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| By Steven Segal |
The recent Blu-ray debut of the Star Wars saga serves as a smiting reminder that George Lucas, like a mad scientist enslaved by his own gadgetry and intoxicated by his own power, just can’t leave well enough alone.
He’s incessantly fiddled with his Star Wars movies ad nauseam, adding new effects here, changing dialogue there and, occasionally, altering characters entirely — all to the eternal ire of his increasingly alienated fans.
Cases in point:
10) Adding Critters to Episode IV
We’ll start things out light, with instances of pure window dressing. In the late 1990s, in order to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the original 1977 release of Star Wars, Lucas prepared “Special Editions” of his beloved trilogy for theatrical reissue. Armed with an apparent mandate to fix some clunky visuals inhibited by the limitations of yesteryear’s archaic technology, Lucas set out to touch up a few nitpicky details he claims never sat right with him — such as the shoddy suspension effects of Luke’s landspeeder (nicely fixed), a lackluster Death Star explosion (enhanced with a digital shock wave) and the inconsistent color timing of lightsaber blades (believe it or not, this STILL has not been fully corrected as of the new Blu-ray release!). Apparently Lucas’ self-imposed mandate also amounted to insertion of assorted background creatures and flying Imperial probe droids. We should’ve recognized the warning signs in 1997: the new flitting add-ins were an ominous portent to the busied background traffic that would clutter the skies of the digital cityscapes of the forthcoming Prequel Trilogy, glorified margin doodles that would become an irritating motif in the new films. The extraneous critters wouldn’t feel so terribly wrongheaded if the new digital effects didn’t look so jarringly out of place, as easy to spot as a 2-D cutout that does not occupy the same spatial plane as the rest of a 3-D environment.
Assorted Cantina creatures were also redone (no love for the red-eyed werewolf, though s/he’s still visible in the background), but after all the effort, why not go the extra mile and fix the part where you can see straight through an alien’s profile, in through the left eye of its mask and right out through the other?
9) Alternate dialogue
It’s common knowledge among “Star Wars” geeks — er, enthusiasts — that each theatrical iteration (35mm, 70mm, etc.) of the original movies featured distinct sound mixes, each with unique relishes and some with alternate dialogue (hence, for instance, the legendary “Close the blast doors!/Open the blast doors!” line missing from some versions of Episode IV). In the case of dialogue options for the Special Editions, you’d think audience reaction would trump mere meddling for meddling’s sake.
Not so, as evidence by the retention of Luke’s alternate line in “Empire” when a swamp thing swallows then spits out R2-D2 (“You were lucky to get out of there” replaces the more humorous “You’re lucky you don’t taste very good!”) and, from “Jedi,” when a mostly-blind Han Solo takes aim at a tentacle yanking on Lando’s ankle (“It’s alright, I can see a lot better now” supplants the priceless, “It’s alright, trust me!”).
Further, Jango Fett’s voice from Episode II was eventually dubbed over Boba Fett in Episode V, which makes logistical sense given Boba is a clone of Jango, but the new dub-over is not as coolly menacing as Boba’s original voice. But, wait. Since we learned in Episode II that the Stormtroopers are clones of Jango, shouldn’t ALL Stormtroopers speak like Jango? They do in Episode III, but not in Episodes IV, V or VI.
Granted, in the grand scheme of things, this point of contention seems relatively minor considering some of the transgressions to come, hence its meager ranking here, and one might even argue that later batches of clones could have been generated from alternate progenitors. Either way, you’d think if Uncle George had a neat idea for a tweak, he’d have gone the fully Monty: It’s the inconsistency of application that offends more than the tweak itself.
8) Vader’s climactic “Nooooooooo!” in Jedi
Admit it: you think it’s dumb, too. This latest tweak for the new Blu-ray iteration of Episode VI veers far off mission, having absolutely nothing to do with fixing a nagging error in color timing or touching up a cheesy visual effect.
No, this “enhancement” needlessly weakens a dramatic crescendo — nay, THE dramatic crescendo of the whole darned TRILOGY — by dubbing in a lame vocalization to punctuate Darth Vader’s pivotal renouncement of the Dark Side. It’s a risible addition made utterly redundant by camera close-ups, the performers’ body language and John Williams’ swelling music, which cumulatively managed to convey the emotional power of this moment just fine on their own for the past 28 years.
Basic scriptwriting philosophy is to SHOW something rather than SAY something, but even in light of storyteller Lucas’ dubious skills as a screenwriter, this interjection is just plain awful. But, be afraid: the sinister machinations of Darth Lucas get worse — much worse.
7) Naboo/Coruscant flyovers in Jedi
During the closing montage of Episode VI we cross-cut to several planets celebrating the fall of the Empire. We see mosh-pit revelry on Endor, Tattooine, Bespin and—what’s this?—Naboo and Coruscant.
In full view of the entire saga, it now makes sense to see a closing follow-up on the home planet of the Jedi and the birthplace of Luke and Leia’s mom, even though we haven’t visited these locations for three movies. But try to remember how conflicting it was for theater-goers in 1997: the thrill of catching our first glimpse of the new worlds we knew would figure prominently in the prequel, still two years away, was offset by the sheer plasticity of the digital matte landscapes.
Evidently the perfection of CGI 3-D traveling matte paintings was the big technological challenge Lucas was waiting to conquer before he finally launched his long-planned Prequel Trilogy, but the artificial patina of the pixillated backgrounds are stunningly cartoonish compared the tangible backdrops made of real paint and natural light. Though I couldn’t quite put my finger on it then, I knew in my gut this digital light show was a harbinger of more dreadful things to come. Plus, now there are Gungans in “Jedi” forevermore, dammit.
6) “Jedi Rocks”
This new song was inserted into the Jabba the Hutt sequence for the “Jedi” Special Edition.
The less said (and heard) about it the better: Give me that goofy alien ditty “Lapti Nek” any day and keep your stinkin’ digital lips, even at the expense of some truly stodgy muppetry.
5) Luke’s girly scream in Empire
After an intense lightsaber battle royale, our hero Luke Skywalker is literally and figuratively disarmed and tempted to join ranks with Darth Vader who, it’s just been revealed, is his fricking FATHER(!). In an act of hopeless defiance, Luke opts to commit suicide, sacrificing himself to thwart the best laid plans of the villain. Lucas added an unforgettably stupefying audio cue to this moment in the 1997 Special Edition: while plummeting down the air shaft, Luke lets loose the whiniest girly scream imaginable.
Questions burned: Why would he scream? Wasn’t his silent fall perfectly appropriate in the 1980 version? Might Luke instead have reiterated, “I’ll never join you!” as gravity flushed him down the chute? Or, better still, wouldn’t it be cooler if Luke laughed futilely as a giant “up yours” to Vader for slicing off his hand and forever ruining his sunny disposition? T
hankfully these questions no longer warrant consideration: So wrongheaded was this “revision” that Lord Lucas himself reconsidered and removed it from all future releases. Honest. The only proof of this nightmare can be found on fuzzy VHS and warped laserdisc editions of the 1997 Special Edition.
4) Jabba the Hutt’s cameo in Episode IV
It’s one thing for a deleted scene to be superfluous, it’s quite another for a scene to be downright redundant. In the Star Wars Special Edition, a new (mercifully brief) introduction to Jabba rehashes dialogue we just heard in the preceding Greedo scene in the Cantina (which any novice screenwriter would rightly assume was Lucas’ replacement scene for being forced to scuttle the unfinished Jabba sequence).
So not only does this new scene do absolutely nothing to advance the plot, it summarily dilutes the shock of finally seeing Jabba in Jedi as a hideously corpulent space slug. I can still remember the roar of the capacity-crowd audience in 1983 who, having heard all about Jabba the Hutt for two previous movies, collectively gasped and chuckled in cheerful repugnance at his momentous and long-awaited introduction. Yes, my memory of that priceless moment of shared community cinema remains intact.
But screw you anyway, George, for spoiling it for future virgin viewers.
3) Vader’s shuttle in Empire
Needless plot wise, this insertion is the foulest example of window dressing for the sake of window dressing, because it immeasurably compromises a key climactic sequence.
Yes, we all know “Empire” doesn’t really have a definite conclusion, but there’s no excuse for what Lucas has done to the finale. The scene: Luke has psychically summoned Leia to rescue him from the dangling vanes beneath Cloud City. The Millennium Falcon swoops in to collect Luke, TIE fighters give chase, and Luke and Vader communicate telepathically while Lando and Chewbacca frantically try to fix the Falcon’s damaged Hyper Drive. I never had a problem with the original version cutting from Cloud City to the Falcon and then to Vader on his star destroyer (Vader’s Cloud City exit dialogue “Bring my shuttle” was entirely sufficient), but now we’re force-fed an alternate line of dialogue and three cutaways from the Millennium Falcon’s escape to check in on Vader as he heads back to his ship.
Now we see Vader leaving Cloud City, approaching his star destroyer Avenger, and then, finally, debarking in…wait, is that the hangar of the new Death Star that hasn’t even been built yet for Episode VI? Yes, the third addition to this sequence uses an alternate camera angle of the opening scene from “Jedi,” complete with a parade formation of Stormtroopers under the spell of the silent but moving lips of an Imperial officer we won’t meet until the next movie. Each pause in the action pointlessly interrupts the momentum of this suspenseful sequence, one that previously hurtled towards a rousing climax (and a wholly satisfying one, too, even considering the film’s dangling downer of an ending) and all but ruins the flow of John Williams’ exciting music cue. If I get three wishes, restoring the original flow of the “Hyperspace” sequence is #3.
2) Hayden Christensen as Anakin’s ghost in Jedi
We’ve heard Lucas’ theory about how, after Vader kicks the bucket, his spirit ultimately reverts to his “good” image, the semblance of young Anakin Skywalker just before he snapped in Episode III and went on a brutal serial killing spree at the Jedi temple during recess.
Apparently all the foul and cruel things Vader perpetrated for the past 20 odd years in the name of the Dark Side were summarily forgiven the moment he betrayed his megalomaniacal asshole boss and dropped him down a tall power shaft. Up until the moment of the DVD issue, nobody but George Lucas had ever thought Anakin’s ghost ought to be younger. It’s a stupid, juvenile notion that not only detracts from the gleefully corny emotional resolution, but also serves as one final sting by Darth Lucas to remind us all how fucking terrible Hayden’s performances truly are (and, make no mistake, they ARE terrible).
If I get three wishes, #2 would be restoring the original ghost played by actor Sebastian Shaw — with or without eyebrows, it matters not.
1) Han shoots the first and only shot
I know you’re all probably sick of hearing about this one, but it’s a biggie.
THE biggie.
In fact, no other tweak cuts as deeply to the heart of Lucas’ madness or so singularly encapsulates the bitter resentment felt by betrayed fans as does this nasty bit of cinematic revisionism. You know the scene: Han and Greedo face off in the Cantina in Episode IV. Greedo has a blaster trained on Han the whole time, so when Han shoots Greedo under the table, it’s arguably in preempted self-defense.
But no, Lucas feels somehow obliged to make sure there’s no question of morality — newly inserted before Han’s laser blast are a few frames from a different camera take, digitally augmented with Greedo’s errant laser blast and a stray impact on the wall behind Han.
So now Greedo shoots first, Han dodges the blast and shoots back (twice) in more righteous self-defense. In the ’70s it was acceptable for a hero or anti-hero to shoot first and ask questions later; but the comparative Puritanism of the 1990s made this antiquated notion downright unthinkable. Yet beyond the unwanted pussification of Han Solo’s mercenary nature by making his character more politically correct, this added bit doubly sucks for committing an equally egregious technical sin: it’s a piss-poor jump cut, something that betrays Lucas’ reputation as both a director and an editor.
Lucas has been tinkering with this scene ever since: the DVD edition trimmed a few frames to smooth over the jarring jump cut of Han shifting to the left of the frame; and the Blu-ray further trims a few more frames before the jump cut to make it appear as though Han and Greedo shoot simultaneously.
That this most recent tweak is the most watchable iteration of the Special Edition “revisions” is completely moot: the Han Solo I grew up with would never have allowed Greedo to get the jump on him. Period. If I get one wish, it’s to trim these particular seven frames of fiddling.
So there.
Steven Segal bears no relation whatsoever to the, ahem, “actor” with a similar name. Born and raised in Philadelphia, he grew up on a steady diet of movies, music and pop culture, and eventually earned a degree in film and video production from Drexel University. He’s written movie critiques and DVD reviews for a variety of print and Web publications, since before there was such a thing as an Internet. He now resides in Washington, DC, where he does graphic design work for a corporate entity and serves as a video jockey for a popular bar. In his spare time, he goes to movies, watches Blu-rays, dotes on his two cats Ernest and Hemingway, rides his mountain bike and, when stuck in his car in maddening traffic, tries to dodge the Capital City’s vast network of speed-traps and red-light cameras.
