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THE TOP TEN TAXIDERMY NO-NOs

Taxidermy is one of those things that both repulses and interests me.  I guess it comes from the fact that my dad had a collection of taxidermy animals around his house that were interesting but were all posed in such threatening ways that it was remarkable that none of them came alive at night and ate off my face (which was a reoccurring nightmare of mine).

But it seems that taxidermy has gotten seriously f*cked up these days and as someone who grew up with dead animals bolted to stands in her bedroom, I feel it is my job to share with you some serious no-nos when it comes to shoving shit into a dead animal.

So follow me after the break…I promise to be sensitive to your dead animal phobia.


10. Finger Puppets: At no time should small animals be used to stage finger puppet theater for children. This will cause said children to run screaming from the room and turn into serial killers.

9. Mythical Animals: As much as you want to believe in unicorns, they do not exist. Making one out of a dead pony and a goat doesn’t make it come true either so lay down the sharp knife and perhaps take a nap.

8. Dead Mouse Flash Drive: I don’t care how many times you lose a flash drive there is never a reason to make your own out of a white mouse with red LED eyes…Never.

7.A “What’s That Smell?” Chair: Oh I get it. You’re being funny what with the whole, dead-animal-in-your-lazyboy. Ha, ha funny man, that’s really hilarious.

6. And to go with your dead animal chair…a nice end table made out of a heifer…classy.

5. Prom Night Wear: Really? A Mouse bow-tie. Good thinking, you’ll definitely get laid wearing that.

4. Unless of course you meet a girl who wears this, a guinea pig hair clip

3. The diorama: It’s creepy and it’s played. Let’s just move away from this alright?

2. Whatever the f*ck this is: Putting pieces of animals together isn’t funny, it’s psychotic and worse, the person you give this to as a gift will have to unwrap it and pretend it’s exactly what they wanted…don’t be a dick.

1. Aunt Sheila. Okay, so the fact that your crazy aunt will be missed is reasonable. Mounting her head above the couch is not. Sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

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