UPDATE: Saw the finale. Oh my.
As the sixth season of Game of Thrones comes to an end, we are left to look back on the miles of tombstones this particular season has left behind. Considering that in the “Battle of the Bastards” episode there was a literal mountain of bodies on the battleground, “miles of tombstones” would not be an exaggeration.
Most hardcore Thrones fans are now battle worn when it comes to rooting for characters. If anything, they have learned to not get too attached to any character, for anyone can die a horrible violent death at any given moment.
However, if you stay with the show despite a favorite character getting stabbed to death at a wedding or having his eye gouged out in gruesome detail, you’ll be rewarded with an equally horrific death of a long-despised character.
Here is a list (thus far) of a the most satisfying deaths, gifted to us by HBO. Because the HBO gods are fair gods.
And they are the only ones we have.
24. Jerk Trio from Brotherhood Without Banners
Killed By: Sandor Clegane
A small-time group of villains who were killed by the Hound immediately after they murdered the Hound’s only buddy, a down-to-earth priest played by Ian McShane. They were all hung, and Hound got a new pair of boots.
Win-win.
23. Xaro Xhoan Daxos
Killed By: Daenerys Targaryen
Locked in an empty vault by Daenerys and her Dothraki followers after he tried to two-time her to Pyat Pree. Seemed like a nice guy at first, and not really a giant jerkface considering the other psychopaths on this list, but still, you don’t screw the Khaleesi.
22. Olly
Killed By: Jon Snow 2.0
One of the sadder deaths on this list, but still, the twerp dealt the final death-blow stab to our beloved Jon Snow AND his wildling Ygritte, so the prepubescent traitor had to go.
Was hung by Jon Snow after he returned from the grave.
21. Shae
Killed By: Tyrion Lannister
She was a loyal and loving wife to Tyrion at one point, but didn’t realize that Tyrion was attempting to save her life when he was driving her away. So then she took up the mantle of “woman scorned,” and made “GoT” fans despise her.
After giving false testimony at Tyrion’s trial and sleeping with his hateful father, Tyrion’s rage took hold and he choked the former prostitute to death.
20. Styr
Killed By: Jon Snow
Kooky cannibal Wildling who caused a bit of a stir in the fourth season for being fierce and eating a few of the Night’s Watch. Not the biggest threat on the show, but purely entertaining for folks who love a little gore with their fantasy.
Jon Snow defeated him in hand-to-hand battle with a well-aimed gob of spit.
19. Stannis Baratheon (?)
Killed By: Maybe Brienne of Tarth
After killing his brother a magic shadow baby, burning his beloved only child alive and driving his wife to suicide, we were all done with Stannis. Seriously. Fuck that guy.
Brienne had the honor to dealing the final blow…we think. We never saw the death onscreen, which means the there is a chance we might deal with this wannabe-king yet again.
18. Ser Meryn Trant
Killed By: Arya Stark
A Kingsguard lapdog for Joffrey that did nothing but inflict pain and suffering upon the Starks while being a jerk to Tyrion. Was a name on Arya’s infamous hit list.
NEW: 17. The Waif
Killed By: Arya Stark
We didn’t even know her name, just that she hated Arya and liked to hit her with a stick.
After her first attempt to kill Arya failed, the Waif went full T-1000 on her, chasing her through the city of Bravos until she had her trapped in a dark room with no windows. But Arya learned a thing or two during her time as a blind girl, and was able to defeat the evil tween with her trusty Needle.
16. Myranda
Killed By: Theon Greyjoy
Ramsay Bolton’s gal Friday (aka daughter of the kennelmaster, aka sadistic bitch) delighted in shoot helpless girls for sport and other types of torture. She helped break Theon and look delight in keeping Sansa prisoner. But when she threatened the eldest Stark child with death, Theon reclaimed his identity and saved her by pushed Myranda off the tower.
15. Karl Tanner
Killed By: Jon Snow (with help from one of Craster’s daughter-wives)
A Night’s Watch guard that Let the mutiny Craster’s Keep on old man Craster. While killing a “daughter-fucking wildling bastard” wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, Tanner took it too far when he murdered Lord Commander Mormont and turned him into a mug.
14. Pyat Pree
Killed By: Daenerys Targaryen
Dragon-stealing warlock who tricks Daenerys into the House of the Undying with the purpose of turning her into fuel for magic. Little does he realize that one of her strengths is a tough resistance to dragon fire, which turns him into a roasted witch in seconds.
13. Mirri Maz Duur
Killed By: Daenerys Targaryen
Witch who tricks Daenerys Targaryen (NOTE: Khaleesi needs to stop trusting randos) into sacrificing her unborn child for the life of her husband Drogo. It doesn’t work, as was her plan. In the end, she meets a fiery fate.
12. Khal Moro and the Gang
Killed By: Daenerys Targaryen
Kidnapped by a group of Dothraki Khals, Moro and the rest of the Coachella sidebands judge Daenerys in an attempt of figure out what to do with the wandering widow. After a slight difference in opinion as to her future, Moro promises to make her the whore of the camp to both man and horse alike. Daenerys has other plans, as she burns the Dothraki leadership alive and take over as leader.
11. Locke
Killed By: Bran warging as Hodor
Right hand man to Roose Bolton, forces Brienne of Tarth to fight a bear, threatens rape on a few key female characters and is the asshole who took Jaime’s hand.
So, yeah, no love loss here when a threatened Bram wargs into Hodor and beats the living daylights out of him.
Played to perfection by Noah Taylor, aka Mr. Bucket and young David Helfgott.
10. Lord Roose Bolton
Killed By: Ramsay Bolton
No love loss here for this master traitor. Pledged allegiance to Robb Stark before betraying him to the Lannisters in an attempt to earn favor with the throne. His downfall came when he legitimized his bastard son Ramsay, who ended up being a psychopath. But giving the kid a name and a title, he essentially let the monster out of cage.
Ramsay stabbed him in a power grab. But also probably because he’s just a very stabby person.
9. Lysa Arryn
Killed By: Petyr Baelish
Listen, Lysa wasn’t the biggest threat on Games. It’s just that she was an awful, shrewish woman with weird ideas on breastfeeding, a bottomless pit to throw disagreeable folks and a jealous streak about a mile wide. But watching her die was one of the great highlight of the fourth season.
Finally marrying the man she loved for many years, Lysa is about to kill Sansa Stark, whom she feels is a threat to her marriage. Her brand-new hubby Littlefinger comes along to calm her, taking her into his arms and right before he pushes her down the Moondoor, tells her he’s only loved one woman…
“Your sister.”
8. Prince Viserys III Targaryen
Killed By: Khal Drogo
Viserys was the first truly satisfying death on the show. Viewers spent hours watching him bully and abuse his sister Daenerys, forcing her into a marriage with Khal Drogo in exchange for a Dothraki army to help him take back the throne. But the “Beggar King” was nothing but a spoiled brat who threw temper tantrums when he didn’t get his way.
In the end, Viserys met his end wearing a crown after all. After threatening his sister and her unborn child, Drogo held him down as he poured molten gold over his sniveling, stupid little head.
“A crown for a king.”
7. Kraznys mo Nakloz
Killed By: Daenerys Targaryen using her dragon Drogon
Not a major big bad, but still a super satisfying scene to watch this mofo eat it.
The first few episodes of the third season showed Astapo’s best slave-trader as a foul-mouthed jerkface just a shade below a used-car salesman. Thinking that Daenrys doesn’t speak Valyrian, he insults her at every turn.
He makes a deal to trade one of her precious dragons in exchange for an army of the Unsullied, men he has personally tortured into becoming the best fighting force in the Westeros.
But surprise! Daenerys not only speaks Valyrian, but she now as an army. And dragons.
She cooly commands Drogon the Dragon to roast Kraznys.
NEW: 6. The High Sparrow
Killed By: Cersei Lannister
The evil little man in sheep’s clothing gave his final sadistic seemingly-benign smile for the last time. His death is entirely his own fault as he misunderstood his prey: A trapped Cersei will not relent, she will attack. If you remove the clutches and safeties she needs to survive (Jamie, access to Tommen, her beauty), she will not die. All he did was remove the small amount of humanity she had left. What remains is monstrous.
In the end, High Sparrow locked the sept so that the nobles, including most of House Terrell, could not leave, thus falling into her trap. Cersei then unleashed the Wildfire the Mad King kept under the city, destroying all of her enemies at once, including a smug little Sparrow.
All hail the Mad Queen.
5. Craster
Killed By: Karl Tanner
A horrible wildling man that rules over Caster’s Keep, a compound made of his 19 daughter-wives, who he rapes to produce more daughter-wives. If one of his unfortunately wives has a son, he takes the babe outside to be sacrificed to the White Walkers.
Among his misdeeds he fathered a son by his daughter Gilly who he tries to kill, knocks out Jon Snow, who he deems a threat to his way of life, and attempts to kill a few of the Knight’s Watch. In the end, he was killed by another awful character. So yay.
4. Tywin Lannister
Killed By: Tyrion Lannister
Besides giving Stannis a good run for Father of the Year, the elder Lannister had many skills other that fatherhood: lying, thieving, killing, betraying, the list goes on and on…
The father of Jaime, Cersei and Tyrion was a cold, heartless man without a shred of loyalty or love in his veins. His list of misdeeds include turning on the Targaryen’s when he promised to serve, attempting to execute his son Tyrion for crimes he didn’t commit, using Cersei as a pawn in his quest for power, and of course the usual resume skill set for a “GoT” villain: killing, torture and betrayal.
Sadly, he was the smartest Lannister. And after he was killed by Tyrion, the Lannisters were left to Cercei, who promptly began to sink the kingdom.
NEW: 3. Walder Frey
Killed By: Arya Stark
The mastermind behind the Red Wedding that look out a large percentage of Starks finally got his in the season 6 finale…and from a Stark, no less.
While sitting in the throne room of Riverend, Frey is served a meat pie by a masked Arya, aka the worst waitress in the world. As he calls for his sons, he is told that they are right there. In front of him. On the table. He lists the crust to show a human thumb.
Arya unmasks and explains that the last thing he will see is a Stark smiling down on his as he dies. Glorious.
2. Ramsay Bolton
Killed By: Sansa Stark, with help from his doggies
There was honestly no reason for this horror of a human being to exist other than for audiences to hate him.
His list of sins is a mile long. This was a man who castrated Theon Greyjoy and raped Sansa, and those weren’t even people that he hated. He killed for sport and tortured for fun. He fed his stepmother and his baby brother to his dogs right after he stabbed his father.
After years of watching Bolton killed beloved characters and innocent Stark supporters, it was lovely to watch Jon Snow beat his face in on the battlefield. But the honor of killed this mother-fucker was given to Sansa.
Audiences were treated by his slow death of watching his horrible hounds eat his face as Sansa watched. As when she turned around to smile, we shared her glee.
1. Joffrey Baratheon
Killed By: Olenna Tyrell
The child king with a sadistic streak was everyone’s first true hate on “GoT.” The spoiled incestuous spawn of Cersei and Jaime enjoyed nothing more than torturing was supposed “wife to be” Sansa and killed kind-hearted hookers like Ros.
Like Ramsay, he killed for sport, but never went pro the way that Bolton did. He was also a coward and preferred to hide and have others do his dirty work.
Remember: This is the shit that had Ned Stark beheaded.
In the end, he was killed by his future grandmother-in-law Olenna Tyrell, who wanted to protect her favorite granddaughter from a life of torture. Poisoned at his own wedding, audiences watched in joy as Joffrey turned five shades of purple before he died in spectacular fashion.
It. Was. Glorious.