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AND THIS IS WHY I Choose To Have A Barren Womb

My husband and I are at a crossroads, at almost 39 do I attempt to procreate or do I let that ship pass by in the sea and instead concentrate on my true love, watching Netflix?

It’s a quandary.

One of the big reasons I do not want to have a hellspawn popping out of my nether region is because there’s a good chance that they will want to be involved with school musical productions when they get older and I will have to attend them…sober.

And if not wanting to support my demon seed’s dream of singing off-key on a poorly lit stage while I am forced to capture the footage on an iPhone makes me an asshole, so be it.

Look, I know that people say children are the greatest thing since Bud Light created the Margarita-in-a-can-Beer, but if I were the parent of the “Zach Attack” kid in the following video, I would probably have to attend a lot of these things and then spend my life wishing that someone would kill me in ways that ended my pain quickly.

And what kind of parent is that? I mean, I don’t even clean the litter box until the cat takes a shit in my shoes alerting me to the fact that her box s filled with clumps the size of Everest, and now, suddenly I have to make the decision whether or not to bring forth life?


Just watch the video and let me know if my copulation/procreation fears are just.

Source: Videogum



  1. Joyce Bacyrus

    February 22, 2013 at 4:04 am

    Okay, I had to stop that at 45 seconds because I was in serious danger of reporting this kid's parents to the child abuse authorities.

    Look, it's okay with me if the kid grows up gay but does he have to announce it to *the entire world*? He will need to answer to this in eighth grade. It's just not fair to ask a kid to do that.

    To answer your question as to whether you should spawn, I would tell you, Look in the mirror. Now look at your best friend with three children. Now look in the mirror. Now look at your best friend. How old are you? How old is she? How old does she *look*? If you're 39 and you have no kids, I guarantee you don't look 39. Your friend is probably around 39 and looks well into her forties.

    If you do not have kids, you will regularly look ten years younger than your actual age. Trust me on this.

    You will never have a spawn on stage singing "Walking On Sunshine" and trying to explain to your neighbour that he is not in fact, hell-bent on leading the Gay Pride Parade in, like, 2019.

    You will never in your life introduce yourself as "So-And-So's Mom".

    Your life will have meaning. You and your husband can travel, go places, do things, have wild adventures, have the best stories of anyone in the nursing home some day. Do you really want to toss that all away for nine hours of pain in a maternity ward screaming, "That goddamn sonofabitch, I'll never let him touch me again"?

    You do not. You know you do not. You are 39 and you're still hot and your friend with three kids is urging you to spawn before it's too late not because she thinks your life is shit without kids, but because she can't stand the fact that she looks old enough to be your mom.

    Don't do it.

    Birth control. It's your friend. Maybe even a tubal. Unless you can talk your husband into the Big V. 😉

  2. Elizabeth Young

    February 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    You're right Joyce, I am particularly hot (if you're into slightly rotund beer whores who dance like she's never danced before after a few hard Ciders)and I think I would like to stay that way.

    And, if all those Republican politicians are right, I can avoid pregnancy easily since my body has a way to shut that down if I can convince it that what my husband is doing to me is "legitimate rape".

    Thanks for your advice.

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