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THE STAR WARS #5 (review)

Review by Tony Pacitti

The Star Wars #5 (of 8) 
Writer: J. W. Rinzler  
Artist: Mike Mayhew  
Colorist:  Rain Beredo  
Cover Artist: Nick Runge  
Published by Dark Horse Comics
On Sale February 5th, 2013 

And with a proclamation of love as uncomfortable and ham-fisted as anything Episode II’s Naboo frolics had to offer, The Star Wars has jumped the shark.

What began as a noble oddity has become a tedious reminder of what it actually is, a draft of a beloved movie that was stripped for parts and abandoned for a reason.

It’s boring.

It’s world of Jedi Bindu and Sith Knights is half-baked at best. It’s set pieces lack the spark that they eventually found in the films. It’s characters are uninteresting.

The one moment I’ve really felt anything besides curiosity, ambivalence or boredom was at the end of #4 when Kane Starkiller tore open his shirt to reveal his cybernetic body and started yelling at people.

It was hilarious.

Also it wasn’t the first time he did that.

Also also, both times it played pretty much exactly like this:

But the kicker this month was when Leia, who so far has had no significant personal interaction with Annikin Starkiller outside of that time he straight cold cocked her, declares her love for him. “I think I…love you,” is how she says it.

She’s illustrated like she’s asking a question, “I…love you?” and Starkiller looks like Jason Mewes, perhaps pondering as he looks at her stupidly, “What the fuck is the internet?” I don’t know how to answer that for you, Jay Starkiller, but in this early draft of your universe it’s probably rather dull.

How he actually responds is with a clunky “What is this silly talk of love?” What is this silly phrasing? “It’s George Lucas’ fault,” is both the answer and the safety net Rinzler gets to fall back on.

No matter what shortcomings this series has, the only blame is on the source.

But to blame someone for a draft they discarded, even the perpetual whipping-beard that is George Lucas, is weak. The true blame lies on whoever thought we all wanted to know what Star Wars would have been like without any revisions, tweaks or sensible suggestions. This series is the answer to a question no one ever asked with much conviction.

Story aside, this no longer makes for a visually interesting comic.

Mayhew does a fine job with the world he’s asked to bring to life but that world can be divided into two categories: the world of stuff cribbed from the movies, and the world of stuff that would have been easy to make into a movie in the early 1970s. There are hardly any aliens in this besides Han Solo and the occasional, familiar creature we know from the films. The droids and the Stormtroopers are what they are, and the sets and ships are too familiar or too bland to be worth noting.

Since the whole thing is beholden to the idea of being a serialized time capsule there’s no wiggle room for what makes comic books so great in the first place–bringing whatever pops into the artists head to life.

I hate to be such a Debbie Downer on this, guys, I really do. I was excited about this series when it started because sure, despite my claims just a couple of paragraphs ago that no one ever wanted to see THIS Star Wars, I was curious.

I came to it with an open mind, but sweet Yoda’s ghost is eight issues a long haul for this kind of thing. To say I’m looking forward to what comes next is a diplomatic way of saying I’m looking forward to it being over.

What began as an interesting exercise in mining the “what ifs” of a pop culture touchstone has instead dwindled into a tiring demonstration of the awesome power of editing and revision. I can’t imagine Lucas reads any of the Star Wars ancillary material, but I can only assume that reading this would be cringe inducing.

Then again, Threepio’s head being welded to a battle droid is proof positive that the man has no shame.

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