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Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen:
ARGO – Hunted Yanks Must Impersonate Ironic Movie People

Iran. 1979. A country gashed by chaos and violence.

Staff members flee the American Embassy after it’s occupation by energetic savages from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

Hiding out in the Canadian Embassy, living on a diet of food served primarily at hockey games, the half-dozen Americans sense they’ll soon be located. Execution and torture are distinct possibilities.

But it turns out they have one shot at escape: convince brutal Iranian thugs that they’re actual snooty Hollywood filmmakers.

Directed by Ben Affleck, who drew on experiences at political fundraisers and Cannes, this film is a taunt study in how ordinary people must quickly master an attitude of self-absorbed entitlement if they’re to escape the foaming wrath of the Mullahs.

Based on actual events, we see ace CIA trouble shooter Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck) arrive in Iran with a cover story: the six Americans are to say they’re from Hollywood, scouting locations for a horrible sci-fi film called Battlefield Earth  Argo.

At the Canadian Embassy, Mendez struggles getting normal people to scream and bitch that their gourmet coffee is the wrong temperature. He knows from his Hollywood connections that it takes years to acquire the right level of peevish rage over minor incidents.

In addition, the embassy workers must learn Hollywood jargon, a coded language:

Net Points – “You’re screwed.”

Labor of Love – “Work for free.”

Possible Future Pay – “You’re screwed and stupid.”

The spy finally pleads with his half-dozen charges: “Imagine everyone on Earth who isn’t more powerful than you is here as your personal servant. And when they don’t help you correctly, it’s really hurtful.”

In the meantime, the Revolutionary Guards experience a lucid moment between shooting people. They gather clues that will lead them to the hiding Americans.

One step ahead of pursuit, Mendez and team use forged documents to pass through airport security, making snarky, ironic cracks about people mentioned in Variety.  Suddenly there’s a heart-stopping moment.

A Revolutionary Guard detains them.

Tension mounts. It appears the game is up.

Will the guard open fire or hand them a screenplay?

Mihaela Lacramioara plays an uncredited refugee. Being a refugee is difficult enough. I would never flee to another place without credit

Affleck earns three stars for appearing on screen again after Gigli. Did you see him in that? OMG! The woooorst. I blew chow in my café latte. Could you introduce me to your agent?

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