Caleb Grothberg, 32, was taken to Multnomah County Detention Center and booked on charges of Attempted Assault, Kidnapping, Menacing and Strangulation on Monday after trying to render his girlfriend deceased by CHOKING HER WITH HIS OWN FUCKING DREADLOCKS.
The unnamed woman was admitted to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries although no info has been released to the public concerning her identity or condition.
You know, I thought suburban hippy/hipster white kids fitted with salon-styled dreads were supposed to be all mellow and into pot and bongos and organic fare that wasn’t filled with pesticides and ironically ordering cans of over-priced PBR while listening to sad musicians rhyme various lyrics around the word “portend”.
But now I get to add “Deranged Phish Phan” to my growing list of nightmare fuel (which includes: impotent Republicans who take out their flaccid penis problems on the American public, Neighborhood beautification Nazis and my mother discovering Skype).
Thanks fellow human beings!
I guess I’m never going to leave my house ever again.