I’ve never really been a car geek.
You’ve read exploits of my many, many geekeries, but automobiles ain’t one of ’em.
But I recently had to buy a new car. When I am purchasing a car, I turn into a car guy.
For a brief time, I think of crankshafts and suspensions and cylinders and horsepower. Interiors and trunk space, aerodynamics and chrome. Intake vents and McPherson struts, dual exhausts and laser-cut projector headlamps.
After some research and car-gazing, I purchased a Ford Fusion, as it fulfilled all my wants for my 150-mile daily work commute: a four-door vehicle with sharp performance, aggressive style, lots of tech/entertainment features and plush comfort – all for a bargain price.
I am enjoying the new ride, and for now I am indulging the waning car nerd. It made me think: What are my favorite fictional vehicles from my superhero/sci-fi nerdery? Strap yourself in, pilgrim.
You were expecting the Batmobile, weren’t you?
Yes, I do like the Batmobile, but doesn’t every-frickin’-body?
Seriously. My grandma likes the Batmobile. Putin likes the Batmobile.
But think of all the times you drive around town. Think of all the times you’re stuck in traffic. Or the times that you sit in the seat wrong and strain your lower back. All those things happen to Batman in the car, too.
He drives around at night, so no traffic jams, you say! But if Gotham City is a Manhattan-like place, there’s traffic in Manhattan at any time of day or night. As if Batman could just zoom through the city streets downtown. Sure he can.
So let’s take it back to the early days of Batman and pick the Bat-Gyro. Sure, an auto-gyro can’t actually hover in place like depicted in the comics, but at least Batman can pick up and go pretty much anywhere if the contraption isn’t too big. And he’d beat out any villain in a getaway car, right?
Or we can go modern with it, and pick the Bat flying machine from The Dark Knight Rises. But yeah, it’s basically the auto-gyro.
Cobra Flight Pod aka “Trubble Bubble”
The Cobra Flight Pod, from those lovely G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero cartoons, combines the fun of a jet pack with full-on weapons.
A jet pack is awesome, but what’s the point if you don’t have any rockets, guns, and maybe some protection?
There are downsides to the Trubble Bubble, though.
You’d likely burn up from the rocket cylinders or the ion cannons.
Or the giant rockets might get you. Or that you’d suffocate from the wind blowing into your face from under the bubble top.
No bigs.
Thunderhawk
Again, we reach back into my ’80s childhood to find a favorite, from the toy-seller cartoon M.A.S.K., featuring cars and trucks that transform into combat vehicles. And, as usual, it’s a two-for-one special.
First off, it’s a cherry-red 1985 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z28. Who wouldn’t want the 200-plus horsepower? The spoiler? Customized with lightning bolts and gun-metal gray body kit?
And roof-hinged gull wing doors, the ultimate symbol of ’80s-style DGAF decadence and swagger? Oh yes.
Second, IT FLIES! This barely-street-legal muscle car cracks open the doors, rocket boosters pop out of the tail lights, and off it goes. Firepower? This baby’s got it, with laser guns sliding out of the bottom of each door.
And even though there’s no way this car would actually fly, M.A.S.K. sells it with or hero, Matt Trakker, having a fire suit, cockpit restraints and his mask that keeps oxygen flowing. It’s those touches of reality that sell the unreality.
RoboCop’s Police Cruiser
When you wanted a car that felt like it came from the near-future, you needed something familiar yet fundamentally different.
The Ford Taurus, first launched in 1986, was perfect for the 1987 film RoboCop as the cruiser of the Detroit Police.
The car looked tough and mean chasing bank robbers and drug dealers through the decayed urban hellscape that was Old Detroit.
I mean, look at it. The car looks like it’s cut from a block of granite with its clean, simple look. There’s an aggressiveness to its stance. That car stops, lights flashing, and you believe a cyborg police officer is gonna step out. Your move, creep.
Buckaroo Banzai’s Jet Car
Yes, we’re going with another Peter Weller classic, 1984’s The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. I don’t think there’s any other time that a pickup truck caught my eye, but this suped-up Ford F-350 with a jet plane shoved in the back is about as awesome as it gets.
None of the other vehicles on this list belch fire for propulsion and lift. Energy inefficient? You betcha. That’s half the awesome right there. No diesel for this big dog.
And not only can it break the sound barrier, it breaks any barrier thanks to that oscillation overthruster allowing you to drive through solid matter into the space between spaces.
Just know it raises the sticker price something fierce. Totally worth it, though.
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