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2012 Gift Guide:
Food & Drink

Nesquick Chocolate Fountain

Why should only the top 1% have the freedom of dipping their faces into a chocolate fountain whenever they want, while the rest of us 99 %-ers suffer from the depression caused by not having our very own mechanical device that spews warm chocolate onto our pasty bodies?

Well, damn the man, I’m going to get my own fountain and fill it with affordable Nesquick chocolate syrup and then re-enact the gluttonous Roman Empire in my own living room.

Ha!

That’ll show ‘em.

Pure Black Cold Brew Bottled Coffee

Forget about Starbucks people, when you want real COFFEE from a bottle, get something that actually tastes good and has the strength of Superman to keep you going between those Mindsweeper battles at work (you know, when you are supposed to be accomplishing something).

This stuff is steeped for 16 hours in a stainless steel wine cask and pressed and filtered twice so that it makes your heart race with happiness the moment it touches your lips. Pour it over ice and enjoy your caffeine the way it’s supposed to taste…like frakking coffee.

Sriracha Popcorn

Hot, buttery popcorn is for wimps. Real popcorn lovers want their kernels covered in Hot Rooster sauce that can sterilize them from ever having children.

Yeah, we’re talking hot.

But tasty.

Lee Kum Kee® Sriracha Chili Sauce

I’ve been in a Sriracha mood lately and for $ .11 a packet, I can freely pursue my latest obsession by ordering several pounds of them without breaking the bank (lucky me!)

Since they are small like ketchup packets, I can slip a bunch in my purse and never have to worry about where my next sriracha fix will come from. I can simply pull one out and slop some “OH-FRAKKING-GOD-THAT-IS-HOT” on whatever I’m eating and feel sated for about five minutes.

We are living in delicious times my friends.

Judge Wapner’s Cream Soda

“I Sentence You to Drink My Soda!”

Celebrate the best judge that ever graced the small screen by tasting some of his cream…wait, that didn’t come out right…

Made from pure cane sugar and a solid punch of justice, this cream soda will fill your belly with righteous satisfaction and tiny vanilla bubbles.

Yummy.

Tabasco Spicy Chocolate

Dark chocolate deliciously tainted with a hint of Tabasco sauce?

Sign me up.

If you like spice, chocolate and reusable tins that you can then fill with prescription drugs, then I think we have found you a gift that will satisfy you on all levels.

Did I mention it was chocolate?

Bacon Gravy

Ever wish that there was a way to make a bowl of liquid meat without having to shove a pork butt into a blender? Well thank your lucky stars, ‘cause the universe has finally made bacon gravy a reality!

Just break open a pouch of J and D’s Bacon Gravy granules, add some hot water and in a few minutes you got yourself a bag full of delicious bacon gravy that you can drink straight or pour over some food that is in desperate need of bacon flavoring.

Yes, it really is that easy for your dreams to come true.

Biofuel Caffeinated Popcorn

You know what would be a really fun practical joke to pull on your family during the holidays?

Opening up a bag of Biofuel Caffeinated Popcorn (which contains the same amount of caffeine as two cups of coffee in each bag) for all your little nieces and nephews to munch on as they watch Madagascar 3 for the fifth time in a row, then walking out of the house, leaving the rest of the family to deal with the aftermath.

Hilarious.

Bacon Jelly

This is what we who love bacon would call “The Most Perfect Concoction Ever Created in a Jar”. A jelly that combines the great taste of bacon, onion, garlic, honey, maple syrup, coffee, and spices that you can then spread on whatever bread item your heart desires (I’m thinking cinnamon rolls).

Why the hell would you ever need to put anything else in your face hole ever again?

Candwich Canned PB and J Sandwich

With the possibility of a Zombie Apocalypse lurking around the corner, this might be a good time to start loading up your basement with canned goods. But there’s no need to limit your selection to just Beans and Weenies when the Candwich Canned PB&J Sandwich is on the market and comes with a shelf life of one year.

Sure it may sound gross at first, but all the ingredients for the sandwich are packaged separately (and there’s even a treat in there as well!) so it isn’t going to be soggy and besides, what are you complaining about? You’re living in a basement with a bucket for a toilet and no place to run to.

At least you get to eat a PB&J sandwich before being hollowed out and worn as a coat by one of your infected neighbors.

Sheesh.

Chocolate Space Invader Bar

At a loss as to what to get that gamer this holiday season? Then perhaps a combination of chocolate and a trip down memory lane might be just the ticket.

This Space Invader-style chocolate bar is handcrafted with 66% dark chocolate and comes in two different packaged sets.

Set 1: 3 50 gram chocolate invaders, an invader mini-poster, an invader sticker and an invader postcard.

Set 2: 2 50 gram chocolate invaders, a limited edition engraved wood box, a mini poster, a sticker and a postcard.

And each set is priced at $20 and under…yes, it’s cheap and awesome.

You can thank me by sending one of these my way.

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