Connect with us

Hi, what are you looking for?

General

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE PARENTS Who Whore Their Kids Out On Etsy to Make a Few Bucks

Dear Mom and/or Dad,

I am so happy that you have finally found your life’s calling by creating t-shirts with iron-on graphics or manipulating felt into Robin Hood-like hats for toddlers and selling them on the crafting website Etsy, I really am, but you and I need to have a talk about your marketing campaign.

It seems to me that perhaps your kids don’t really want to be models for your line of knitted neck warmers:

Or your fun holiday outfits:

And it kind of shows.


Now, it isn’t just me that is having a problem supporting your new business venture, there’s also a new website called Sad Etsy Kids which features just how unhappy your offspring really are getting their pictures taken in the backyard when they could be safely inside playing Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony and drinking juice out of a box.

And, frankly speaking, I’m very concerned for the well-being of your crafting company.

In the interest of being reasonable let’s look at two pictures of children modeling clothing and accessories. One shows a real model and one shows an Etsy kid doing this against their will…which is which?

I think the answer is obvious and that’s the problem you are in.

No one wants to lay down some coin in this economy for a Pinocchio outfit for their son when the model looks as if he is contemplating suicide at the age of four.

Perhaps a different approach is necessary.

Maybe instead of having your kids forced into wearing a cape that shames them to their core:

You could ask a friend with a cute kid who’s really into Teen Vogue to show off your creative talents to the world instead of showing, via fashion, the sullen face of your little one who wants you to fail.

Look, I understand your reasoning, your children have ruined your life financially and now you have to shill your barely competent skills to a potentially paying public so that you can afford the basics like food, shelter and beer.

I get it. But these faces of your company are not getting the job done and frankly it’s a bit sad to look at and in business, if something makes you feel horrible inside, you are not going to buy it.

So take my advice and choose your models carefully because  you don’t need to have the world see just how much how much your kid hates you and everything the stand for like this little girl here:

Good luck.

(all pics are from Sad Etsy Kids)

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You May Also Like

Columns/Features

Hey people, long time no see – here we are at the 90th Annual Oscars…my last RANT. I started writing for FOG! 10 years...

Columns/Features

The time is 4:45 and I’m at my Homegirl Claire’s apartment (she’s got a big screen TV with stereo sound) where we’ve just begun...

General

Hello friends! First, I want to extend a big MEA CULPA for being so late with my RANT – I had a singing gig...

General

It’s the 2016 Grammy Awards! I had a show during this broadcast, so I asked my wonderful friend Claire to DVR it for me....