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The 2010 American Music Awards is a Big, Fat Turkey RANT

Ahhhh yes, it’s that time of year again. Thanksgiving is a few days away, and I’m gonna give you your turkey early!

I used to LOVE this show back in the day.

You know, when music was better, and it was exciting to see what hair Janet Jackson was going to wear, and how drunk Slash and Duff were gonna be when they staggered up to the podium.

Or how nutty Lionel Richie was gonna be.

Remember this?

Yea well, the big draw tonight is that the Back Street Boys and New Kids On The Block are PERFORMING TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! Really? I’m not sure I care, but it is outrageous. OUTRAGEOUS!

Rihanna opens the show with her Crayola red wig (I don’t think the color looks good on her) in a jagged metal tree sculpture while singing her song “Love The Way You Lie Part 2” and 3 other songs that takes up almost 10 minutes. The tree lights up, fog comes out, and she appears in a black and white bandeau top with boy shorts and a scarf wrapped around her hips, what the hell is this outfit? High heeled booties, loads of hip shaking, gyrating, and sexy backup dancers.

Beyonce called, and she wants her throne back.

Here comes Heidi Klum. I wonder why.

Best Pop/Rock Group – The Black Eyed Peas. Seriously? Ohhh right, the American people voted. Will.I.am is wearing a hat made out of Legos. I hate that guy.

Now I see lasers, and Enrique Iglesias, with his friend Pitbull. This is awful. The best thing is that Enrique FINALLY burned that fucking mole off of his face. Whew!

Damn, no break – they jump right to a Gothic set with red candles and fog and rose petals on the floor. It’s Miley Cyrus in a leftover gown from Francis Ford Coppola’s “Dracula.” Apparently she WAS supposed to sing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn,” but thought it would be in bad form because of the supposed affair between her mother and Brett Michaels. I think she should have sung that instead of this mess she’s singing now.

We’re back from commercial and I see a dark stage with a girl in an Alexander McQueen looking dress with a cloak. Then I hear a familiar voice, it’s Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy-Dirty Money or whatever the hell he calls himself. He’s in black from head to toe except for a HUGE diamond studded cross and platinum and diamond fronts on his LOWER teeth. There’s a fake band on stage. I think this song is called “Comin’ Home.” It’s slow and boring but he keeps yelling at everyone to wave their hands in the air, but they just don’t seem to care.

Remember when HE used to be cool and exciting?

What the hell is this mess?

Here’s Jessica Alba to announce the Favorite Country Female Artist. The winner? TAYLOR SWIFT. No surprises there. It’s her 3rd win in this category. She’s giving her speech without a problem, but what’s with the “Ghetto Girl” go to straight styled wig? You know what I’m talking about – it’s bone straight with bangs across the front. Kanye’s not around so she’s taking her time.

Samuel L. Jackson introduces Kid Rock. He still looks like a drowned rat with that nasty goatee and stringy hair. What the hell was Pam Anderson thinking? He’s singing a slow song with two guys on acoustic guitars, whining about how Detroit is being shut down. Hey Kid, Bob Seger called. He wants his schtick back.

This is horrible, the show has come to a screetching halt. Thank goodness a commercial is coming on. I’m sooooooo bored.

Oh here are the Black Eyed Peas. Stupid Will.I.am.a jerk with that plastic gumby thing on his head. Why are they trying SO HARD to be futuristic? It just does not work and I want them to stop. They stink! I’m tired!

Annnnnnnnnd we’re back. Oh my, it’s Katy Perry, and she’s dressed like a big, red, tinsel Xmas ornament, coming down from heaven! The song stinks, but they ripped off her dress and she’s in a glittery red leotard. Backup dancers with flares shooting off while she sings “Fireworks” Ooooh how original! At least she’s not wearing a wig. Sheesh.

Here’s Niki Minaj and two black guys introducing the best “Soul R&B Female Award” to Rihanna.

Hey Niki, Lady Ga Ga called, she wants her drag back. Her outfit is so stupid I won’t even let you look at it.

Yaaay, Willow Smith! Boo, she’s not whipping her hair. She introduced another pipsqueak, Justin Bieber. Sounds like his voice is changing. I like his sneaker/boots.

Sorry, I was on the phone with my sister while some Country guy got an award. And now, Bon Jovi is performing. Oh yeah, they did a Country album. Oh shit, but now the lights have gone up and they’re singing “You Give Love A Bad Name” and “It’s My Life.” Jon’s voice is cracking. This is so bad.

It’s 9:18 and I REALLY want to go to bed because this show IS SO BORING. All I can think of is THIS.

What in the hell is going on with this Old Navy commercial? “Doing The Gobble?” People dancing around like turkeys? Really? And it sounds like that skanky Kei$ha girl is singing it. Ooooh, how cutting edge. NOT.

Justin Beiber just got the “Breakthrough Award?” Hasn’t he been out for over a year already? Are we really sure Ellen Degeneres didn’t give birth to him?

Oh, here’s Pink. She’s pretty low key for her. I guess because she’s pregnant (congrats!) But she’s got a zillion backup dancers jumping around on trampolines, doing flips, hanging from the ceiling, it’s like a circus with Hip Hop clothing, balloons, and streamers! Take THAT Diddy-Dummy-Daddy. It’s 9:37 and I’m trying not to fall asleep.

Let’s go back to 1984 for a minute please –

Uh boy, here’s Ne-Yo being unoriginal again. He wants to be Michael Jackson sooooooooooo badly. When is he going to stop that shit?

Here’s Taylor Swift, coming down from the ceiling with a piano, and a wig with bangs. She’s a snoozer, singing that song about Kanye – oops, she mixed it up with the lyric “It’s Too Late To Apologize!” SNAP! Girl puts on a wig and gets all ghetto on his ass, YES!

What, Justin Bieber is winning another award?

Let’s look at KISS and Lenny Kravitz instead…

Oh no, I just saw a commercial for “Skating With The Stars.” Vince Neil? Oh right, he already sold out when he was on VH1 getting a facelift a few years ago. I wonder what kind of publishing deal he’s got, because obviously it’s not that great.

Uh oh, here’s Christina Aguilera! She looks a little chubby but the wig looks great.

Now let’s look at some tweets from the AMA website!

“With ALL due respect to Bon Jovi, why are they the heaviest rock band on the bill? P.S. Lady Gagup sucks.”

“I agree she sucks big time.”


“Lady GaGa DOES NOT SUCK! YOu know who sucks?! Gay Beiber! He sucks!! Lady GaGa’s the NEW Queen of Pop . SHE IS AWESOME. SO YALL HATERS SHUT UP!”

That’s interesting, right? No. Not it is not.

Okay, it’s 10:10 and I just can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry people, but this show is just awful. Now Usher is on doing HIS Michael Jackson imitation.

Here’s why I’m going to go to bed now;

  1. This show sucks
  2. I have to get up at 5:15 tomorrow because I’m a high school teacher who has to be at school at 8:00
  3. I went out last night and I’m still slightly hungover from way too many margaritas and tequila sunrises. That’s right, I drank them with Don Henley, so there!
  4. This show sucks.
  5. I just can’t stay up to watch NKOTB and BSB perform together for the first time ever. Why do I care about that?
  6. This show sucks. Did I say that already?

Anyway, I’m sure the rest of the show will suck. Oh look, it’s sucking right now – Train is performing that fucking “Hey Soul Sister” song. What is this? They’ve got girls runnin on stage with t-shirts on that say SOUL SISTER on them, but only two of them are black!

I wonder if Mister Mister is getting a cut of that crap. If they start with “Drops Of Jupiter” I’m gonna shoot out my television, Elvis Presley style.
Okay, in the time it took to write that, a commercial for Good Morning America came on. They have an exclusive with the Porn star who was in that hotel room with Charlie Sheen. “I thought he was going to kill me.” – she says. Right.

The show is back on and that skank Kei$ha is performing. It looks like she washed her hair! Singing another song that sounds just like her first two hits. Who does she collaborate with, Ace Of Base?
Okay, I just got some photos to post, so now it’s 10:55 and the big collaboration is on. Their voices sound HORRIBLE, the mash-up of songs SUCKS, and they look very old and tired. Now I’m REALLY pissed.

Alright, that’s it. I’m going to bed. It’s 10:52 and I’m miserable. I hope you enjoyed this turkey and that you have a great holiday weekend!

Love,
Crystal

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