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IN DEFENSE OF
CHARLIE SHEEN

It should come as no surprise that the recent media coverage of Charlie Sheen’s breakdown is a golden ticket for ratings success.

Everyone loves a good train wreck.

But the television networks are going about this whole thing all wrong. Here’s my recommended twelve-step program for Hollywood’s best possible ROI from the madness of Charlie…

STEP ONE
CBS replaces Sheen’s Charles Francis “Charlie” Harper character with a wacky new nephew named Chris Fred “Shy Guy” Harper played by Shia Labeouf.

STEP TWO
CNN broadcasts live coverage of Charlie Sheen’s reaction to the recasting.

STEP THREE
A&E franchises their biggest series with Intervention: Charlie Sheen – a full season-long attempt to get him into rehab. Appearances by major celebrities, naturally.

STEP FOUR
VH-1 develops a new sitcom for Jennifer and Joel Grey, loosely based on the relationship between Charlie and Martin Sheen called Drugs?

STEP FIVE
ION airs nothing but the worst Charlie Sheen movies for twelve consecutive weeks, including The Rookie,
The Wraith, Men at Work, The Wraith, and All Dogs Go To Heaven 2.

STEP SIX
Nick Jr. announces a new season of
Backyardigans filmed entirely on location in Charlie Sheen’s backyard.

STEP SEVEN
TMZ
snags an exclusive interview from Charlie Sheen’s front yard. See what I did there?

STEP EIGHT
ABC
rips off CBS’ Undercover Boss
yet again with Secret Sheen in which Charlie Sheen spends a month with less fortunate celebrities who have no idea he’s really Charlie Sheen until the final episode.

STEP NINE
Logo
cashes in on Charlie’s love for Tranny Porn with a reality program that crosses Showtime’s Family Business
with TLC’s What Not to Wear.

STEP TEN
Sundance
airs a touching documentary entitled Sheen and Stone: When They Had Talent

STEP ELEVEN
SPIKE
brings us 1,000 Ways to Screw Your Career

STEP TWELVE
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
passes on the 3-part miniseries Sheen biopic Tiger Blood.
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