It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you know what that means! No, no… not yet another chance to get that Calendar Man Achievement from Batman: Arkham City
(though, it is!). Valentine’s Day means I get to play Agony Aunt for
the second year running, where I offer love and relationship advice to characters of the gaming world.
This year it’s Dr. Robotnik, Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man, Companion Cube and Big Daddy‘s turn to be
counselled by yours truly, so cast aside your controllers and replace
them with a single red rose because this Valentine’s Day, we’re getting
Dear Dr. Robotnik,I
am writing to offer up some friendly advice regarding the nature of
your relationship to those furry “friends” of yours. Firstly, in most
parts of the world bestiality is frowned upon, I understand that there
is a well known idea surrounding the notion of love, namely you can’t
choose who you fall in love with but in actuality… you can choose, and
deciding to love another species is just plain wrong. I’m sorry but
someone needs to tell you before you continually get hurt.Secondly,
I am worried that your love of animals is perhaps unrequited. I mean,
what does it tell you if other animals, namely Sonic and co. constantly
strive to set them free from you? You can’t force someone to love you,
it doesn’t work that way.While
I appreciate that you were a Pokémon Master before it was cool, capturing
animals and keeping them locked up against their will is not a
particularly loving action. The view that if you can’t have them, no one
can is not cool. At least Pokémon trainers treat their captives with
respect and love, they know that these beasts aren’t theirs to own.. most of the time.I
think you have some issues to work out, you seem to do things the wrong
way round and you need to address this before you embark on a
relationship with others. Take your name for
example, your real name that is. You are Dr. Kintobor at heart. Try to
channel the platonic love you felt for animals before your accident. You
can be that person again and if you ever want to be loved again, you’ll
heed my advice.
Dearest Companion Cube,I
come to you with no love advice, rather I want to commend you for your
unconditional love. You are loyal, loving and dependable but this only
makes me worry about you. If you’re too needy or fall in love too
quickly, you are at risk of being hurt.All
those inevitable betrayals from potential flames who were seduced away
with false promises of cake by that heartless A.I., GLaDOS. All this
heartache, what is it for? You deserve to find someone who cares, who
won’t let you down or sit back and allow your heart to be incinerated.It’s
about give and take and all you do is give, give, give while all others
take. You can get out of this cycle, you can break free and leave!
Aperture Science is not a suitable place to continue looking for a
soulmate, it’s not where you will find true love. As a questionable wise
man once said, “If life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade”, you
could make a combustible lemon and use it to escape instead!Although, I hear the outside world is now rife with zombies…and head-crabs.
Your call, Cubey.Dear Mr and Ms. Pac-Man,First
let me congratulate you on 31 years of marriage. I’m surprised that
after that many years you’re only now having marital problems. Perhaps
you are too used to one another’s company, 31 years is a long time after
all, because it sounds like you take each other for granted.It
seems the very thing that brought you together is tearing you apart.
Your shared love of food was positive at first, a shared passion can
create a harmonious relationship but only if you communicate. The
occasional “Waka, Waka, Waka” between you is fine but a good
relationship requires more stimulating conversation.Pac-Man,
you need to be more supportive of your wife and Ms. Pac-Man, you need to
start compromising, I mean why are you so afraid of being a Mrs? Why
adopt the Ms title instead? That looks highly suspicious now, doesn’t
two have multiple issues so I recommend marriage counselling but in the
meantime, both of you should try to get out more together because all
those years of binge eating are starting to take their toll. Think of
your children! Plus, going to the gym together and sharing that
experience might remind you of the early days of your relationship,
replacing that shared love of food thus repairing your marriage.
Dear Big Daddy,You
are a wonderful father figure to your Little Sister. Supportive, caring
and protective and you’d gladly give your life for her. Also, your
D.I.Y. and cleaning skills are second to none. Any prospective partner
would be lucky to have you and your way with children is something
viewed as a bonus to most women.I
just worry that the Little Sister’s might benefit from having a
motherly figure in their life as well. Perhaps you ought to start
spending some more time with the women of Rapture? Maybe take one of
them out for dinner or to one of those fancy masked balls.Oh
and before you start thinking about Bridgette Tenenbaum, I know she
absolutely loves children and shares your passion for the Little Sisters
but she’s just not into you. Sorry big boy.
Still, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, right? (Please forgive my terrible joke).
I hope my advice has reached these
characters well and that they all have a wonderful romantic future ahead
of them, especially my dear Companion Cube. You will always be in my
heart..wait, is that cake?
Until next year, have a
great February 14th, whether you are spending it with a loved one or
hanging around outside the house of someone who just keeps ignoring you.
Seriously though, stay away from my house.
Happy Valentine’s Day!