I remember the day that McDonald’s came to McMinnville, Oregon and filled the lives of reasonably fit children with enough fat, sugar and salt to turn us all into addicted fatties. I remember the smell of lard boiling, the weird brown and orange uniforms topped off with a paper hat and that $.10 could get you a baby cone filled with a vanilla custard-like ice cream that would send you into a sugar-high.
But most of all, I remember McDonaldland, a place that ripped off Sid and Marty Kroft and was inhabited by characters like Ronald McDonald, Grimace (whatever the fuck he was), Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar, the Fry Guys, Captain Crook, the Professor and Officer Big Mac, whose visage made for some entertaining times on the McDonald’s outdoor playground (you could actually climb inside and sit in his skull…FOR FUN).
Yep, those were some good times.
But then something happened, one-by-one the core characters of McDonaldland disappeared, without warning, without explanation and those of us who grew up with these weird advertising concepts were left to ponder their exit out of popular consciousness during those long nights when we drank way too much and ached for a pink slime cheese burger wrapped up in greasy yellow paper.
What the hell happened to Mayor McCheese?
Was he run out of office? Was he murdered? Did Grimace do it? Seriously, I totally believe that Grimace could kill another living being…the guy was made out of discarded McDonald’s food and had no soul:
But what happened to the rest?
Did McDonaldland have some kind of nuclear meltdown and kill everyone but Ronald?
Nope.
What appears to have occurred was something even more terrible than we could even imagine…they became a Black Sabbath cover band:
Well, at least some of them did…I’m pretty sure the Fry Guys were shot for sport then stuffed into mop-haired couch pillows, the Professor is probably holed up at Michigan State teaching Bio 101 and Captain Crook and Officer Big Mac are more than likely living in Vermont…together…and running a successful goat farm specializing in artisanal cheeses.
But for Ronald McDonald (who is still shilling for the corporation), Grimace, the Hamburglar and yes, Mayor McCheese, they are busy making music at small venues under the moniker Mac Sabbath:
And somehow this makes perfect sense (especially when you’re drunk).
When former popular celebrities find themselves on a downward slope, the only thing left for them to do to regain some level of recognition is to A) Make a sex tape and leak it on the interwebs B) Stab someone in a bar fight and get charged with murder (A.K.A “Doing the Dustin Diamond”) or C) Start a band.
Thank Uncle O’Grimacey that they chose the band option, because I don’t think I could handle a Hamburglar gang bang video to be completely honest with you (a Birdie the Early Bird one however, absolutely).
So here they are…your former childhood heroes…singing about McDonald’s…just like you might have imagined while under the influence of Jägermeister.
May the McNugget Buddies save us all.
Source: Foodiggity
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