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Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen:
JACK THE GIANT SLAYER – Uncredited Bert I. Gordon Saves the Day

Singing harps, giants, and happily ever after.

That’s old school Jack in the Beanstalk.

According to director Bryan Singer’s reimaging of the popular fairly tale, young Jack (Nicholas Hoult) now accidentally opens a doorway to another dimension chock full of giants who kidnap a princess and plan to conquer our world.

Eleanor Tomlinson plays the kidnapped princess, who is beautiful and brave but has a goiter the size of a football. This was a bold move on Singer’s part, marring our heroine slightly but in no way diminishing her spunk.

(Just so you know: it’s a really big goiter.)

On the subject of ‘big,’ Singer hoped to avoid CGI fatigue among his audience by casting real giants. But the big men’s bones were so weak they couldn’t handle any take requiring them to stand more than a minute.

In addition, many giants had some form of asthma. Even the smallest piece of business left them panting like porn stars.

Unable to use genuine big people, Singer would be forced to render far more CGI than the budget allowed. This would throw the movie into huge cost overruns and delay release by months.

In a strange—some might say “panicky”—move, Warner Bros. went around the director and asked for help.

Enter Mr. Bert I. Gordon himself.

No one knew more about shooting giants than “Mr. B.I.G., so named after a rich Hollywood career devoted to things oversized. Summoned off the film festival circuit, the 90-year-old producer/director Gordon was given a free hand by the studio.

To Singer’s dismay, Gordon immediately recommended foreground performances against a pre-filmed background. This technique, also known as rear-screen projection or process shots, was money in the bank for Gordon sixty years ago and helped make sci-fi flicks such as The Amazing Colossal Man into timeless cinematic gems. 

Was the film saved? I think you’ll be surprised.

Insiders report Singer was furious at having to share the directorial limelight. In a show of Hollywood peevishness, he stiffed Gordon who received no credit. So I’m remedying matters right here and now:

This film was co-directed by Bert I. Gordon.

Two out of five stars for a fake washed-out look in many of the scenes with giants. What’s up with that?

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