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If It Bleeds We Should Watch It: PREDATOR on a Pedestal

Welcome to the fourteenth installment of Flashback to the Present. I’ll be your contributing writer, Charles Knauf.

In honor of the upcoming 4th of July holiday, I feel as if I should focus on one of the greatest exports these beautiful United States of America offers: testosterone-driven action movies.

The problem is; there are so many to choose from.

Normally, I would be about the slightly obscure.

However, it would be a disservice to this powerhouse of a nation if I simply reviewed something like Lone Wolf McQuade, Sudden Impact, or Hard Target. Although these films are incredible in their own right, this week’s FTTP needs something more…

It was then I decided to go main stream. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard and First Blood could have all been amazing choices to highlight the baby-punching supremacy of the American Action movie.

However, I consider these films almost too high-brow for what I want to showcase here today.

I needed something that transcends story and explosions into a perfect amalgamation of red meat, nuclear bombs, monster trucks, massive bald eagles, Hulkamania, bikinis and beer.

So like the beginning of any Flint film, where Lee J. Cobb needs to choose the perfect man from dozens of applicants, I had to find one finalist.

1987’s Predator – aka “the manliest movie ever, period, end of statement.”

A movie so epic the only way to experience anything close is to have a jar of steroids and gunpowder shot at your face from a t-shirt cannon at a prison rodeo.

For those of you who wear scarves year-round and take pictures of your cat, Mr. Snuffles, in adorable outfits, I’ll explain the plot:

A group of badass mercenaries, led by Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger at his Schwarzenegger-iest), are hired out by a CIA agent named Dillon (Carl Weathers, who is SO huge in this movie you’ll wonder why he was wasting away as Apollo Creed) to rescue some government mucky-muck who was captured by guerrillas in South America.

The team is Billy Sole (Sonny Landham), Mac Eliot (Bill Duke), Jorge “Poncho” Ramirez (Richard Chaves), Blain Cooper (Jesse Ventura), and Rick Hawkins (Shane Black).

However, the background mission means little as the group discovers there is a huge, badass alien that lands on earth to hunt the baddest of the bad and collect the skulls as trophies to show off to his buddies in his alien man-cave.

After the team’s original mission kind of goes wonky – instead of the “rescue mission” promised by the CIA, the government brought them on as a hit-squad – they realize that the Predator is hunting them down for sport.

… Which always made me wonder what it was like for the Predator; like, when he reached earth to hunt was he excited to find out that the crème de la crème of ass-kickers stumbled on his game path? And what was it like when he finally realized that with all of his superior strength and tech was no match for explosive badassery?

Anyway, after the other soldiers are killed, Dutch end up finding the Predator’s weak spot; his vision.

By covering his body in mud it’s impossible for the Predator to see Dutch. They battle it out and Dutch finally comes out victorious.

Now, as a special treat, I’m going to add some special behind-the-scenes trivia you may not know.

  • Some of you may know Kevin Peter Hall (of Harry and the Hendersons fame) was the giant underneath the Predator costume; however, it’s a little known fact that the FIRST person that was in the original Predator costume was none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme!

  • The Predator’s glowing green blood was made from a mixture of the liquid inside of a glow stick and KY Jelly!!

  • In order to make the movie as real as possible, the entire cast was actually dropped in a random South American jungle with all their weapons and live rounds. Then, the studio actually released a genetically altered beast into the jungle and the group had to do their best to survive!!!
  • Schwarzenegger won his governorship by fighting three Predators at the same time. Three real Predators!!!!

  • Predator made more money than every other film combined!!!!!
And now travels the world, seen here in England

This movie not only holds up, but is the perfect example of an American action extravaganza.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you need something to pump up your 4th sit back with some overcooked hotdogs, a cheap bear and feast upon Predator.

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