Okay, I just got finished watching about an hour of the pre-game show on E! to see who dare to go against the dreaded CBS dress code – no side boob, no asses hanging out, no female nipples, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, Here’s Taylor Swift, doing some kind of circus/Alice In Wonderland/Cirque Du Soleil thing – uh oh, she just dissed her latest boyfriend USING AN ENGLISH ACCENT! UH OHHHHHHHH!
Will this girl ever have another date because of the way she puts all her dating shit out on front street?
Why do guys keep going out with her?
Okay, thanks LL Cool J for that long, rambling whatever that was.
Okay, here’s ELTON JOHN with some shaggy haired ginger I’ve never seen. Why did Elton agree to this? The song was “Angels and I,” I think.
And now here is that band Fun.. Is it me, or does that lead singer look like he’s 45 years old? Why are they singing some weird Irish Jig? What the fuck is going on right now? It’s raining on them on stage. This is stupid. But thank goodness they didn’t sing their overplayed hit, “We Are Young.” I hate that song now.
John Mayer – blue velvet jacket with brown buttons and a not matching blue satin bowtie? REALLY?
Oh, look at the quick cut to your adoring girlfriend Katy Perry (who is BREAKING THE DRESS CODE, btw)
Oh, Miranda Lambert (who looks like a rhinestone enhanced 15 lb. turkey) and Dierks Bentley performing…ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Awwwwww, a nice little tribute to Dick Clark, featuring LL Cool J in an old American Bandstand clip. You’re so important aren’t you LL?
Okay, here’s Miguel (singing) and Wiz Kalifa the lazy Rapper (who apparently never needs to wear a shirt because his entire torso is covered in so many tattoos, he looks like he’s already wearing a badly patterned shirt.) blurting out “yeah” here and there while Miguel guy is singing pretty well.
Okay LL, ENOUGH with the social media crap – SHUT UP about who’s trending on Twitter and the fucking hashtags on everything! ENOUGH ALREADY!
SONG OF THE YEAR – We Are Young by Fun. There’s that old dude again. That band looks like A&F rejects. Oh, and they cut to Jay-Z holding a snifter of brandy. Sheesh!
Hey Johnny Depp (they played the beginning of the Rolling Stones song “Happy” – ROTFL!) He’s here to introduce Mumford & Sons. I’m sorry BUT I HATE THAT NAME…MUMFORD AND SONS. It’s very 1700’s sounding, and kinda depressing in a way. Ragtag Jugband, hoedown, backwoods, arm garters, sacks of flour, bales of hay. Blah.
It’s 9:00 and I’m ready to go to bed this show is so boring.
Here’s Ellen DeGeneres and Beyonce to introduce Justin Timberlake (his new hit “Suit And Tie”) Oooooooooooooooh, the screen went to a nice sepia tone, and the set comes out (it looks like a big band scene from the 20’s) Hot! And now here’s Jay-Z rhyming during the bridge, then it slows down, strings come up, and he launches into another song as full color comes back to the screen. I’m sorry, but this man is FANTASTIC! This mofo has a full orchestra with strings, horns, and four back up singers!
JUSTIN MUTHAFUCKIN’ TIMBERLAKE Y’ALL!
Here’s Kelly Rowland – BREAKING THE DRESS CODE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY!
Okay, here’s Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys. I don’t know what Adam Levine is singing, but I’ll bet you $100 that she’s gonna sing “That Girl Is On Fire.” Oh, whaddaya know…I was right! Oh, and Alicia IS BREAKING THE DRESS CODE! I can see too much of the bottom of her boobs in that dress!
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM – STRONGER by Kelly Clarkson! WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING? That dress is horrible! And I think she’s drunk.
It’s 9:35 and LL is back wonking on and on about those cottdamned hashtags again. SHUT UP! Ugh, here’s Rihanna in a really bad looking and ill fitting wig – yipes! She’s really gotta stay away from center parts.
BEST RAP SONG COLLABORATION – “No Church In The Wild” – JAY Z & KANYE WEST featuring FRANK OCEAN and THE DREAM OH, THE BLACK KEYS! With The Preservation Hall Jazz Band and Dr. John! Sounded GREAT, but I’m not sure why Dr. John was there…
Here’s Kelly Clarkson in another weird, ugly dress!
Okay, here’s the Bob Marley tribute – starting with Bruno Mars singing his current hit that sounds like an old Police song, and look, there’s STING! Singing along to a song that sounds like one of his songs! And now they go into “Walking On The Moon?”
THIS IS A BOB MARLEY TRIBUTE.
Oh shit, Rhianna and Ziggy Marley…oh there’s Damian Marley, out for the last 5 seconds of the tribute – this is Ridiculous! Oh hey, another Jugband, the Lumineers! They’re singing an intro before bringing out Jack White. I dig that guy, this all girl band is pretty groovy…with a Black chick singing! Wait a minute, the stage turns and his all GUY band appears and he launches into another song! And his Nudie suit is AWESOME! HE CRUSHED IT!
BEST NEW ARTIST – Fun. I hope those guys don’t suffer the “best new artist curse.” Remember when Esperanza Spalding won that award? Do you even remember who she is?
And now, Carrie Underwood. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…why is she standing like she’s strapped to a pole? She’s not moving! Ohhhhhhhh, there are lights inside of her dress. Kinda cool. She’s singin’ her ass off though.
It’s 10:49 Annnnnnnnnnnd we’re back! There’s Chick Corea, Stanley Clarke and Kenny Garrett playing “Take Five” in honor of Dave Brubeck. Well, that lasted only 2 minutes. Damn. Now here’s the Grammy Foundation info – nice that they’re gonna give an award to a music educator next year, because TEACHERS are unsung heroes! Yay!
And now, here’s the dead people parade…Andy Williams, Donna Summer, Sugarfoot, Chuck Brown, Robin Gibb, Patti Page, Earl Scruggs, Davy Jones, Dick Clark, Fontella Bass, Herb Reed, Hal David, Andy Griffith, Marvin Hamlisch, Patty Andrews, Jenni Rivera, Kitty Wells, Joe South, Ravi Shankar, Mickey Baker, Adam Yauch, Ronnie Montrose, Chris Lighty, Jim Marshall, Red Holloway, Bob Welch, Levon Helm – and now a tribute to Levon with Elton John, Zac Brown, T-Bone Burnett, Brittany Howard from Alamaba Shakes, MAVIS STAPLES! The Mumford Jug Band…
I’m sure Levon would have been happy with that.
It’s now 11:08 and this show IS STILL ON. They really need to start this show at 7 instead of 8. I don’t give a SHIT about how early they have to start in L.A. dammit! Okay, now here’s some Hispanic dude singing Elton John’s “Your Song” and he sounds terrible. This is like an SNL skit, WTF! ARE WE BEING PUNKED RIGHT NOW? WHERE IS ELTON?
Oh, now here’s Frank Ocean.
I haven’t listened to ANY of his music, mostly because people won’t shut up about him. And from this performance, I’m not sure if I will listen to that album. Is the song called “Forrest Gump?” Really? THAT STUNK.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR – THE MUMFORD JUG BAND! Sheesh. holy CRAP it’s 11:23 and THIS SHOW IS STILL ON.
Okay, here’s LL, Chuck D, Travis Barker (the new go to drummer for Negros), some DJ, and Tom Morello doing some kind of Hippity-Hop mashup. Damn, why didn’t they do this shit during the Jugband slot? This was kinda bangin’
Okay, the show is FINALLY over!
- I’m AMAZED that the SOUND WAS GOOD because it usually sucks!
- LL Cool J is a little too full of himself.
- I’m mad that nobody REALLY went out of their way to break the dress code rules, but I’ll say that Maria Menounos was pretty high on the list *
But we DID have a winner for the “Best dress designed by Godzilla – Florence Welch!
And only one tragedy. Oh how I LOVE you Adele, but this did NOT look good on you at all… despite the waistline.
Well, that’s all I got. See you at The Oscars in a few weeks!