As a young boy my parents had a majestic television with many knobs.
When one would twist these knobs, one would find a particular channel: The Spanish TV Network.
And on that Spanish TV Network was a series better than a robot unicorn battling a SIM version of Mr. T riding atop a cocker spaniel.
That show… was Mazinger Z.
The show was like those blue guys from Avatar made sweet love to some spicy Japanese Robots while Austin Power watches (in the dark, breathing heavily), with the added bonus of ROCKET BOOBS!
There was absolutely nothing better than a Japanese show dubbed in Spanish with poorly written English subtitles laid over the top.
Pure Magic!
The premise of the show was simple: save the world from a life of conquest by the dreaded Dr. Hell.
You see, Dr. Hell got his evil on during World War II when he was busy being Hitler’s main homie; here he learned special skills like human experimentation and world domination! Hell was seduced by the idea of taking over the world and forcing everyone to kneel before him – I mean, once you eat from that dirty pudding cup, there is no going back.
After that he lied low for a while, until one faithful day he went on an archaeological expedition to the Greek Isles of Bardos to explore the ancient Mikenese Empire.
On this expedition he met good guy Doctor Juzo Kabuto. They discovered the ancient Mikenese civilization had the technology to build giant robotic warriors.
Hell, being Hell, killed everyone in the expedition except Kabuto, stole the technology and used it to create an army of fighting machines with which he planned to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
However, Kabuto was not to be thwarted! He too created his own technology. An enormous robot called Mazinger Z.
Mazinger Z was forged from a new element called Japanium mined from a reservoir found ONLY in the sediment of Mt. Fuji.
It was his job to take down Dr. Hell!
Basically, I understood none of this when I was a kid. I watched the show for two reasons:
One – it had giant robot rocket boobies!
Two – it was pure robot bad-assery!
Every episode featured Mazinger Z and his team kicking some serious robot ass. It was enrapturing.
Now, what teams of good vs. evil can battle it out for world domination without a little help from their friends?
One of my favorite characters was Aphrodite A.
Basically; I just stared at her rocket breasts.
Similar to Adam and Eve’s rib escapades, Aphrodite A was a kind gentle robot forged from the same alloy as Mazinger Z.
From Aphrodite A I learned useful Japanese slang as her chest missiles were called, “Oppai Missile System”; Oppai being the obvious slang for boobs. I could run around my house saying Oppai all I wanted, or say “I want to lick some Oppai,” or repeat my favorite song, “Pour Some Oppai on me,” and my mom was none the wiser.
My second favorite character was a very special treasure called, “Baron Ashura.” You see, on Dr Hell’s explorations through the hidden depths of Bardos Island he found the mummified remnants of two people – a romantic couple that had been crushed in an cave-in.
Now what would any good Nazi scientist do with such a discovery?
Why, stitch the non-crushed halves together and fuse them with cybernetic parts to revive the creature, of course.
Given his/her split nature, Ashura could be stupid, hasty, and careless… or scheming, manipulative, and devious. When he/she talked to Dr. Hell, his/her voice was female, submissive and soft-spoken… but when he/she addressed his/her troops, his/her voice was male, commanding, loud, stern and harsh.
On one episode you even saw he/she naked! Which for sure shattered my poor little mind.
One of the other perks of watching this show on Spanish TV was the zippy translation.
Like this one for example:
Or this special translation gem:
If you, dear reader, want to see more check out this sweet site.
Where, of course, Dr. Hell must be known as Dr. Hill because that would corrupt my delicate youthful mind on a show with giant rocket boobs, Nazi like body experimentation, naked transsexuals and more!
So, if you are looking for some mind blowing TV, I recommend you go on down to your local pawnshop, get yourself a sweet 1983 Goldstar Knob TV, turn that bad boy on, find you some Telemundo and hope and pray that Mazinger Z is on.
Until next time….
