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ON BROADWAY – Priscilla Queen Of The Desert RANT


Hello friends!

I’m writing to you from NYC – the day after our first WINTER STORM…IN OCTOBER!

I was out in the slush for a little bit last night, and it was miserable – cold, strong winds, big, wet snowflakes, and cold. And rain. And cold.

But I digress. I’m really here to tell you about one of the worst shows on Broadway, Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.

A few weeks ago, I started seeing commercials for the show, with voice overs by Bette Midler, who is a Producer of the show. They were running about 25 times a day on the local ABC station. I had a feeling that something was up, because whenever you see a commercial for a show with a celebrity endorsement, that usually means it’s in trouble.

And I was right.


I hardly remember the film from 1994, but I do remember that it was a bunch of crossdressing queens who were traveling on a bus through a desert in Australia. I remember that Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce, Terence Stamp all starred in the film (how CRAZY is it that Agent Smith once was a Drag Queen!?!?), and that I remember the Oscar winning costume designer for Priscilla wore a dress made of American Express Gold credit cards. Remember that dress?

Right – so now all these years later, a bunch of people decide to put the show up on Broadway. It’s a “jukebox Musical” that is appealing to just about everyone.

Except me.

I will admit that at one point I did want to see this show because of the amazing costumes I saw on the commercials.

And I assumed that the set design would also be over the top, glittery, queeny fabulousness.

But it wasn’t

When my Editor contacted me and asked me if I wanted to see it – I jumped at the chance! And then when I got the information from the publicity company, I knew that something was up.

Why?

Because they were INSISTING that I go to a pre-show party WITH FREE COCKTAILS, and then go to an after show party – WITH COCKTAILS! Don’t get me wrong, I love free booze, but if they’re trying to get me drunk BEFORE AND AFTER THE SHOW? That means big trouble.

So I invited one of my best friends (who is a Broadway actor) to come with me and keep me company.

We made it to a difficult to find bar that was a few blocks away from the theater. It was PACKED with executives from the nearby office buildings, and lots of people drinking very pink Champagne, holding very pink folders (filled with info about the show) that were being handed out by a VERY uptight guy who was INSISTING that everyone read the contents while drinking. See? Again with the booze!

My friend and I had two cocktails, and then walked over to the show. The inside of the theater was beautiful, with a big, honkin’ Disco Ball hanging from the ceiling. All of the ushers wore bright pink feathered boas, which was kinda cute. Cute until some of the very old audience members were getting tangled up, grabbing at, or slipping on them in the aisles. One tourist just yanked a boa off of an usher to get her photo taken.

This is one of the ushers.

Once we sat down, I checked out the crowd and listened for accents. My friend and I identified accents from Japan, England, Italy, Germany, Russia, and France. I’m almost sure that my friend and I were the only Americans in there. We were the only two in our section who were not carrying around 55 bags of “I LOVE NEW YORK” t-shirts. (THANK YOU TOURISTS!) As we waited for the music to start, I took this photo of the stage…

Yes, that’s a BIG tube of lipstick on stage. And the backdrop is supposed to look like it was drawn with that big tube. It’s a map of the journey the three drag queens take – from Sydney to Alice.

Now I will break it down for you.

1 – This musical has at least 87 songs in it. I am not kidding, I lost count after the first 10 minutes. Just try to recollect every Disco song you’ve ever heard. There were more than that in the show.

2 – The costumes WERE AMAZING! Dresses made of Flip-Flops, wigs made of mops that turn into Cheerleader pom poms, big crazy pants and shoes that were combined together – really great stuff!

3 – The makeup was CRAZY! I’m guessing that at least 150 lbs. of glitter is used in every performance. It’s on the costumes, in the makeup, in the wigs, EVERYWHERE! I have NO IDEA how they would do changes so fast, including a full change of face! CRAZY!

4 – The actors.

A – The lead, Will Swenson who plays Tik/Mitzi, was good, but strained. He’s straight in real life (he’s in a LTR with a famous Broadway actress) and came off like – “I’M REALLY STRAIGHT, BUT LOOK HOW GAY I AM ON STAGE!” In the story line, he was once straight and had a son. Go figure.

B – The “Grande Damme” of the show, Tony Sheldon, plays the transgendered character, Bernadette. She’s been around for a long time, and is the mother figure in the show. Mr. Sheldon has played Bernadette over 1,000 times – between Australia, London, and Broadway. He was the best of the three, but at times seemed to be dialing it in…and no wonder.

C – And then there’s Nick Adams who plays Adam/Felicia. His character is super bratty, hyperactive, and obnoxious. This guy probably spends about 5 hours in the gym every day.

The “Greek Chorus” of the three “DIVAS” women were good. They had some wacky choreography, and could really sing!

There was one thing in the show that seemed VERY disturbing to me. There is a scene in the show (and was in the movie too) where an Asian woman (a former stripper who chattered way too fast with a horrible accent you can’t understand) who’s married to some rough dude from the Outback shoots ping pong balls out of her vagina. The pull off this gag by having her sit in a chair with a hole in it that shoots the ping pong balls WAY UP HIGH into the audience. I was flabbergasted! My friend was stupified! THE AUDIENCE LOVED IT! I thought it was really racist and not nice. The actress, J. Elaine Marcos, was REALLY great though.

During intermission, I used the men’s room, because AS USUAL, there were 62 women in line, and only 5 stalls. It’s not like I haven’t done it before. I walked right in while a guy was using the urinal. Nothing I haven’t seen before.

Once the show was over, my friend went home, and I went to get more free booze before I went home. The uptight guy was back, and buzzing around, asking people how much they LOVED the show. I lied to him. As you can see, I have no “Poker Face.”


Love,
Crystal

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