I briefly considered writing about some of the best anime out there, but let’s be honest, hating on something can be so much more fun.
At the same time I also want to keep things relatively current, especially given that the last batch of posts have been largely historical in nature.
So here we are – the worst five (non-pornographic) anime to be televised in the last five years:
5. Ro-Kyu-Bu! (2011)
This is an anime all about basketball!
At least, that’s the premise.
What this anime is actually about is a guy who gets a sudden harem of grade schoolers after being assigned to coach a basketball team.
Naturally, the five girls greet their new coach by wearing maid uniforms and calling him “master” in a bid to make a good first impression. Who doesn’t? And then there are shower scenes and stuff. And lots of comedy revolving around one of the girls’ extremely large chesticles.
To be fair, this series wouldn’t have even blipped on my radar if it hadn’t been posing as a sports anime (yes, that’s what it’s actually listed under).
Best of all, our main character stopped playing basketball himself because his team was disbanded after the coach was suspected of being a lolicon. I have to assume that even the creator of this series saw the irony in that.
4. Miracle Train (2009)
Everyone loves a good anthropomorphic train, am I right?
No, that’s not a euphemism for anything. I have to give some kudos to this series; it’s very informative.
If you ever find your way onto the Miracle Train, six bishounen will give you all the facts about their railway lines you could ever possibly want, while simultaneously solving whatever problem it was that magically brought you onto Miracle Train in the first place – like being too organised or getting stressed from work.
But only if you’re a young woman, because… just because.
All educational intent aside, this show is the single biggest excuse for a reverse harem I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen quite a few). I’m also tempted to compare this title to Initial D, because to have any respect for Initial D whatsoever, you have to like cars. Likewise, to find any kind of entertainment in Miracle Train, you either have to be a train otaku, or else be head over heels in love with a bunch of guys no matter how ridiculous the narrative is.
Check out the parody below.
3. Devil May Cry (2007)
I feel a twinge of guilt with this one, because any anime based on a video game practically guarantees that it’s going to be awful.
Unfortunately, Devil May Cry is so bad that I just couldn’t help myself – it takes game-based anime to a whole new level of bad.
Mostly this is because the anime tried to be bad-ass and failed miserably, and there’s nothing quite as cringe-worthy as a bad anime that tries hard to be cool. I’m well aware that the game itself is all about scoring points by attacking bad guys as stylishly as possible, but that’s no excuse for anime’s patently ridiculous action scenes, nor for the incredibly poor scripting.
Even the voice acting sounds fake –I barely made it an episode without having to check whether or not my ears were bleeding yet. The last time that happened I was accidentally watching Bible Black in English.
2. Manyū Hiken-chō (2011)
Ostensibly this is a historical action title, but truth be told, it would’ve done better as a pornographic series, because at least then it wouldn’t have white glowing beams of light that quite literally took up nearly half the screen whenever someone’s breasts are exposed.
Which happens a lot, since the plot of the anime is all about how breasts make you awesome. The title translates to ‘Magic Breast Secret Sword Scroll’, and in some freaky parallel Edo period, the Tokugawa shogunate has decreed that the bigger breasts you have, the more wealth and stature you deserve.
Those with small breasts are the lowest of the low – a kind of subhuman species. Luckily, the main character has an amazing ninja technique that allows her to enlarge or reduce breast size, and therefore makes it her ultimate goal to ensure that every woman in Japan has a decent-sized bust. It could have been a fairly hilarious comedy series, but regrettably Manyū Hiken-chō plays it straight, destroying any chance of amusement I might have had.
1. Rio: Rainbow Gate! (2011)
Oh snap, 2011 was clearly not a great year for anime.
This particular series comes complete with boob-shine, lots of scantily-clad maids/babysitters/casino girls, and a creepy grandfather with a gambling addiction. But it’s a gambling anime, so I’ll forgive him even if he does let his granddaughter wander around the casino befriending well-endowed card dealers at random.
The plot isn’t exactly difficult to follow – there’s this casino worker named Rio who’s so awesome that she brings luck to customers just by walking past them, and when a young girl visits the casino with her grandfather (she can’t be much older than 10 but I guess it’s school holidays or something), she and Rio become best friends forever as Rio competes to become the most valuable casino dealer in the world.
I would have given the show only the number 2 spot for worst anime, but it wins out by sheer force of ho-hum.
I was still laughing at Manyū Hiken-chō, albeit for all the wrong reasons, but I could only spend a few minutes sniggering at Rio: Rainbow Gate before I got the sudden urge to check my emails. For that reason, it gets top spot this time.
Congratulations!
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