I want to extend a big MEA CULPA for being incognegro as of late.
Teaching has been a BIG bummer for me this year, but I’m happy to report that I’m not going back to a full time Visual Art Teacher job in the NYC DOE.
I’m totally burnt out, and could REALLY RANT about it – but this is not the time or place.
Be on the lookout for my book, articles, or one woman show about it in the near future.
I’ve been getting messages from many of you, asking me why I had no RANTS about Charlie Sheen or Donald Trump, and here’s my answer:
Charlie got really boring, really fast, and didn’t set himself on fire or anything like that – YAWN. And “The Donald” is REALLY turning into a first class tool, who is treading on racist waters, political waters, and again, FOG! isn’t really the place for that.
I want to keep it light and fun here while being a crank-ass.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the Celebrity Apprentice this season (Meat Loaf! David Cassidy! Some bimbo who was in Playboy who didn’t fuck Hef! Star Jones! LaToya Jackson!) but it comes on so late on Sunday nights, I can’t stay up to watch it – and then it’s blabbed about so much I don’t get a fresh angle on it.
Anyway – last Saturday, I was totally knackered from a crazy week of teaching, a Friday night DJ gig right after school, and recovering from horrible allergies (they’ve been REALLY bad this year, right?).
So, I wanted to not go out or do anything and decided to catch up on the latest “cycle” of that reality show gem – America’s Next Top Model, which is on the CW.
Y ou know that network, right?
It has Gossip Girl, and some show about a girl who knows a vampire and writes about it in her diary, or some mess.
Yea, THAT network!
I happened to catch AN ALL DAY MARATHON, 6 hours long I think – or maybe 8 (should I be embarrassed by that?) so I saw it from front to back, finishing just before the finale that happens this week.
While I was watching the marathon, I had a few questions…
1 – What happened to most of the winners? I hardly see them in magazines (foreign and domestic), in runway shows (I see a bunch twice a year here in NYC). It seems like they just go *POOF* after they win – kinda like the ‘Best New Artist’ award at the Grammys – their careers usually go in the tank after winning.
2 – I know that certain contestants are considered because they will provide “good tv,” despite how little they actually know about being a model. I’m sorry, but this show has been on SINCE 2003 – you mean to tell me that over half of the girls have never seen the show before and what to expect? Which beings me to
3 – WHY DO MOST OF THE GIRLS CRY AND GET ANGRY WHEN THEY GET THEIR MAKEOVER? Hey stupid, that’s what being a model is – you’re a human mannequin who has to look the way THE CLIENT WANTS YOU TO. DUH!
4 – Why are they so surprised when the “acting challenge” happens. Hey stupid, you have to do a commercial for Cover Girl, remember? DUH!
I just had a conversation with a friend about this. Her take is that just about all of the reality shows suck, because the “winners” all become failures, like The Bachelor, or Survivor.
I said that shows like ANTM, Project Runway, Top Chef, and others of that ilk are different because you have to have SOME KIND OF TALENT to win.
My friend joked that models don’t have to have any talent – but I told her that they have to be VERY talented:
- They have to walk
- They have to talk
- They have to act
- They have to “Smile with their eyes” (This is an original Tyra Banks term)
- They have to find the light
- They have to look at their face and work the angles
- The have to take “what’s wrong” with themselves, and fix it, and/or make it their special feature and exploit it.
- Make their body look like “a broken down baby doll.” Mrs J. loves that.
Believe it or not, those things are kinda hard to do. Can you “smile with your eyes?” I’m just now getting the hang of it.
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| It may frighten your soul, but Tyra swears by it. |
Thanks to Tyra and her boot camp, I know that the right side of my face is the best, despite being pretty symmetrical. I know how to find the light, even during last minute snap shots on someone’s iPhone.
There’s no such thing as having a talent for picking your future wife or husband.
At least 50% of all marriages end in failure. There’s no real talent involved in surviving bug bites and jackasses on an island – that’s just an endurance test.
Now, back to my mystery. What happened to the winners? I’m going to try and remember as many as I can.
SEASON ONE – ADRIANNE
You might remember the first winner because she wound up on a VH1 reality show The Surreal Life, but in it, she met Peter Brady and got the hots for him. And of course, they got their OWN reality show, and wound up getting married.
I did see her in an ad campaign for a diamond jewelry business, but that’s about it. I guess she’s livin’ on “It’s Time To Change” money.
NOT A TOP MODEL!
SEASON TWO – YOANNA
The only reason I remember her is because she was on a “makeover” show on the Style Network for a year or so. Haven’t seen her since. NOT A TOP MODEL!
SEASON THREE – EVA
Oh yea, “Eva The Diva” Pigford. She did some modeling here and there, but she really turned into a pretty good actress. I saw her on some “Black” shows and I think she was in a movie or two.
Stunning face, but NOT A TOP MODEL!
I’m just realizing now that none of these girls are on the scene at all – not in any Victoria’s Secret campaigns or commercials, not on any Sports Illustrated covers. Although they aren’t the be-all end-all of modeling for sure.
Too sexy for a “Top Model” I guess…
Yaya came in second place. She’s become a bit of an actress too. Not so much modeling. NOT A TOP MODEL!
SEASON FOUR – NAIMA
She started out a dancer, and left a model. She had a Mohawk, she was super nice, soft spoken, beautiful, but NOT A TOP MODEL
I don’t remember who won. I think she had brown hair and cried a lot.
She was Black, and from the South – you could barely understand what she said. Great cheekbones. And I think she had a gap between her front teeth.
Caridee. I remember that funny name. Blond hair, blue eyes, big deal.
SEASON 8 – JASLENE – “The Cha-Cha Diva!”
She was the first Latina to win. She said that she broke through and would represent for all of the Latina girls who thought they weren’t good enough to be a model. She looked a lot like Janice Dickenson, who was a “top model” (self-proclaimed FIRST SUPER MODEL), but not as mouthy. NOT A TOP MODEL.
I don’t remember
SEASON 10 – WHITNEY
She was the first PLUS SIZE model to win.
She was determined to make plus size models more mainstream – which we all know will never happen. Not as long as Gay men control the industry.
My sister has seen her in magazines and websites.
Good for her, but NOT A TOP MODEL
I don’t remember the winner
Nope, nuthin’
I do remember that it was the season of models who were 5’7″ and under. I also remember that at one of the auditions, there was a stampede of short gals trying to get in.
I think the winner was another Black girl from the south who had a thick accent.
The winner had Asberger’s Syndrome. She was tall, lanky, awkward, and odd. I liked that gal!
So now we are almost at the end of another season of ANTM.
I want to wish the winner luck, and hopes that she really becomes a TOP MODEL.
And I hope that Tyra comes up with a rock solid definition of what a TOP MODEL actually is.
Be sure to watch the finale!
Love,
Crystal
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