I will now pause my quest of finishing Seasons 1 and 2 of Melissa & Joey on Netflix to write this week’s column. (Frankie, thank you for the gift of letting me know about one of my new favorite shows. It’s right up my corny alley!)
One of the shows that defines the 90s and in some way helped spawn a generation of reality programming is The Real World.
The MTV series first aired in 1992 and had a fairly simple premise. Put seven random people together in a house and record their every move. The viewer is the fly on the wall for personality clashes, the built up sexual tension and eventual hookup, the tears and laughs, all that happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.
Which leads us to this week’s column…
This is a fake story…of seven ’90s sitcom characters…picked to live in a fictional house…work together and have their lives taped…to find out what happens…when characters stop being polite…and start getting real…The Real World: ’90s Sitcom Style
Yes, a dream team of ’90s sitcom characters in the Real World setting. All residing in some beautiful house they surely don’t deserve to live in and in a random metropolis (Let’s just say New York, the original Real World location.) I picked seven characters from seven different ’90s sitcoms.
These aren’t necessarily my seven favorite characters but a mix that I thought would be the most ridiculous when forced together. So, yeah, it’s basically VH1’s Surreal Life, but with people who I wish were real.
Al Bundy (Married…With Children)
Who can forget Married…With Children’s perpetually miserable women’s shoe salesman? Al would be the elder statesman (I use the term ‘statesman’ very loosely.) He would surely mock everyone and be unhappy with everything…or maybe not. Why was he so miserable? His life peaked as a star full back for Polk High. The moment that he kept living for was the 1966 city championship game when Polk took on Andrew Johnson High School. In that game, as Al is quick to point out, he scored four touchdowns, including a last second game-winner to lead his team to victory. He says he was all set to go to college on a football scholarship but he broke his leg. He ended up marrying Peggy, who, in lieu of getting a job and helping with family finances, stayed at home to eat bon-bons and watch Oprah.
They had two kids, Kelly, a dim-witted promiscuous daughter and Bud, who was shallow and scheming. Throw in the uber-feminist next door neighbor Marcy to add insult to Al’s injury. The only reasons I can think of why Al would even bother waking up each morning was the nudie bar, beer and putting his hand in his pants. So, take Al out of the hell hole he calls life and into a beautiful house with six random people and we might get an Al Bundy with a bright, much sunnier outlook….I know, probably not.
Carlton Banks (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
He’s not just here to dance, folks! Carlton would be a great fit for our not so real reality show. His awkwardness, preppiness and love for the musical stylings of Tom Jones would be put to the test living in a house full of strangers. It will be like when Will came to live with the family, a culture shock that might change the way young Carlton looks at and reacts to what life brings. They always go out to the clubs in the Real World, so just imagine “The Carlton Dance” out with his new roommates. He may claim intellectual prowess over others in the house and that could lead to some heated arguments.
(Frankie’s note: Keep in mind, the “Carlton dance” isn’t his only trick. Carlton’s an accomplished hoofer who can moonwalk his way through any dance-based challenge. He’s also likely the most sympathetic member of the cast, one whose nerdy, standoffish nature masks a deeper sensitivity.)
Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
One of my favorite characters from my personal favorite show of all-time. Cosmo Kramer will surely tell his Real World roommates about his cologne that smells like the beach, his make your own pizza restaurant idea, and of course, his coffee table book on coffee tables. Kramer is used to living alone and his self-awareness isn’t always so aware so it would be quite interesting to see how he is living with six other people. It will be a sure-fire adventure every time he enters a room and anytime physical activity will be going on. He’s the type of guy who would ruin a fellow housemate’s day by eating their peanut butter.
(Frankie’s note: Of course, Kramer’s live wire nature makes him a potential bomb that could go off on anyone, although he could probably get along well with Carlton, after some initial brusqueness on the younger man’s part.)
Kimmy Gibbler (Full House)
The youngest of the bunch and one of the most annoying characters in the history of television. Kimmy’s feet stink, she insults everyone and does very little to get ahead in life yet is somehow the best friend of the pretty normal D.J Tanner. Danny Tanner’s PG rated insults towards her would be no match for anything coming from the miserable mouth of Al Bundy. She’ll be sure to rub others the wrong way, especially when she takes her socks off. But, I do envision her and Carlton having a surprisingly good (and awkward) chemistry together.
I’m not afraid to admit, in the confines of Forces of Geek, that The Nanny became part of my regular rotation of TV shows I watched during my elementary school days. Fran Drescher’s voice may be one of the worst things in pop culture history, but she was quite the sassy character as the nanny to Mr. Sheffield’s family. This is far from the sexiest list, so to have her in the house would work out I think. Would Al Bundy try to get with Fran Fine while living in the same home? I really think he would put up with the annoying voice and laugh. Fran is no Peg Bundy, as she is a working woman and her heart is in a good place.
Ellen Morgan (Ellen)
We need some kind of groundbreaking done on this fictional reality show. Ellen Morgan is a neurotic, rambling bookstore owner. Played by Ellen Degeneres, Ellen is…well, Ellen. I’m a fan of her humor and really believe she’s been one of, if not the best female comedians over the past 20 years or so.
We’ll need her on this show to provide the annual Real World moment when a character reveals that he or she is gay. So this is Ellen Morgan circa “The Puppy Episode” during Season 4. It was the episode that got Ellen a ton of publicity and helped nudge a discriminating society a little closer to becoming more open and accepting of those who are gay or lesbian. Plus, imagine the hilarity when Al tries to get with her and she tells him she’s just not into him (or any guy for that matter).
Martin Payne (Martin)
If there’s anyone in the ’90s sitcom universe who would push the envelope a bit and stop being polite and start getting real pretty quickly, I think it would be Martin Payne. The brash Detroit DJ would surely push everyone’s buttons by being, well, the loudmouth ass that we all know and love. I can imagine him constantly getting on Carlton’s nerves, being the one to put Kimmy Gibbler in her place and make Fran Fine cry. And yes, with Martin on the show, a random visit from Sheneneh would be incredible.
(Frankie’s note: If I had to pick one character from Martin to be on this show, it would probably be Tommy, just to see everyone try to figure out exactly what he does for a living…if anything. On the other hand, Martin and Kramer would probably be the show’s most caustic relationship, fraught with tension. I’d tune in for that. Also, Jerome. There would have to be Jerome.)
So, there it is, my attempt at putting seven ridiculous sitcom characters in the Real World. Also, the real Real World is apparently getting ready to kick off its 28th season in March, much to my surprise. I quit watching MTV years ago when things stopped being music and started being Jersey Shore.
The ’90s versions of the show felt a little more raw and not as convenient as when I stopped watching the station.
What do you think of the list? What characters from the ’90s would you add?
