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F*CK YOU MARS EXPLORER BARBIE (A Rant)

I hate Barbie with the kind of passion I usually reserve for people like Hitler or those perfume girls at department stores who squirt you right between the boobs with some noxious sweat mist from Justin Bieber’s balls.

You might think that I’m overreacting (and you could be right) but as a doll specifically created for girls, you’d think that someone at Mattel might have learned by now that not all girls want to go into space DRESSED LIKE A ROLLER SKATING WHORE FROM XANADU.

First let’s talk about the fact that Astronaut Barbie has no gloves. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were to ever land on Mars (where it can get down to minus 200 degrees Fahrenheit) I might want something to put over my digits (and it would also probably help curb that annoying oxygen leak as well). Sure, it might keep my fellow space explorers from seeing my manicure, but I’m thinking that would be okay…SINCE IT WOULD HELP ME STAY ALIVE.

Second, what’s with all the pink? Is it to make sure all the dudes who are shuffling over the surface of the red planet with you know you’re a chick? I’ll let you in on a little secret honey, if you are one of the few human beings who have elected to travel for almost 8 mos. in a cramped space shuttle (and who will NEVER come back to the earth), I’m thinking that most everyone will already be aware that you are female. No need to add the pink stripes, eye make-up and cute little pink backpack.

As the product description says: Barbie is on a mission to mars while looking stylish. And as we all know, when you are terraforming/exploring/getting infected with space germs, it’s important to look good.

Third, why doesn’t Mars Explorer Barbie have an oxygen tank?  Is her backpack equipped with oxygen as well as lip gloss? And since when do space suits come in boot cut?

Look, I can appreciate the lame attempt to showcase a Barbie doll in a job that is still, essentially,  a boys club career , but when you tart the doll up, stuff her in a sparkly pink outfit and slather her in make-up and then tell little girls that she’s an Astronaut, you’re doing a disservice to the women who are ACTUAL astronauts.

There’s a time and place for dressing up like a ho, and it’s not when you are trying to turn ANOTHER FUCKING PLANET INTO  HOME BASE FOR HUMANKIND.

That kind of party is reserved for when you take the space suit off in your cryo-chamber, put on some Barry White and then proceed to masturbate for hours on end to stifle the debilitating loneliness that you feel because you went to Mars and left everyone you loved back home.

Now, show me a Barbie who does that and I can support her.

Source: Geekologie

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