At thirteen, it ruled. Now, not so much), and Freddy and Jason karate fight. Freddy shoots air tanks at him and Jason ends up stabbing Freddy through the back with Freddy’s own arm. What Freddy Vs Jason lacked in most stuff, it made up for in DUH-DUH-DADUH-DUHN.
Terror Of MechaGodzilla
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| I don’t know what language this is, but the creators of this poster had the right idea. All the monsters are a thousand feet tall, the ground explodes naturally and Godzilla is about to face his third foe, a tornado.” |
Plot: Aliens build a new MechaGodzilla and team him up with the dinosaur, Titanosaurus, in order to destroy Godzilla, Japan, the world and probably the universe. Godzilla gets the help of some loser inventor, who invents a sonic oscillator to annoy Titanosaurus into the ocean while Godzilla rips off MechaGodzilla’s head.
Actual Best Film In The Series: Godzilla Vs The Thing
Why I Liked The Other One More: The movie has a constant stream of action, a Godzilla made of mecha and a big, silent henchman. That’s all I needed as a child to keep me entertained. I remember seeing this movie in a video rental place, and somehow, my grandfather bought it for me. I don’t quite know how he pulled it off, but I remember that the cashier was also a Godzilla fan and that he couldn’t pronounce the name of Godzilla’s giant turtle friend, Angilas. So much for getting laid, huh, cashier?
Halloween H20
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| “ H20. Halloween...twenty years later…..OH MAN, THAT’S IT.” |
Plot: 20 years after the original Halloween, Laurie Strode is a school teacher and gets scared whenever people tap her on the shoulder. Her brother, Michael Myers, kills Joseph Gordon Levitt, goes to a rest stop and then comes to her school grounds. LL Cool J is accidently shot and Laurie eventually stabs Michael enough to put him in a position where she can chop off his head with an axe, because, as much as he’s “the bogeyman,” pure evil doesn’t fair well without a skull.
Actual Best Film In The Series: Halloween
Why I Liked The Other One More: Halloween H20 was such a cool title to me, when I first saw the movie in sixth grade. While the prize of “Coolest Title” is up in the air currently, due to the recent draw between my DVD copy of Blade and my VHS copy of Blade, it was enough for me to like it over the first Halloween.
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