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Dear Hollywood: Seasonal Marketing

Dear Hollywood,
Seasonal releases are cheap and lazy marketing ploys designed to increase awareness of rituals devised by the religious and the traditionalists. 
This may sound vitriolic and obvious, but bear with me; I must unleash this tongue-lashing before Pancake Day gets released following the success of Valentines Day and New Years Eve
Nobody wants that. 
It would star Ashton Kutcher as an experimental pancake chef who falls for Jessica Biel’s food critic with a heart of gold but stomach of lead.

Will her yeast intolerance keep them apart?

Never met a holiday he didn’t like to act in

I hate it when you’re cheap Hollywood, especially when you could have used the recent Valentine’s holiday to your advantage and released ironically (Blue Valentine Part 2: The Revenge of Ryan Goslings Hairline) or at least put out something, you know, good. 
Instead you took advantage of the sentimentality and vulnerability of the general populous and appealled to the most basic of our emotional needs. 
The need for tacky crap.
The box office will go on…
But now it has backfired. Or at least, it has for Fox.
They tried to market their new action/comedy, This Means War, to the Valentine’s Day crowd, but its “CIA agents battling over a girl” plot didn’t quite fit in the heart shaped peg of romance as well as The Vow.
Fearing a trouncing at the box office, Fox had to rethink their ad campaign and move the release date from the 14th to the 17th so that the two films were not in direct competition.
Judge for yourself which film does the low expectation maths of the non-cinefile best.
This Means War Trailer:

The Vow Trailer:

The answer is The Vow.
Nicholas Sparks veteran actors + love overcoming a debilitating neurological condition + based on a true story = tears and money.

And popcorn.

It’s such a perfect Valentine’s Day movie it may as well have been produced in an emotional manipulation lab.

What could have been more perfect for the Valentines Day audience then Tatum the beefcake telling McAdams the amnesiac he’ll help her remember who she is through a series of key romantic gestures? Nothing. Teenage girls, the biggest Valentine’s Day market, will be longing for short term memory loss before you can say, “wait, this isn’t actually a Nicholas Sparks film?”
It was ridiculous for Fox to think This Means War, could win in the box office revenue stakes.

Sony has made a film with a seasonal release in mind for maximum profit.

They are producing for those who are more likely to go out of their way to see something specific simply because it is Valentine’s Day. This is the same audience that took their kids to watch Fred Claus at Christmas because it was Christmas and Hop at Easter because it was Easter. This is akin to child abuse.

I totally get Halloween releases.

Watching a terrifying film and scaring yourself into therapy is a rite of passage, part and parcel of growing up, plus there are far fewer ways to celebrate this particular holiday other then dressing as a slutty clown. Christmas has a lot more going on, the meal, the presents and the alcohol-fueled game of scrabble ending in confessions of dark family secrets.

If you are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a film, and are lucky enough to have a significant other then why not watch the perfect film?

Or at least a good film.

Why go to the cinema to watch trash to increase your serotonin for each other?

Why not just get some fizzy wine in and rent out The Princess Bride, and be done with it.

As you wish

A movie starring Tom Hardy, the actor of the last five years, was never going to cross over as well as a romantic amnesia film, but Hollywood, your cohorts at Fox have no one to blame but themselves. The producers should have known better. A film with guns in won’t fool the monsters you have created, unless that gun happens to turn into a dove that kisses away the damaged part of McAdams brain.
I write this knowing This Means War, is probably awful, but the better of the two options.

I write this having seen neither, but I have experience and arrogance on my side.

I assume Pine and Hardy use their CIA technology irresponsibly, never fill out the right paper work, millions of Americans tax dollars are wasted on surveillance gear and thermal imagining technology and there’s some kind of chase scene at the end. But at least they’ll do the action/comedy by numbers with real charisma.

I hate to rake over the entrails of love hearts and saccharine cinematography you have offered us Hollywood, but you can be better and smarter, but I’m sure with time I’ll get over it.
The best seasonal films are always on television within five days of the festivities anyway, I know I enjoyed The Muppet Christmas Carol more then anything showing at the cinema this Christmas, and on Valentine’s Day they showed The Princess Bride on cable.
I think its just best to ignore seasonally produced cinema because you’re past work, released unseasonably, has been more romantic and true then anything you currently offer me.
Love,
Ellen
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