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| By Matthew Kiddman |
Life in the universe of Battlestar Galactica Online can be a dangerous place, especially if you’re a human chased by the Cylons.
Centurians and Raiders can be cold-hearted killing machines, but what makes survival even more of a pain is the fact that some humanoid Cylons look just like you or me. Some Cylon sleeper agents aren’t even aware that they’re toasters with “skinjobs” until they end up casually assassinating someone.
This leaves many to wonder: “Am I a Cylon too?” Fear not brave warriors of Battlestar Galactica Online! We’ve compiled a list of ten helpful questions for you to be sure that you’re a primate and not a toaster. As for those of you who find yourselves meeting these criteria well … that’s between you and your maker.
Do you enjoy destroying planets and/or a more-than healthy amount of sabotage?
A Cylon enjoys explosions as much as the next human, but if you ever find yourself wanting to devastate not one, but multiple colonies on any given Sunday afternoon, you may be a Cylon. The Cylons managed to destroy all twelve human colonies and subjugate their survivors almost in a single blow. Not to mention, the first human defenses were lowered thanks in part to the work of an undercover, humanoid Cylon. This foxy toaster managed to sabotage an entire species.
Do you find yourself unnaturally hating humans?
If your lack of people skills dips into a general distain for all things human, you may be a Cylon. There’s a list of typical reasons for zoo- and xenophobia, usually starting with a disagreement over mono- vs. polytheistic beliefs or an aversion to metallic skin, but for a Cylon it starts with the human’s lack of respect for machines. Humans put Cylons to work for centuries as warriors and cheap labor, which can leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth. If you find yourself resenting humans for similar reasons, you may just be a Cylon.
Have you ever considered killing your parents/masters?
The Cylons’ frequent (but not universal) characteristic of hating humans often leads them to consider killing their own parents and former masters. It’s important to note here that the desire to kill one’s own parents is often a common side effect of puberty and therefore can’t be attributed to being a Cylon alone. However, in the Battlestar Galactica Online universe, this clearly manifests itself in the form of shooting down colonial aircraft and swanning about the galaxy to hunt for more humans.
Do you suffer from selective amnesia?
Ever wake up to the gut-wrenching question of: “Did I assassinate someone last night?” This is typical of Cylon sleeper agents, which if you’re reading this list, you may very well be. Sharon “Boomer” Valerii didn’t know she was a Cylon, until she awoke from her own programmed mission. She ultimately chose to help the humans, which we can only pray that you will do too if you realize that you’re a Cylon.
Has your strength or stamina ever been referred to as “near superhuman”?
The technology used to create Cylons enables them to have superhuman strength and stamina. If you look back on your childhood (which could be a bunch of programmed lies anyway) and see that you won one too many track and field trophies, you may in fact be a Cylon.
Do you find yourself drawn to technology and can easily relate to your appliances?
Talking to one’s self is a strangely common trait across the universe, but if you find that you do most of yours in the break room with your microwave; or worse, at breakfast with your toaster, you may in fact be a Cylon. Cylons feel a natural attraction to other mechanical objects; the side effects of which include: singing, general merriment and philosophical discussions with refrigerators.
Are you able to connect to computer systems or communicate telepathically?
The Cylons love and close kinship to other forms of technology, such as toasters, make them capable of connecting to computer systems in ways that, well … humans just can’t. Another common sign is telepathic communication between similar models of the same humanoid Cylon series.
Have you been told one too many times that you’re the spitting image of someone else?
Humanoid Cylons are produced in series of identical copies, which share a common memory via downloading stations. This often leads to confusion at Cylon family functions and routine cases of déjà vu. The unhealthiest side effect of this is extreme identity crisis.
Do your day dreams border on hyper realistic?
Thanks to an ability known as “projection”, Cylons are able to form vivid images which go beyond human daydreaming. These visions can include, but are not limited to: recreating forests in space, actual sensations of touch and smell and the creation of non-existent persons. Should you find yourself expressing your own subconscious desires or emotions in such vivid form, you may be a Cylon.
Has your spine ever lit up during an intimate moment?
The final and most telltale sign of being a Cylon is the warm red glowing of your spine when sharing an intimate moment with the person you love. This blatant red glow may not always be immediately perceived, but should your loved one suddenly yell: “What the frak?!” and tell you that your spine is glowing, you are indeed a Cylon.
So good luck pilots and keep up the good fight in Battlestar Galactica Online!
