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Hey Paula, Your “Live To Dance!” Show Really Stinks RANT!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Ohhh yes, the holidays are over and I’m ready for action in 2011!

It’s January, and you know what that means…AWARD SEASON HAS BEGUN! And in about 45 minutes the first (and probably worst) of the bunch, The People’s Choice Awards will come on. 

Queen Latifah is the host. I’ll probably turn it off by 8:20 or so. 

But I digress.

THE REAL REASON I’M HERE IS BECAUSE OF PAULA ABDUL!

That’s right kids, sheeeeeeeeeeees baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

And nuttier than ever.

Her new show is called “Live To Dance!” and I’m guessing that this is her big middle finger to the producers of American Idol (which starts in a few weeks – can’t wait!) and Simon Cowell.

Anyway, as I expected, this show is a mess. I turned it off after about sixteen minutes. Then I fed my cat.

Then I turned it back on.

Then I turned it off and went to bed. I couldn’t take two hours of that mess. And yes, I will watch it next week.

How can I not?

It was number one last night (for at least 15 minutes – I read The Biggest Loser won the night.)

What makes this show craptastic?

1 – Paula Abdul. She’s super chipper, bubbly, giggly, jumpy, wiggly, batty, and possibly medicated.

2 – The other two “experts”. One is a blonde-haired chick with a haircut from an out-of-control Flowbee who was announced as, “One of the founders of The Pussycat Dolls.” I wonder if Robin Antin knows that. And the other judge is some bald, Black queen who supposedly choreographed stuff for Michael Jackson. How do we know that? It’s mentioned a million times and he had his photo taken with him. These two judges pretty much remain nameless, and rightly so.

3 – The contestants. Paula wants EVERYONE TO KNOW that you’re never too old or too young to dance, so the competition is open to EVERYONE OF ALL AGES and ALL KINDS of dance. Which I guess is cool.

a. There were break dancing tots

b. There was a break dancing (if you could call it that) “Soccer Mom” who did the “Robot.” If you could call it that.

c. There was a group of break dancing teenagers.

HEY PAULA – If I want to see good break dancing, I’ll watch America’s Best Dance Crew on MTV, okay? You’ve gotta have some kind of limit.

d. There was a couple made up of a 80-something year old woman with a 60-something year old man who started out to a Waltz, and then…THEY DID SOME BREAK DANCING. AND YES, THEY DID THE ROBOT.

e. Three of the original SOLID GOLD DANCERS were on (yes, including the Black chick who had that long hair) and did a very short number. The judges gave them the boot (and rightly so because they were lame), but the audience demanded that they get another chance and go to the next round.

AND THE JUDGES CAVED! The bald, Black queen said something like, “I started dancing because of you ladies on Solid Gold. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. So I’m gonna give you another chance.”

Awwwwwwwwwwwww, isn’t that nice? I’m sure he feels very powerful. As he should.

4 – The prize. It’s five hundred thousand dollars. REALLY? That is some cheap shit for sure.

They chose 30individuals/groups to vie for that “grand” prize. How long is this show going to be on for, three weeks? I can’t wait until this goes head-to-head with Idol.

That’s when I turned it off.

Then I fed my cat.

Then someone on Facebook asked me if I was going to RANT about it, so I turned it back on.

Then I went to bed. Right after I saw the commercial for the upcoming episode of “Celebrity Rehab” where Mackenzie Phillips comes on to talk to Leif Garret, Janice Dickinson and the gang! I can’t wait!

Okay, I have about 5 minutes until the first award show of 2011. Here’s to a year of celebrity train wrecks, cursing on live television, wardrobe malfunctions, Lohan going back to jail and/or rehab, and other good stuff!

Oh, wait a minute – LIVE TO DANCE IS COMING ON BEFORE THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS? The experts are now choosing the 18 groups/individuals who will go on to the live semi-finals. Queen Latifah will be on at 9!

Love,
Crystal

3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Marty Rynearson

    January 6, 2011 at 2:26 am

    Great Rant, Love the Flowbee line. Looking forward to a Rant filled award season!

  2. tc

    January 6, 2011 at 6:03 am

    i sooo don't miss my tv. i couldn't finish watching any of the clips. i think i threw up a little bit in my mouth.

  3. David Terhune

    January 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Best line – "She's super chipper, bubbly, giggly, jumpy, wiggly, batty, and possibly medicated." That says it all!

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