Audition is Takashi Miike’s 1999 masterpiece about love, obsession and dismemberment.
It concerns a lonely man who holds a fake movie audition in order to meet women.
He eventually does fall for one. Sadly, she has a penchant for cutting apart the people who love her and putting them in…well, I won’t spoil it for you.
It’s the best scare of the movie.
I think everyone should see this film, and I almost expect them to. It is this optimism that once led me to believe that, when a woman said that she liked horror films, that she liked a wide range of them.
Thanks to experience, I now know that there are two kinds of women who like horror movies:
Type 2: Women who are far more into horror films than I am. These are women who cite the Guinea Pig films as among their top favorites.
However, for a long period, I knew no distinction between the two.
That’s why, at twenty, when my now ex-girlfriend said that she “liked some horror movies,” my brain took it to mean “I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD….SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR.”
First off, Jayme, this girl I speak of, was way out of my league.
She was tall and had a great body, from years of playing sports and not eating Skittles for lunch.
I, on the other hand, had a body that looked like there were two pogo sticks left on the planet, and they had decided to build their house next to a Wendy’s. I had no idea why she was dating me, but, when I learned that she “liked some horror movies,” my overly romanticized twenty-year-old mind immediately decided that, despite our differences in looks, we were soul mates and now I didn’t have to go to the gym anymore.
Where does Audition come into this?
Well, since she FUCKING LOVED HORROR FILMS SO MUCH, I decided that Miike’s magnum opus would be the first on the list of the horror films that we’d watch every day forever for the rest of our lives. I didn’t tell her a lot about what she’d see when I popped the DVD in, because why warn her? She’ll clap at the same parts I clap at, and she’ll keep up a conversation about Miike’s film making techniques with me throughout the entire running time of the movie and for hours after. She “liked some horror movies.” It was the least I could expect from her.
The film has a very slow first half, so much so that Jayme said during it “This is pretty slow.” I laughed and said “It gets better.”
There’s a rule that I have now for people that I have to say “It gets better” to. If I have to say it, it’s probably not going to get any better for them.
Rarely do films start in a manner critically known as “suck ass” and then rev into the hyperdrive of incredible. If they don’t like a film for the first half, they probably won’t like it in the second half, and you’ve just wasted two hours trying to cram your hobbies and interests into the spirit of someone who hangs out with you because you’ll buy the pizza.
In the last thirty minutes of Audition, the film becomes one of the most disturbing things ever printed onto celluloid.
It’s a rollercoaster of crazy stuff. There’s one scene where the antagonist, the lonely, homicidal female, throws up into a dog dish and feeds it to…once again, I won’t spoil it.
Up until this point, Jayme had been noticeably uneasy and any minute it looked like she was going to stand up, pull the DVD out of the player, and yell at me for using coupons at Chick-fil-A.
However, she stuck through it with me, and, by god, there was love in the air.
At the point of the vomiting scene, as if to write the words “irony” in the sky, Jayme turned towards me and vomited as well.
On me. One might say that she threw up, but I would say that she did a little more “throwing out” or “throwing into.” It was a surprising, seemingly absurd amount of vomit. It was like the little girl from The Exorcist was giving an exhibition on what it was like to have a stomach virus.
All in all, it was a great deal of puke.
Me, acting with extreme tact and subtlety, yelled “JAMIE, NO!” at her. Jamie’s puke obviously didn’t respond well to commands, and neither did Jayme’s whole body, because every bit of vomit that she had ended up on me or right beside me. She gargled “Sorry…” and I, calming down, said “JESUS CHRIST!”
I never watched any more horror movies with Jayme.
Despite the fact that I should’ve known better than to trust her ever-expanding love of the horror genre, I almost felt betrayed, like she’d lied to me somehow or misled me. We broke up about seven months later and she is now married with a child on the way.
I, on the other hand, bought the first three seasons of Hogan Knows Best for $2.99 a few days ago.
So, all in all, I’m pretty sure that I came out on top.
BOOT-I-FUL BONUS: Watch Audition for yourself and try and keep your lunch down.