“Hi bro, listen, things have gotten bad…I’m stranded somewhere along the Amazon river with Ice Cube and Jenny-From-The-Block, and the world’s largest anaconda is trying to eat and digest us. I know, Mondays right? Yeah, could you track my GPS and pick me up? Kthanxbye”
Remember the good old days when you’d happily watch as movie characters were doomed to die because:
a) the perfectly working car suddenly refused to start
b) the villain cut the phone lines
c) they’d decided to take the road not taken, gotten lost and murdered by locals?
Well, not anymore. Now, you can’t help but watch some movies and be skeptical that the girl in the movie doesn’t pull out her cellphone and call 911 when there’s a nutter with a chainsaw after her, or exasperated that if the Seven Dwarfs had learned CPR, they would’ve checked Snow White’s airway and found that piece of apple in her throat.
The technology we use and the fuel-efficient cars we drive today have made many classic and cult Hollywood movie plots largely implausible.
Here are our Top 5 Movies that could not be made today without alterations to account for new technology:
In all movie versions of this classic romantic tragedy, the plot remains the same. As you know, the star-crossed lovers carry out a plan so foolhardy that only a pair of romantic idiots could conceive of it, in order to escape their families. Juliet takes a potion that puts her in a coma-like state for 42 hours, so that her family gives her up for dead. Romeo is to join her when she awakens and whisk her away to a happily-ever-after ending. However, Romeo doesn’t get the message, thinks Juliet’s actually dead and kills himself. Juliet wakes up, sees that Romeo is dead and kills herself. Genius planning.
However, things may have turned out differently for Romeo and Juliet if they’d just texted their way through their problems.
A simple ‘Romeo, im gna take some fake poison.ill c u in 6 hrs.don’t do anything stupid xoxo’ text would have averted a tragedy.
2) The Blair Witch Project
In Burkittsville, Maryland, three student filmmakers go into the woods to shoot a documentary on the Blair Witch. After one of the guys kick their only map into the creek, they get hopelessly lost, increasingly hysterical and scared, and predictably meet grisly deaths. Ultimately, it was all down to a lack of modern technology rather than an encounter with a crazy lady hunting innocents in the woods. If any of the students had Google Maps or GPS, they’d be able to find their way back to the car within the first craving for KFC. Then they’d drive away with the Blair Witch in the background, shaking her fist in anger, having been outwitted by technology.
What could have saved the Titanic if it’d made its maiden voyage in 2012 instead of 1912? In a word: radar.
Thanks to James Cameron’s blockbuster movie, everyone knows that an iceberg sank the unsinkable Titanic on its maiden voyage. There were lookouts up in the crow’s nest, but the smooth water made it difficult to see the base of the icebergs and the dark night made it impossible for them to see far enough ahead, especially without binoculars.
By the time the warning bell was rung, Titanic’s collision with the iceberg was unavoidable.
Now, add radar, the practical alternative to an inadequate outlook and the first mate would have ample time to glance at the screen, scream “Oh, shi-i-it… Iceberg straight ahead!” explain the situation to the captain, alter course, and all would have been good! We’d never have had to listen to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ being overplayed to death.
Ghostface calls Drew Barrymore. But, she has Caller ID. She picks up the call and says “Hey, asshole, I totes have your number on my caller ID screen and ive sent it to the cops LOL”.
Bonus: with caller ID, there’d be no more confusion over whether you were talking to your boyfriend, a crazy killer or a little girl ghost.
When in doubt, Google. If Marion had bothered to check online reviews of the Bates Motel and read about the holes in the walls, bloodspattered shower curtains, stuffed birds mounted on the walls and the creepy owner with a tendency to hum ‘Hotel California’, she might have decided that she’d be better off sleeping in her car.
- Sixteen Candles – With Facebook’s reminders, no one would have forgotten Molly Ringwald’s birthday.
- Troy – It wasn’t until the Greeks used Odyseus’s idea of the wooden horse to enter Troy, that they were able to conquer the Trojans. But, just imagine if the Trojans had Instagram: “So I’ve just been looking at the Greeks’ Instagram and they’re posting pictures from inside a giant horse” “…Hey, didn’t they just give us a giant horse?”
- Cinderella – Ok, let’s gloss over the fact that Prince Charming wasn’t the brightest bulb in the porch. After all, he completely blanked on Cinderella’s face and had to find her by putting a shoe on every girl in the kingdom. Today, DNA technology would have made everything much easier. All he’d have to do is hand over the shoe to Gil Grissom who’d match the shoe to the girl in two shakes of a magic wand.
The movies in our list might be timeless, but without technology, they’re stuck in a time-warp. Can you think of more examples?