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The 2011 MTV Video Music Awards RANT!

Okay, I just got finished crying my eyes out while watching 60 Minutes because of an AMAZING story about a woman who has a Gospel Singing School for teens, here in NYC.

Check out these links NOW (Part One, Part Two).

Anyway, It looks like I’m gonna keep crying, but for a different reason.

The MTV Video Music Awards are on at 9.

Amazingly enough, I just turned them on while trying to avoid The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, on my way back to watch The Simpsons.

I really forgot that this show was on, that’s how much I avoid MTV these days.

I can’t even think of what videos I’ve seen over the past year that would be enough to make a category in ANY genre.

How much longer can MTV go on with this charade?

They don’t care about music anymore – sheesh!

I thought that the Jersey Shore took over that network

The same way the Kardashian’s took over E!

It’s the pre-show and the time is 8:11, and I don’t know who any of the people with microphones talking to the “musicians” and “bands” are, except for Sway. I’m wondering if he still has dreads, or if he can’t take off that dusty old brown hat. Is there a Darth Vader helmet thing happening here, is it vacuum sealed? Anyway, he’s talking to Demi Lovato now. Who is she? That girl who’s dating Justin Beiber? Why is that boy carrying a snake in his hand.

Here’s how the conversation went.

Demi – “Hello Justin Beiber! Thanks for coming! Tell me, what designer clothing are you wearing?”

Justin – “Uh, I dunno.”

Demi – “Wait, is that a snake? What’s his name?”

Justin – “JOHNSON.”

Did anybody miss that? He made a dick joke for his girlfriend to enjoy. Ahhh, young love.

Oh wait, it’s Cobra Starship, featuring Shaggy. Cobra Starship? I thought they were a Heavy Metal tribute band of some sort. This shit is giving me a headache. Did I even SEE Shaggy?

Oh, and did I forget to mention that this pre-show performance is brought to you by STATE FARM? REALLY? THE INSURANCE COMPANY? WHAT THE FUCK? Just who is the demographic watching MTV these days? OH MY GOD, THIS GIRLS VOICE IS HORRIBLE! Oh, and the guy’s voice is all Auto Tuned. Great.

Oh, there’s that group/band of young Black guys, Odd Future blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Featuring So-and-so the What’s-his-face.

Where is this show being held? Why are people coming down escalators with dry ice machines on them so they can’t see? Oh, I was just told that it’s the Nokia Theater, which doesn’t help. Why does Niki Minaj look like a toy box exploded on her legs, and why is she wearing a face mask that a children’s hospital intern would wear? I’ll tell you why – because this girl ALWAYS wears HIGH FASHION by designers you’ve never heard of, THAT’S WHY.

Here’s a breakdown from Fashionista.com

  1. A pink, yellow and orange wig that looks like very large scoops of sherbert piled atop her head. 
  2. A surgical mask by Japanese designer Shojono Tomo.
  3. In keeping with the frozen desserts theme, an ice cream cone necklace that takes over her entire clavicle.
  4. Diamond-shaped boobs, because what is the VMAs without a pointy boobs moment? 
  5. Metallic purple Transformers-inspired get-up, so that she can transform into whatever slutty ballerina situation is happening underneath. 
  6. The aforementioned slutty ballerina situation. 
  7. Rainbow striped panties. 
  8. Plastic shiny bow bracelets and rings. 
  9. Star-printed tights–probably the most normal thing Nicki has on her person. 
  10. Tsumori Chisato thigh-high socks. 
  11. A big pink and black lace bow garter. 
  12. Another pair of thigh-high socks by Shojono Tomo with drawings of comic book characters having seizures all over them.. 
  13. One or two more pairs of socks? With pom-poms on them? 
  14. Footwear: Pretty sure her left and right feet don’t match. On the right foot, there is something that vaguely resembles a red Chinese dragon. Or a red furry duck. On the left foot…no idea.

Who are these VJ’s? DO THEY EVEN CALL THEMSELVES VJ’S ANYMORE? They all seem to be gay extras from Mad Men. Shirts and ties? WTF?

Oh my goodness, and what is with the HASHTAG shit? All of these video screens, I have to text in to vote for something, I gotta check who’s trending on Twitter! AAAAGGHHHH! Am I THAT old because I don’t have an IV line from my iPhone into my vein? I’m hardly on Twitter, so I guess I don’t get it.

LMFAO = More of Berry Gordy’s kids. At least half of that group. Hot mess.

Holy CRAP! There’s what’s-his-name in 30 Seconds To Mars! Why did he give up acting? Why is he wearing a dress from 1983? I wonder…

Okay, one minute until the show star – LADY GAGA! HOOORAY!

OOOOOH, SHE’S A DRAG KING! She’s Joe Calderone. A dude with Fonzie’s hairdo, a dirty white t-shirt, and black pants and loafers.

Wow. Okay, this audition monologue is going on a little too long, people are confused. Alright, she’s starting to sing! OMG – she got JIMMY PAG…, no, wait a minute, BRIAN MAY out there? OH SHIT, HE STOPPED DYING HIS HAIR – I LOVE IT!

Oh crap, it’s, Kevin Hart, the stand up comedian. He’s not that funny. But he’s making a big deal about NOT BEING THE HOST OF THE SHOW. Oh good, MTV doesn’t have hosts, to go along with having no videos. Oh, his little pre-taped segments are kinda funny. Kinda…

BTW, who is this girl with a broken leg, sitting on a chair in front of some band, singing the commercial bumpers?

She sounds pretty good, and can wail, but who in the world is she? WHO WAS THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR FOR THIS SHOW? IT STINKS! Oh wait, she’s standing for this song and she…uh oh. Sorry dawg, you were a little pitchy…uhhhhh, I wasn’t feelin’ that. Ouch.

FIRE THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR!

BEST POP VIDEO – Britney Spears for “Till The World Ends.” – she thanked GOD first! Why isn’t she singing/lip synching?

Okay, here’s Kanye and Jay Z. And it was boring! I don’t have their album yet, but I’m sure sick of hearing this song “Otis” – THIS IS BORING!

The best thing about this show so far is the commercial telling us that BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ARE COMING BACK! OCTOBER 28th!

Pitbull, Ne-Yo, and some girl who really looks like a stripper. Bleccch.

Oh thank GOD! Adele is singing. She’s actually got TALENT, but you’d never know that because she:

1 – Doesn’t have a sex tape

2 – Doesn’t have a drug problem

3 – Isn’t a talentless waste of space.

I’m not even mad that she’s not singing “Rolling In The Deep.” Just her amazing voice and a piano.

Perfect!

I’m SO GLAD that she’s had a best selling album with a hit single. The “industry” doesn’t know what to do with women like her. But that skanky Kei$ha girl? You know the one, she looks like she smells like hot dog water? Yeah, they know EXACTLY how to market her.

And who is THIS band, Andre The Giant – oh what? Their name is what? Oh, it’s YOUNG The Giant? WHAT? Ugh, I’m not even gonna show a picture because I have NO idea who they are, and neither do you.

Justin Beiber thanked GOD AND JESUS! What is with his new look? Old lesbian.

Chris Brown. Apparently he studied Pink’s last tour and decided to do a wire act while he lip synched his totally auto-tuned song. I hate that kid for being a woman beater, but that was totally the best performance of the night so far – NOTICE THAT I SAID PERFORMANCE – NOT SINGING PERFORMANCE. I wonder if he had a long talk with P-Diddy. Will he seek a career with Cirque? I think he should!

Is it me, or does the set design look like the urinal that Duchamp signed? Maybe it’s me.

Okay, so Britney Spears for the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award – and was presented with a gaggle of 10 year old girls dancing to 1,500 bmp samples of her hits with multiple jump-cut mash-ups of her videos behind them. They went through 55 songs in 90 seconds. but then immediately starts talking about Beyonce and then introduces her – what the hell? Say what you want about Brit Brit – but that girl made ZILLIONS of dollars for the industry AND MTV, and THAT’S HOW THEY THANK HER?

MTV, you’re like school in the summertime…NO CLASS.

WAIT – BEYONCE IS PREGNANT?

She started the song by saying, “I want y’all to experience the love, like the love I have growing inside of me,” or something like that. Then when she ended the song, she dropped her mic, unbuttoned her jacket, and rubbed her belly. (I REFUSE TO SAY BABY BUMP – SHIT, I SAID IT!)

LAWD I hope that kid looks like her!

I’m also going to make a prediction. SHE WILL HAVE A GIRL.

Mark my words.

Oh, Cloris Leachman with the Jersey Shore whores. Thank you for beating that dead horse again MTV.

Oy, now a tribute to Amy Winehouse, with Bruno Mars? WHO DECIDED TO DO THIS? AGAIN I SAY, FIRE THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR!

Okay, so Russell Brand came out and repeated his tweet about Amy’s brilliance, and that was nice. TONY BENNETT is there, and they show a clip of the two of them recording a song for his upcoming album, but then Bruno Mars comes out and sings a cover song that Amy didn’t write? WHY COULDN’T THEY GET SOME PEOPLE TO SING HER SONGS? Shit, I just saw Ronnie Spector totally CRUSH “Back To Black” a few weeks ago – she could have sung with Tony! This is just stupid.

Okay, and Katy Perry copped the VIDEO OF THE YEAR for “Firework.” Why does she have a yellow cube on her head? Did Q*Bert try to kill her? Why didn’t she sing “Friday” with that girl who can’t sing, but was all over You Tube? Now THAT would have been a moment! You blew it MTV! – Remember when Pee Wee Herman came on and told a joke after his sex scandal? SMART!

Okay, it’s 11:21 and I’m over this crap. Oh shit, here’s ‘Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj. I think Nicki won an award. I don’t remember if it was for the song “Superbass,” which SHOULD have been THE HIT OF THE SUMMER, but it wasn’t that big. I am growing ever so weary of her nutty drag. Yeeesh. Yeah, I’m posting this again, because you DID miss something the first time. Trust me.

Hate me if you want to, but I CAN’T STAND ‘Lil Wayne. I think he’s HORRID.

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Okay, that’s it – he ended the show. I wonder why this thing is still on. You know what? I think that they should say fuck it and do a “Greatest Hits” edition and get Janet Jackson to stuff from “Control,” and get Motley Crue to do “Dr. Feelgood,” and get some other old war horses to trot out there. That would be AWESOME! Yeah man, show the kids of today what MUSIC was REALLY LIKE WHEN IT WAS GOOD. BEFORE AUTO TUNE!

Okay, I have to get back to looking for a job. I’m not going back to full time teaching. It’s killing me.

Love,

Crystal

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