Tuesday, March 26, 2013


When I was younger (back when there was no internet, cell phones, or iPads) the school that I went to would send home letters to my parents informing them that I was sort of a delinquent and that they should probably come by for a meeting to discuss what an asshole I was.

And, being that I was, in fact, a giant dildo, I would intercept these notes, boil up some water, unseal the gummy flap in the steam and read what the guidance councilor had to say about me so I could prepare a defense that sounded natural when I was confronted by the 'rents about why I felt the need to be such a jackass (yes, I resealed them and put the letter back in the mailbox, this was part of my "plan").

Of course, my mom knew what I was doing, seeing that the letter was all wrinkled and manhandled, but she enjoyed watching me squirm by not mentioning the letter for days at a time (she was nothing if not the master of the mindfuck) until I would crack from the stress.

But, if I had had a can of Envelope X-ray spray that would allow me to see what was in the letter before evaporating, leaving the envelope as opaque as it originally was, my parents would have been none the wiser and I could have responded to those detailed letters of truancy and my disruptive nature with a flippant "I don't know what they are talking about Mother".

And I would have gone down in the books as a Master Spy.

Then again, I'm an idiot and I once purchased a bag of crushed bay leaves thinking it was pot, so there's a good chance that had this product been available to me back then, I would have fucked up while using it. 

Maybe it's best to leave the espionage to those much more talented than I.

Source: Geek Alerts

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