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I Want To Be a Grown-Up For Christmas

How is it already so close to Christmas?

It’s a few days away, and I swear it was just Thanksgiving.

I know it was.

I know that I was just in Philadelphia staying at the Sofitel to get away from the two sets of families. There’s the drunk couple who came down to the bar in their bathrobes, smashed some glasses and fell down in the lobby. Those two-and-a-half dinners I ate still sit in my belly. And Christmas shopping season already was a month old.

But no, that past four weeks have slipped into the future that is now. The future that’s made me 31 instead of 13.

And it appears that, more than anything, I want to be an adult for Christmas.

What a difficult thing to want when you’re a nerd, however.


So much of nerdery is associated with kids’ stuff. Fantasy novels, cartoons, action figures, model trains, you name it. And to be an adult nerd in our popular culture tends to get you taken for being some kind of arrested-development case. Just like all those movies and TV shows where the nerdy guy meets a regular girl and she teaches him to grow up?

Combine that with Christmas, and you really see how old you are.

It’s true! The heart of Christmas tradition is children: toys, candy, cakes, Santa Claus, baby Jesus. Kids kids kids. Several friends have brought up nostalgia-soaked memories of the Sears Wish Book, but all we have is Facebook. All the toys you lusted after in your youth, and all the toys you ever dreamed of that now exist, you don’t want them now. Or you need to pay rent and get the brakes fixed on the car instead.

I know I’m getting older at Christmas. Any hot gadgets or movies or fun toys I want this year?

No! I want … furniture.

Seriously, furniture. My parents asked me what I wanted this year for my birthday and Christmas (they’re five weeks apart), and I said, “Hmm, I sure could use a loveseat, or some shelving, or a curio cabinet and a TV stand.” What the hell is wrong with me?

Sure, I’ve thought about the wireless headphones and center-channel soundbar to further satisfy my A/V nerd needs, but they’re no bedroom sofa. They’re no set of drapes or slate-wood bathmat. I’d rather have a living-room table worthy of this vintage lamp I bought months ago and still have not found a place for.

The decorating bug catches me, and soon I am caught in a reverie of IKEA, Raymour & Flanigan and Bob’s Discount Furniture all dancing in my head:

Curio cab’nets and dining-room linen,
Wood-paneled loveseats and leather ottomans,
Shelving for novels and wifey’s knitting,
These are a few of my favorite things!

Yup. I don’t even want a Batman action figure. Last year kinda did me in for all that, at least for a while. Getting two giant action figures of Galactus and Spider-Man was enough.

But no, my little blerdy self exclaims!

Look around your apartment, it’s covered in toys and weirdo art. It’s still the house of fun! There’s a whole bookcase full of superhero action figures! A posse of stuffed animals over there! Giant stacks of DVDs and art books about Halloween costumes, Gil Elvgren and DC Comics. You can do this!

Our old couch made of long boxes.  Practical, albeit temporary

But now I think about moving the videos and toys into the spare bedroom, replacing the second bed with a futon, and putting away the slot car racetrack. Yes, it’s a wicked awesome slot car racetrack, with a bridge, banked oval and two – count ’em, two – loop-de-loops. But sometimes I don’t want it sprawled out in the middle of the living room when I’m hosting a dinner party.

Sometimes I worry about my place turning into Pee-wee’s Playhouse. Because Pee-wee Herman, as much as I love him, is a man-child who never has sex. And that’s totally not me. (Miss Yvonne was gorgeous.)

I always feel caught between my Esquire and Pee-wee extremes. That is the delicate dance of the adult nerd: retro kitsch and Doctor Who action figures one day, furniture shopping and tax preparation the next. Totally adult-looking décor for the living room and budoir, crazy-fun stuff in the rest of the house.

So, this is the bedroom, where the magic happens…

It makes for a full life, at least. Because what’s the fun of being into just one way of living? In a world with Internet, every walk of life is in your house for you to pick and choose like never before. Let’s pick and choose together.

So excuse me, I’m off to find a Christmas loveseat to read my Green Lantern comics on, followed by balancing my checkbook.

Merry Nerdmas and Happy Hannudork to all!

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