Today was a cool, rainy Sunday in NYC, and I spent most of it running around looking for a new pair of sneakers. I came home empty handed, but that’s another sad story.
The main sad story of tonight is the MTV Video Music Awards.
Remember when this show really meant something?
Remember when MTV actually SHOWED MUSIC VIDEOS ALL OF THE TIME?
Probably not if you were born after 1985. I think that MTV should change their name, because they could obviously care less about music, and they obviously don’t know what good television is.
But everything about music (and the way we all obtain and listen to music) has changed. I guess this makes me old, sad, and cranky about how kids today have ruined everything.
THEY HAVE A TWITTER JOCKEY. SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
I only recognize two MTV talking heads from the 90’s – that big Black guy with the neck that’s 20 inches around and the monster dreads who looks like a Predator creature…what’s-his-name – Sway (did he cut his hair? He’s still wearing a big hat.)
Good GRIEF he’s got a big head. And there’s that cute girl, Suchin Pak. She is now thanking the viewers for voting online for the outfit she’s wearing. She should send them all a virus.
Thankfully this show is only 2 hours long, from 9 to 11. Remember when it used to be 3 hours long, and then go past midnight? Ugh, I’m really getting bummed out and it’s only 8:15.
**ON THE WHITE CARPET – A.K.A. THE CARPET THAT HAD NO REAL MUSIC STARS**
Some singer or Rapper named Jay Sean just showed up with 4 hookers. I think he’s an East Asian guy from London. He’s babbling on with an MTV host I don’t know also an East Asian guy from London). They are blathering on about Nicki Minaj and how they can’t WAIT to see her pre-show performance.
Ugh, there’s Snooki.
Ooooh, the Predator is giving out the first awards of the night!
*Best Dance Video – Lady GaGa’s “Bad Romance.”
*Best Collaboration Video – Lady GaGa & Beyonce for “Telephone.” I really do like that video. Amazing look, outfits, “story line” and costumes. You need to watch it if you haven’t seen it yet.
Oh, a commercial for the Broadway musical In The Heights (which I don’t like because they stole the TONY from the amazing show Passing Strange. The female lead is now Jordin Sparks. Remember her? Yea, she WON American Idol a few years ago – remember? I wonder why Broadway has become the dumping ground for American Idol winners and finalists. That’s right, I’m talking to you Fantasia, Constantine, Todrick Hall, Taylor Hicks, Clay Aiken, Ace Young, Diana DeGarmo, Josh Strickland, and Tamrya Gray.
Who was Todrick Hall?
Okay, back to the white carpet. Oooh, there’s Usher and his protégé, JUSTIN BIEBER!
It is now 8:30. I have to make lunch for tomorrow. BRB.
Okay, I’m back. And just in time to see that no talented Nicki Minaj with Will.I.Am. She usually lip syncs, but she actually has a live mic. I wish she was faking it. She’s wearing a pink & purple skintight cat suit with a pink beehive wig.
OMG – is that Will.I.am? He’s in an all black outfit, AND HIS FACE, NECK ARE PAINTED BLACK. He looks like a total idiot. Ugh, and he still has that stupid Gumby-esque haircut. Except now it’s a molded plastic “wig.” I hope someone calls Devo and they beat his ass.
Ahhhh, the song is over. Thank goodness.
I’m not so sure that this years host is gonna go over that well. Chelsea Handler has the honor, and I don’t think that much of the kids these days know who she is. I LOVE her books, and her talk show is kinda funny. This is gonna be a trial by fire for her. And of course we all (well, not you) have to wait until the last 5 minutes for the man of the night, KANYE WEST to show up and do his thing.
FINALLY, it’s 9:00 and the show is starting!
YAY, it’s Marshall Mathers!
He looks angry. He’s rapping his new song, “I’m Not Afraid.” He’s looking down at a teleprompter for his lyrics. Then he moves on stage with about 50 drummers, and some random Black guy who is rapping backup. Ooh, there’s Rihanna! She’s got on a bright red wig with a sparkly headband. Her clothing looks dated, a white camisole and white tulle ballerina skirt with combat boots.
Hey Rihanna, Carrie Bradshaw called, she wants her outfit back.
Here’s Chelsea, sending up Lady GaGa, complete with backup dancers, a crazy outfit, and a cardboard house on her head. She released a dove from a box on her crotch. The crowd is cheering for her, so I guess they know who she is. She is the first female host in 16 years. She just announced that she stayed sober all week to prepare, but somehow now, she’s “as high as a kite.” And she really sounds like it. Her jokes were pretty good, but most fell flat.
Look, there’s Justin Bei…oh no, it’s Ellen DeGeneres.
WHEN I ANNOUNCE THE AWARD WINNERS, I WILL NOT LIST ALL OF THE NOMINEES – mostly because you’ve probably only seen the winning clip anyway.
**BEST FEMALE VIDEO – Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance.” I really like that song. And I just LOVE what she’s wearing – it’s from Alexander McQueen’s last runway show. FABULOUS! She thanked a lot of people, including “The gays for making this video over and over again.” She also had discharged soldiers with her (not sure if they were gay), and honored them. Very classy!
9:18 commercial break!
Annnnnnnnnnd, we’re back.
**BEST ROCK VIDEO – 30 Seconds To Mars – “Kings And Queens.” Looks like that Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto) kid is really serious about his band!
Kim Kardashian was just announced as a “fashion icon.”
Really? She presented Justin Beiber. He’s outside the Nokia Theater singing a song that I think is called “Baby” because that’s all he’s singing. The crowd of girls is amazing. He’s lip synching. His backup dancers are killing it.
I wonder when the new season of America’s Best Dance Crew is coming on.
Sorry, I drifted off, but his dancers are amazing! Oh, now Justin is playing the drums. The crowd is going nuts! Not bad for a kid with a weird haircut.
Oh, here’s Usher. He looks like he raided Will.I.am’s closet. At least he is REALLY SINGING. Lots of dancing, lasers, and lights going on.
**BEST MALE VIDEO – Eminem!
Here’s some band I’ve never heard of – Florence And The Machine. The lead singer chick has red hair. I think I heard the song on “Grey’s Anatomy” commercial. Oh wait, it’s Paramore. Interesting song. She’s dressed like a Grecian Goddess or something, and the song sort of sounds like a Gospel tune.
Cut to some stage outside, and N.E.R.D. is performing on a platform with a car on it. Commercial tie in.
Oooh, there are almost a million VMA related Tweets! Thank you Twitter Jockey. Sheesh.
**BEST POP VIDEO – Lady GaGa! – Bad Romance. She’s in another McQueen confection that she can hardly walk in. She’s nominated for 13 and this makes 4 so far.
She’s singing a sad sounding song that I think is called, “You’re Still An Innocent.” She was barefoot and sullen.
Guess what! There are now 1,064,755 TWEETS! Woo-HOO!
The time is now 10:19
Oh look, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!
Oh, he’s a part of the cast of that movie about Faceplace.
He’s introducing that smug jackass Drake (with MJB and Swizz Beats).
Alright, the time is now 10:32. Let’s get the show in the road people!
Chelsea is back in her 4th wardrobe change, and her makeup looks a little smeared. The cast of The Jersey Shore is onstage IN A HOT TUB. Chelsea just got in the tub with them in her dress. Classy!
Here’s that Columbian sex bomb from that show “Modern Family.” I can’t understand a word she’s saying.
**BEST HIP HOP VIDEO – What did she say? Oh, Eminem – Not Afraid
There’s Selina Gomez (why is she famous?) and Ne-Yo (when is he gonna come out already) They introduced B.o.B., Bruno Mars, and Hayley Williams, performing B.o.B.’s hit songs “Don’t Let Me Fail,” and “Airplanes.” Then Hayley went on to sing a song with her band, Paramore.
Good GRIEF – It’s 10:46. Is Lady GaGa gonna perform?
**BEST NEW ARTIST – Justin Beiber! As he’s running onstage, his pants are falling down. Ugh.
It is now 10:54
Why is Linkin Park singing at the Griffith Observatory? Why are they on here at all? I thought this show ended at 11? WTF, I have to go to bed. I have to be at school by 7:45 – shit! These guys sound like a very angry Depeche Mode. Not good.
OMG, it’s CHER! In her “Turn Back Time” leotard. Great wig! It’s 11:05
**VIDEO OF THE YEAR – Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance” This chick has made about 5 costume changes! She handed her purse that looked like a piece of raw steak to Cher and announced that her new album is called “Born This Way.”
Here is the man of the two hours – KANYE WEST!
He walked out into the middle of the stage, dressed in red form head to toe with a black t-shirt. Playing an 808. Girls come on stage and they’re running around with drapery flying around. He sings, and ballerinas come out. They’re dressed in taupe tutu’s and ballet shoes. He said “assholes” and “douchebags” in his lyric.
Um, they don’t get bleeped? Now there’s another guy on stage. I don’t know who he is, but he god bleeped 5 times in less than 60 seconds. Oh no, Kanye’s singing with that damn Autotune crap.
Okay, more bad lyrics, lights, then fireworks – BANG. It’s over!
No follow up. I guess you’re supposed to go online and watch the after crap.
They didn’t immediately replay it either. Remember when they used to do that?
This show was a BIG SNOOZE – nothing dangerous, exciting, scandalous, crazy. I miss watching drunk Guns-N-Roses members, I loved it when Puff Daddy had big, extravagant numbers with confetti cannons, feathers, fireworks, and kangaroos.
There were NO STARS at this show. Who in the hell is Ashley Greene and why is she at this award show?
Oh well, it’s 11:20 and I’m gonna go to bed. I guess MTV will repeat it. Or at least tweet about it. ‘Cuz I won’t.