The expression “best thing since sliced bread” comes from the notion that very few things in this world are actually better than sliced bread.
I could not agree with this concept more. I love bread. From bagels to fruit loaves, sourdough to rye; it tastes so good, and works with EVERYTHING.
Which is why dieting of any kind for me is extremely difficult. No matter what unhealthy foods I try to cut back on, I always end up filling the void it leaves behind with bread.
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| Oh, the things I would do to you. |
Of course, gluten isn’t good for any of us and is really bad for some people, and over processed and bleached flour is bad for the environment as well as our own health.
So, about two weeks ago I decided to go ‘cold turkey sandwich’ (removing bread from my diet completely.) It’s hard. I’ve done it before and the first three days drove me crazy, way worse than when I quit smoking.
After that, I still got cravings but it was easier to resist its chewy, doughy, crusty charms.
It lasted for a few months and I was amazed at how quickly I dropped the pounds and how most of the weight I lost was localized to my stomach. I was really happy with the result, so much so that I decided to reward myself with a full fat cream cheese bagel.
And down the slippery slope I went.
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| There aren’t many things that would make me as happy as this could first thing in the morning. |
My most recent attempt at quitting bread failed miserably, because I went to Munich for my birthday last week and remembered how much I love giant soft pretzels and eating bratwurst in sourdough buns. But hey, it was my birthday. I can do what I want.
So now, I’m going to try again and start by getting all this bread love out of my system by devoting this month’s entire cosplay column to the God of Baked Goods.
In bread we trust.
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| Bread in the world of fashion |
Bread-based clothing and characters in popular culture is probably a topic that has never crossed your mind, even in conversations about obscure cosplay.
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| Baguette moccasins, or loafers if you will. |
But believe me, it’s a thing.
The most popular (or as popular as things can be in such a tiny sub-genre) of these is probably Powdered Toast Man of Ren & Stimpy fame.
A breakfast super hero, saving kittens from being hit by trucks and driving Powdered Toast sales with his commercials; he can fly backwards, propelled by his own farts or launching himself from a toaster. He creates his own projectile weapons and can fire croutons, raisins, pats of butter and marmalade from various orifices including his navel and armpits.
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| “Quick! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!” |
To call Powdered Toast Man to action, you can simply call out his name, write an emergency message inside an olive loaf, send a signal to inflate his underwear, or just catch him on his tongue-phone.
Hapless as he may be, he never fails to excite and impress those he saves – although if he does any good at all it is usually by accident.
As I mentioned, bread cosplay is something that rarely crops up amongst topics of human conversation. It is surprisingly popular however amongst the world’s cat population, which was even recognized by humans for a time when the popularity of this cosplay surged around 2012. It was a fad that hit the entire world and cats could be seen on all continents participating in what quickly became a household meme.
A swift Google search for “Cat Breading” will turn over thousands of results. It really is quite amazing just how into bread and dressing up cats are.
The most famous of these feline cosplayers is naturally Eric Cartman’s cat, Mr. Kitty of South Park, who was accused of “taking the idea of ‘Faith Hilling’ [a spoof fad of the time] and making it stupid” and told he was a “bad kitty” when his breaded self portraits were published on the internet. Cats’ medium of choice for their costumes ninety nine per cent of the time, is real bread for authenticity.
Any kind will do.
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| Other mediums are recognized but frowned upon, as is involvement of any other species in what cats like to think is their domain. |
The name I’m sure you are surprised I haven’t mentioned already, is of course John Montagu: the fourth Earl of Sandwich, Kent and inventor of the delicious light lunch that went on to take his name.
The rumor is that the sandwich was invented at a card table. Montagu was such an avid gambler that he refused to leave the table even for meals (I’m guessing there was some kind of bed pan under the table or something…) and asked that food be brought to him in the form of thin cuts of meat between two slices of bread so he wouldn’t get his hands dirty whilst smushing it into his face and gambling.
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| Inventor of the actual next best thing since sliced bread. |
His biographer insists that this isn’t true (although there are historical records that claim he did spend a lot of time playing cards) and that the sandwich was more likely to have been invented while he was working at his desk. Although I’m sure if he was at his desk, he would have been able to eat with a knife and fork.
Either way, the invention of the sandwich makes this guy a hero. And he was blessed to be born in an era of really cool clothes making him the obvious choice in a bread cosplay scenario.
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| Probably a very noisy, smelly and expensive sandwich. |
Another great bread character would be The Brave Little Toaster from the movie of the same name (essentially the exact same movie as Toy Story, only with household appliances instead of toys).
Although Blankie, the blanket, appears to be the most popular cosplay according to searches online – the protagonist and namesake of the cult children’s film is in fact the toaster. Blankie is an easy option, like dressing up as a ghost on Hallowe’en by just throwing a sheet over your head.
Toaster takes a little more skill and patience to get right. Or just money, that way you could buy a great costume. Shiny and upbeat, Toaster is a great character loved by all and could be a great costume – if people get what you’re supposed to be…
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| To avoid confusion, you could cosplay ALL the characters from THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, but I feel like that dilutes my point a little. |
My favorite toaster however (yes, I do have a favorite pop-culture-toaster) has to be Talkie Toaster, of the Red Dwarf novels and television series. Albeit a very small part, the toaster is still a funny character and has a rich backstory, much like anything else in the Red Dwarf series.
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| “I toast, therefore I am” Would also work for THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER |
There are two incarnations of Talkie Toaster and both are as annoying and fanatical about bread as I am. The original is a shiny chrome 1950’s looking number with a round light on one side and boasting a higher IQ than the ship’s computer. Despite it’s huge capacity for knowledge, the toaster had a very limited conversation spectrum and would redirect any topic towards breakfast and toasting.
The toaster was destroyed by Dave Lister at some point between seasons one and four, only to be rebuilt by Kryten and given a slightly more modern (that late ‘80s early ‘90s interpretation of what the future might look like kind of modern) facelift.
To summarize, I love bread.
And the thought of losing it completely from my meals for a while in an attempt to lose some weight before piling it all back on at Christmas truly saddens me. In my hours of pondering life without it, I remembered the importance of bread in some of my favorite shows and movies and decided to share this with you. I hope that upon reading this, my bread-lust live on in your kitchens and lunchboxes.
Think of me while you snack on your English muffins and hoagies, while I settle for watching Powdered Toast Man videos on Youtube simultaneously weeping and salivating.
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| This is what I make my boyfriend wear to bed sometimes. |
