It should come as no surprise that the recent media coverage of Charlie Sheen’s breakdown is a golden ticket for ratings success.
But the television networks are going about this whole thing all wrong. Here’s my recommended twelve-step program for Hollywood’s best possible ROI from the madness of Charlie…
CBS replaces Sheen’s Charles Francis “Charlie” Harper character with a wacky new nephew named Chris Fred “Shy Guy” Harper played by Shia Labeouf.
CNN broadcasts live coverage of Charlie Sheen’s reaction to the recasting.
A&E franchises their biggest series with Intervention: Charlie Sheen – a full season-long attempt to get him into rehab. Appearances by major celebrities, naturally.
VH-1 develops a new sitcom for Jennifer and Joel Grey, loosely based on the relationship between Charlie and Martin Sheen called Drugs?
ION airs nothing but the worst Charlie Sheen movies for twelve consecutive weeks, including The Rookie, The Wraith, Men at Work, The Wraith, and All Dogs Go To Heaven 2.
Nick Jr. announces a new season of Backyardigans filmed entirely on location in Charlie Sheen’s backyard.
TMZ snags an exclusive interview from Charlie Sheen’s front yard. See what I did there?
ABC rips off CBS’ Undercover Boss yet again with Secret Sheen in which Charlie Sheen spends a month with less fortunate celebrities who have no idea he’s really Charlie Sheen until the final episode.
Logo cashes in on Charlie’s love for Tranny Porn with a reality program that crosses Showtime’s Family Business with TLC’s What Not to Wear.
Sundance airs a touching documentary entitled Sheen and Stone: When They Had Talent
SPIKE brings us 1,000 Ways to Screw Your Career
THE HISTORY CHANNEL passes on the 3-part miniseries Sheen biopic Tiger Blood.