Funerals are the last bastion of provable popularity (Not that you will care if no one shows up since you’re dead and all), but for those who are left behind, they need hard proof that even though they liked you enough to show up to a pontificating truncated tale of your life (with just the good parts), they weren’t alone in that friendship.
Maybe because if they were it would reflect poorly on them and then they would spend the rest of their lives wondering if knowing you somehow tainted them as well (yes, even at your funeral, it’s all about someone else…sorry).
But there’s no need to worry about putting asses in the seats now that a new UK business has popped up that promises to provide mourners (£45 per person for 2 hours of work, contact them for group rates) that will cry and wail with the best of them.
Hell, they will even brief the hired help about your life so they can mingle easily with those people who you actually knew you (they will even show up to the wake as well- for an additional £45 for two hours- and pretend they found your knock knock jokes hilarious).
Well, perhaps this might be a good time to say, start your own stateside version of the company, which could very well provide you with a livable income as well as a horde of employees who will be compelled (via their work contract) to show up at your funeral and say some wonderful things about you while your real friends and family look on appreciatively at your vast popularity and soon-to-be split fortune.
Doesn’t sound so weird now right?
Of course, if you still think this kind of thing seems vaguely uncouth, it might interest you to know that in countries like China,the Middle East and certain parts of Africa, professional mourners are the norm. And, since We Are the World, there’s no need to feel embarrassed by the concept of paying people to cry about you.
Believe me, your real friends have been doing that for years.
Think about it.