Last week, Twentieth Century Fox made the better-late-than-never announcement they’re venturing into the theme park business to exploit their owned film and television properties.
This is actually the second attempt to build a better theme park (the first being an embarrassing Australia-based vanity project for Rupert Murdoch). This time around, they’re using Malaysia as a testing ground before moving anywhere else.
Studios continue to feel the paranoia-inducing nightmare that Millennials and additional future generations, simply aren’t brand champions. Hell, they’re not even really aware, nor do they care, which programs and movies come from which studios.
Adding to the nightmare, Fox has licensed out a majority of their biggest titles to other theme parks in the last 30 years, including The Simpsons to Universal Studios and, most recently) their massive blockbuster Avatar to Disney. Star Wars they never had licensing rights from the beginning, and with Disney securing Lucusfilm, don’t expect any next-gen Star Tours experiences at this Fox park.
Expected to open in 2016, the new Fox park plans to bring themed attractions around the obvious big-tickets like Alien or Predator, as well as family friendly experiences around Rio and possibly Ice Age.
I think they could deep digger into the Fox catalogue for some really unique guest satisfaction:
Guests of this immersive dark-ride ride on the backs of mooby moosie Bob, made famous by Meat Loaf, while dodging explosions, nymphomaniacs and IKEA catalogues. Through the miracle of 4D, you’ll feel the sting of Tyler Durden’s punch, resulting in a hell of a black eye. Fox can not be held accountable for the violence, as you’ll realize you did it all to yourself.
THE FURY: THE RIDE!
It may look like an ordinary Paratrooper ride, but this one’s by way of Brian de Palma. As the ride increases speed, holographic cars containing stereotypical Arab characters go flying into beer gardens below. You’ll wish the ride were a little more like Carrie, but that’s unfortunately owned by MGM.
FANTASTIC VOYAGE
In this flight simulator driven exploration inside the human body, a pre-plastic surgery Raquel Welch appears so lifelike, and her wet suit is so tight, you’ll forget the ridiculous mission to stop a blood clot from within.
THE OMEN: THE EXPERIENCE
Parents wishing to explore the Fox park to themselves can reassign their children to the brave guests of this experience. While you tour the park, the demon seed that’s been assigned to you may occasionally kill other guests “accidentally.” Caution: Doberman Pinschers may bite.
PLANET OF THE APRICOTS
Let’s face it. All this excitement of your favorite Fox films coming to life is exhausting. Why not take a break at this fresh fruit stand, featuring an revolutionary selection of healthy eats. Apricots, apples, pears, grapes abound.
And of course, bananas.
THE FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY PAVILION
Every two hours, the ill-fated American Idol feature film spin-off plays on the big screen, making this the first official horror-themed attraction at the new Fox park. Fans of Justin Guarini will be thrilled to find the former flash-in-the-pan available for autographs and photos at each and every screening until late 2019.
ZARDOZ HOUSE OF PIZZA
Dine under the huge, flying stone head of Zardoz as you delight to mouthwatering pizza creations that will make you strip down to your red underwear and leather boots. Because, you know, this is the future and that’s perfectly plausible costume design.
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA
I have nothing snarky to say here. There had better be a ride or something dedicated to Big Trouble.
They can even change it to Little Malaysia, I don’t care. This one was destined to exist.
